ITS MY LIFE! (The commentary, or rather, another one)
by CadenGallic
Summary: You remember that one fan fiction that was about Portal and featured your standard Mary Sue? Well this is a commentary on it! Yaaaaaay. This is more or less just something i can relax with whilst i'm writing my proper pieces, so enjoy me being snide. Updates ever Monday. I do not own Portal or IT'S MY LIFE, thank god.
1. Science lab places

**(Hello children. Can you say "bandwagon"? So inbetween working on my other pieces, along with a massive project I have in the works, I thought I'd blow off some steam by having some fun with this piece o' crap fic that would make even Quarter Life, Half way to destruction vomit. So, lets get this train wreck a rolling!)**

Hi my name ish Marissa Roberts **(Anyone notice a spooky similarity to My Immortal's opening line here? Well at least Marissa's not getting any costume porn yet.) **and I was doing tests with that other gurl Chell but she escaped.**(Well at least she's specified WHEN this fic takes place, even if she can't spell the simplest of words)** Glados had captured me in the science lab places and made me do bad tests. **(Science lab places? She couldn't specify it was Aperture? Also, lovely description on the "bad tests" there.)**There was no thing fun bout thetests an Glaods would never let me sleep or eat or bathroom or any thing. **(Shouldn't you be dead then? I mean this has clearly been going on for days here and you're barely even bothered?)**

"FOR THE NEXT TEST YUO WILL WORK WITH ROBOTS!" Glados screemed to me. **(Yeah, GLaDOS very rarely screams. Her manner of speaking is usually snide and sarcastic. The few times she did scream were when she destroyed and had her head taken off) **Some robots came out of weird tubes and looked at me and I looked at them. **(Pointless sentence Is pointless, yaaaaay)**The robos were one a blue ball an the other was a orange line thing. **(Line thing? How is P-Body a line thing? It's an oval if anything, assuming this IS P-Body anyway.)** "THERE NAMES ARE ALTAS AN P-BOY **(CALLED I- wait, boy?) **NOW LEAF ME ALONE IM SAD." Then Glados started to listen to some Avril Lavinge music and cry.** (Uh…this might be out of my range of expertise, but Avril Lavigne music doesn't tend to be all that gothic. Though the gothic overtone of GLaDOS is making me nervous…)** Ever sinse she realized she was a humon before she became a goth emo and was always gettin on my nerves. **(Makes me totally forget I'm starved, dehydrated and busting for a pee! So annoying!)**

"Hi b**** we are here to test you." Atlas shrugged (GET IT IT'S A MOVIE!) **(So it is. Clever. You. :/)** I was shocked at the bad words glared to Altas.**(Someone wants to keep this fic PG-13. That's rare.)** P-Bod was just starin' at my bobs so I kicked him his robot place. **(Man, those must be some impressive bobs she's got there if it can make a robot stare.)**That made him angry so he shot a portal at me and made me fall into it over and over **(Portals: Now used for torture)**and P-Boy and Altas were lolling at me.**(Lolling is not a word you scum of the internet.)** Altas took out some drugs and he an P-Boy STARTED TO SMOKE them. **(How? They're robots, they have no mouths!)**I was fedup with all of portal labs **(APERTURE. IS THAT SO HARD TO SAY?! AP-ER-TURE!)**and jumped from teh portals. I ladled onto my lung fall boots **(No boots i know of can protect your lungs.)**and glared mean at Altas and P-Boy. **(Yes, i'm sure that glare will scare them off.)**

I was soooooooo mad at those jerks for portalling me an calling me a b**** **(No duh.)**(AN not even gonna say that word LOL) **(You made that pretty clear the last time you bleeped it out, dummy.)**so I portaled them too and I saw how they like it they didant.**(Run on sentences. My arch nemesis, we meet again )** Altas angered at me **(How does one "anger" at someone?)**an P-Boy said "You broked are drugs now you will pay!" **($3.50 please.)**Ann he punched me right in the face! I started cryin from the pain **(Wimp)**and those jerks just lolled at me an tried to beat me up some more with there portal gunz. **(So, using two advanced pieces of technology as blunt objects. Good job guys, Aperture Science's finest.)**

Sereal ours later I was cryin in a pool of blood **(Jeezus e.o Now you REALLY should be dead.) **while THOSE JERK ROBTS did more drugs and drank beer an past out. **(Man, they got so drunk they went into the past?!) **All I wanted was my companion coob to comfort me but Glados was makin it do other tests an we didn't see eachother in moths. **(I have this wonderful image in my head of the companion cube in a test chamber, completley still, as GLaDOS shouts at it.)**But most off all I wanted Wheetly. He was the only nice robot I ever met **(I dunno, did you miss that bit where he went all narky and almost destroyed the facility?)**an he had a super sexay British aksent, **(*facepalm*)**but Glados body turned him evil an he got shot in space by Chell. I rubbed my stomach and rembered my secret. **(Gee, i wonder what it could be. Maybe she's hungry?)**Noone knows this, but Wheetly an I shared one secret night together an now I could tell I was pregnant with his robot ball/human baby. **(...i'm sorry, I can't even begin to comprehend any part of that sentence or its implications...jeezus e.e)**

There was a window above me an I looked out an saw the moon **(Uh, windows in the test chambers only tend to be for other people to look through. In all of Portal, there's never been a window to the outside. The one time there was, the roof had blown up.)**where Wheetly was. I missed him so much like a guy I missed a bunch. **(Redundancy!)**Tears droped down my face so Altas an P=boy **(P=Boy? So does that mean Mispelling+Portal=Shit?)**started lolling at me again an calling me names like "Fat Uguly B****!" I stared rite at their lauffin' feces **(an image I shall carry to the grave.)**and said my first words! **(How old IS Marissa anyway?)**

"OMFG YOU GUYZ ARE SOOOOOOO RUDE I HATE YOU!" **(How lovely. Her first words consist of hate filled gibberish and leetspeak. Congratulations.)**An I ranned off holdin my portol gun in one hand an holding nothing in my other hand because it was empty. **(The Portal Gun can usually only be held with both hands.) **My hare was streaming behind me **(How did rabbits get into Aperture? The same way the birds did I guess.)**an all the robots were saying how pretty an hot I was so I yelled at them too an said a lot of cusses so they stopped yellin at me. **(How DARE you tell me how good I look you creeps!) **"Why cant I jus be a normal girl going to high school an have a boyfriend that isn't space lost!" **(Oh boy, looks like we got a "beauty curse" sue on our hands. They're always fun.)**I cried an hugged the place were the baby was going to be was. **(That must look weird when you're running. Guess Atlas and P-Body/Boy decided not to give chase...)**

There was a strange noise coming from the necks room and I looked in a saw…. Glados was cutting herself! **(...how? Is she slicing her wires?)**"CHELL IM SOOOOOO SORRY I NEVER TOLD YOU YOR SISTER'S NAME IS REALLY MARISSA ROBERTS AN SHE HAVE SPESHUL POWERS AN CAN SAVE THE WORLD IF SHE BELEEVES!" **(Well if that isn't the biggest dump of sue crap and exposition i've ever seen. Also, RUN ON SENTENCES ARE THE WORK OF THE DEVIL!) **Then robot blood started goin everwhere **(Robot blood? I'm gonna say oil in this situation...)**and I realized that….. Glados had sewisided!111!1! **(Not even touching that one.)**

THAT WAS A HOLE LOT OF TWISTS, **(Actually, there were about 3 twists. Three very poorly executed twists.)**IF I GET SOME GOOD REVIEWS ILL MAKE MORE CHAPTERS MAYBE WHEETLY WILL COME BACK AN IS GLADOS REALLY SEWISEDED? **(Probably not, she is a robot after all.)**FIND OUT NECKS TIME! **(ON DRAGON BALL Z)**

**(So yeah, bad fic is bad, but also hillarious. Coming up in chapter 2, more crap no-one cares about. Yaaaaaay.)**


	2. The goddamn moon

**(So in this chapter, we begin cultivating Marissa's "speshul" powers that every sue has ever. Looking forward to it? I know i'm not.)**

ITS MY LIFE

CHapter 2 GLADOS, SEWISEDED? **(Called it.)**

Glaods was dead an I was Chell's sister! **(Nicely summarised all that crap from Chapter 1)**I o-mouthed at the shock **(O mouthed? Really? Now I feel bad for using these emoticons ¬.¬)**from all the revelation if only Glados hadn't sewiseded maybe she could give me the down lo. **(What more could there be to it? You're her sister and you're a super special snowflake sue. End of.)**But I did no two things 1 I had to find Chell an tell her the big newds **(Big newds...that can't be an accident.)**an 2 what happed to Wheetly I had to fin doubt. **(But you DO know. You said so in the last chapter, moron.)**Juts then Atals an P-Boy came in teh room lookin even madder than befour. **(Madder than befour, but not befive.) **

"Your gonna pay now you dumb b****!" Shotted P-Boy while Altas lolled an wrote mean things on my facebook LIKE A SERTAN OTHER SOMEONE! **(Yow! Take that readers! You just got blazed!)**I held one hand tite to my portal gun **(Again, two hands to weild.)**an got ready to fight them when a strange feelin came over me. It was all matrixy an slow-mo **(Because that's never been done before.) **but also like electric I could see all the sparks an wires an things in the robots. **(So you've got Batman's detective scope from Arkham Asylum?)**

"POWER OAF!" **(Why do i get an image of BRIAN BLESSED at that?)**I yelled for some reson I didn't no why an the two robots went dead. **(They just died. No reason. Just flopped over and stopped working.)**Electic lightening **(Redundantly redundant.)**came thru my skin an eyes an mouth an everywhere but I was not shocked. Some of teh bolts hitted Glados an she became alife a gain! **(So, they can destroy robots and also bring them back to life? I guess that can make sense...if GLaDOS wasn't running on oil/robot blood!)**

"YOU STOPED MY SEWISED MARISSA ROBERTS THAT WAS NOT NISE!" Glados angered loud **(Again, GLaDOS is ooc. Sort of. I mean the whole "not nice" bit is like a dumbed down version of her troll logic.)**an started cutting herself to make a new dead. **(For God's sake...)**I just locked at me hands where little lighting bolts was still happening an thot "What is goin on!" **(I think everyone reading this crap has the exact same question in mind.)**Gladoss aw the sparks an o-mouthed. **(There's that wonderful expression. AGAIN.) **"YUR POWERS THEY ARE MANIFASTING YOU MUST FIN DCHELL!" **(And GLaDOS is helping her, why?)**I was soooo confused an angry for Glados no telling me I had speshul powers, I coulda used them to solve TESTS **(Yes, i'm sure lightning magic would've surely helped you during that button pushing test.)**. But I did wanted to meet Cheel an let her no were sisters an I have cool robot powers. "ILL EXPLANE **(Once a plane, but no longer.)**EVER THING LATER FIRST YOU MUST GET TO CHELL SHE IS IN SPACE LOOKIN FOR WHEETLY!"**(So Aperture have space travel down now? Guess it was only a matter of time.)** I o-mouthed **(That expression only gets more grating each time I see it…)**, Chell new how ot space flight an was savin Wheetly? I was sooooo happy now but didt no how to go space. **(Go bug NASA, i'm sure they have a shuttle to spare.)**

"But how can I space?" **(How i do talk English good.)**Glados lolled an sad "YOU HAVE MORE POWERS THAN YOULL EVER NO BUT ONE IS SPACE FLY AND BRETHING!" **(Well gee, that's convenient. I'm sure its not lazy writing. Nope. Not at all.)**This was sooooooo shocking I thot hard about flyin an suddenly rocks came out of my feet an I started to fly **(By using rocks? Just...how?!)**up past the portal labs **(APER-FREAKING-TURE)**an into space. When I got to the moon I looked fro Chell n Wheetly. **(They were just in space. Not necessarily on the moon.)**I STARted (hehe becos its in space where there are stars) **(HAHAHAHAHA! HILLARIOUS!)**lookin behind asterods an space junk but they wasn't there. Then I rembered, in space noone can here you scream! **(Well duh.)**So I couldn't here them, unless maybe I have another special power! **(Wouldn't that just be a plot contrivance...)**

I thot hard to try an listen when I heard something it was….. WHEETLY! "You bloody sod stop oh god save the queen!" **(Ye gods...please...please don't try the fake British wordy accent...please...)**. Chell was there an she was beeting him up **(lol) **an Wheetly was all broken lookin. My heart fell but the sight of my tru love gave me MORE POWER an I flew towars him.

"Cheel stop hurtin Wheetly!" I begged to her. Chell looked right at me with a lot of hatred **(I like this Chell. Clear hatred for the sue is always good.)**an some sad too an said:

"Wheetly went evil an tried to kill me an I bet he tried to kill you too because we're sisters **(Wait, how did Chell know? GLaDOS was pretty sure she didn't...)**Im sorry I never telled you Marissa." I o-mouthed **(HNGH)**again at the revelation. Chell new we were sisters the hole time? But Glados sayd she didn't tell her, that was when I realized it was trap. **(Oh... kinda dumb of GLaDOS then.)**

"Help me Marrissa this bloody bugger is trying to wank me!"**( *sigh* I really hate it when people throw in random British words, assuming that's how we talk. That sentence is terrible -.-)** Wheetly pleaded as Chell kept beeting him up.

"Yur not Chell, yur GLADOS!" I screamed an "Chell" got a "Oh S***!" look on her feces.**(EUGH!)** I punched fak Chell in her face an the skin ripped off to show that she was a robot like the Terminator but instead of terminator it was Glados! **(…that's actually not a bad image. Also, how did she punch a robot hard enough to rip the skin off?)**"Why did you trick me?" **(Because you're a dumbass?)**

"I wanted revenge for you stopping me from sewisding!" **(Then why not just kill her? Wouldn't that be far more simple?) **Glados robot screemed. **(Again. She doesn't scream.)**Befour I could get MY revenge of Glados Wheetly yelled out real loud!

"BLOODY HELL IT'S A SODDING ASTEROD HEADED STRATE TOWARDS US!" **(Every time I hear someone try this, I die a little inside.) **I looked an saw the Asterod it was bout to hit us when…..

TO BE CONTINUED! **(You fucking tease.)**

HOW DID I SURVIVE THAT?** (Very nice. Leave us on a cliff-hanger and reveal you survived anyway. Very classy.)** WHERE ALLS THE POWERS COMING FROM? FIND OUT IN CHAPTER THREE WITH EVVEN MORE INTENSE ACTION! **(Fun fact, we don't learn about her powers til chapter 15 or so.)**

To all the flamerz I got a good review so there, pepole like my story an yur just trolls. **(Irony being the writer herself is a troll.)**

The pepole tryin to give consertive criticism tell me what you don't like or yur as bad as the REAL TROLLS! **(That's nice. Insult the people who like and dislike you. Truly the route of success.)**

**(It only gets worse from here folks. Next chapter we start on the "retarded Chell "subplot. Fun times!)**


	3. Booty quake

**(So in this chapter we learn some important news about Chell and see our protagonist being an arse. Oh, and something about Portal I think.)**

ITS MY LIFE

Chapter 3 MEETIN WITH CHELL **(Three chapters in and the protagonist is introduced. Nice.)**

The asterood **(A rude asteroid?) **was headin right for us an hit us an it hurt my every place. **(Just hurt? I think if you got hit with massive flying space debris you'd most likely DIE. Also, every place is fantastic.) **Wheetly got alls broken but robot Glados was not close an pushed way into space. **(Pushed on what?)**"I hope yur bloody powers can help us sodding land!"**(And there goes another piece.) ** Wheetly yelled becos he was scared. **(No shit Sherlock.) **I tried hard an a magic shield came around me an Wheetly so as we started fallin to Earth no thing bad happened. **(HOW CONVIIIIINIIIIEEEEENNTTTTTT)**

As well falled fast towards Earth I saw Portal Labs **(AKA APERTURE) **comin up front **(Also, how? If you're high up in space, how can you possibly recognise an underground lab, and know how to steer yourself to it?) **so I braced myself round Wheetly. We landed with a huge crush to were Atlas an P-BODY (Thanks CONSTRACTIVE CRITISIM GUYS AN NOT TROLLS)**(Sweet jeezus she's spelling it right. I'll bet its misspelled at least once in this chapter.)** were smokin more drugs. **(Again, with what? No mouths see.)**The looks on there feces were classic **(Disgusting.) **when ethey saw me back with Wheetly. "What are you doin here this is are turf!" **(Apparently the Jets own this area.) **Altas yelled loud at me an punch but my shield broked his hand. "Imposable!" **(No, improbable!)**Then I kicked him back an looked to P-Body an glared at him so he pooped robot stuff an ran away. **(WHAT IS THIS AUTHORS OBSESSION WITH SHIT?!)**

Suddenly without warnin a girl jumped from the whole in the seelin I made when I landed. She was wearin a jumpsuit like me an she looked like me but a little less pretty an hot. **(Gotta make sure Marissa stays on top in every situation. NO EXCEPTIONS!) **I new immediately it was Chell. Chelllooked at me an smiled an started to dance crazy. **(wut)**

"SHAKE IT BAKE IT BOOTY QUAKE IT ROLL IT A ROUND!" Chell sung as her danced an shake butt. **(…i…I uh…what can I even say to that…) **Wheetly got sad lookin an told me "I forgot to mention she got brane damage an cant solve tests no more **(HOW AND WHEN?!) **that's why Glaods let her go befour." **(Oh really? And how did GLaDOS know she was brain damaged if all she did after waking up was stand in a fucking elevator?!)**I cried some tears at my retorded sister shakin her butt all crazy an stuff like on the Sym-Bionical Titan show. **(I don't know what that is so let's move on.)**I got out a magum pistol **(Must've hid it up her ass.)**an went up to Chell head to shoot an **(Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you seriously going to have her kill a character for being brain damaged? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!)**pet her out of her MISERY (which is also a movie). **( STARRING CATHY BATES! SEE! I CAN MAKE POINTLESS REFERENCES TOO!)**The gun went off like boom boom boom **(Don't get dat) **an Chell falled down with blood from her headhole. "Im sorry my sister." Wheetly was cryin an I started cryin to becos it was a really sad day. **(Then you should've just left her alive you asshole.) **

After all the tears came out **(Did she count?) **I got up an went to find Glados for revenge. **(Wasn't she in space?) **Wheelty couldn't walk so I put him in my jumpsuit an he got real happy "Marrissa yur chests is so big an squishy!" **(Hooray, more porn for Marissa and pointless dialogue.) **He happied **(He was happy, but not no more.) **so I got happy too an we went for Glados. Glados was listinin to her dumb goth emo music **(We don't even a description this time? After Avril Lavingne I was expecting Justin Bieber.) **when she saw me an Wheetly come in. "WHAT DO YOU WANT YUO ALREADY STOPED ME FROM SEWISIDING AN STOPED MY REVANGE?"

"You put Wheetly in space an made Chell booty quake **(Wait what? Since when was GLaDOS responsible for giving Chell brain damange?!) **an tried to kill me to so I will kill you." **(Killing solves everything!) **My body started glowin electric an I used my special new fight ability MEGA PAWNCH **(It's super effective.) **to punch Glados head off an she died for real this time. **(For really reals you guise. Really. Never coming back. Makes me wonder why this fic is over 20 chapters long.) **Wheetly turned off all the dumb goth emo music with science powers **(Probably inherited those from Cave Johnson.) **an we were happy. Then I remembered somethig I needed to tell to Wheetly.

"Wheetly you need to no that Im….. pragenant!" **(I don't look it or anything, but I am! Really!) **Wheetly looked at me with shock an aww. "Marrissa this is good news we can have robot ball/humon baby an live happily ever after for ever now!" **(THE END. Can I go home now?) **I was sooooo happy I hugged Wheetly an we almost made a twin baby right then **(…what?!) **an there when Atlas an P-Body show up. **(I'm just gonna call these two Tweedlearse and Tweedlehole from now on.) **

"Hey b**** were back!" Atlas yelled an took out a guns. **(Portal? Gravity? Machine? Chicken? What kind damnit?!) **[-Body **(Told you she'd misspell it once.) **took one of the gun an aim it at me too. I powered up my sheld but something strange happened an I fell over an started brething hard. "Whats wrong with me?" **(I think canon is catching up and disintegrating you…I HOPE anyway.) **Wheelty got scarred lookin while Atlas an P-Body lolled an got ready to shoot us up. **(Why not just shoot? All you need to do is aim and fire, you're not operating a switchboard!) **Things was going down bad **(No shit) **when some one raised up from behind the two robojerks an hitted them on heads with frying pan! **(DEMOPAN TO THE RESCUE**) It was… CHELL!

"Chell you saved us!" I congradulated her. "Marrissa you made me Left 4 Dead (AN: LOL) **(These references will never get old!) **you b**** so now get ready to die!" Lookin closer I saw Chell was right, she was a zombee now! **(Uh…how? Pretty sure you need to be bitten by one before death before coming back. Or are we crossing over with The Walking Dead now?) **Wheetly made some growls to stop her **(Wheatley used growl!) **but Chell didn't care **(It's not very effective.) **an tried to bite me but accidentally bit Atlas instead so he became a robot zomboy! **(…I'm not even sure about this one. How do you MISS biting someone two inches from you?!)**

TO BE CONTINUED? **(NOPE)**

IM RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS **(Good, maybe this fic will end soon.) **FOR WHAT MARRISSA CAN DO IN PORTAL LABS **(Say it with me children. A-P-E-R-T-U-R-E.)**I THINK NECKS CHAPTER SHELL GO TO OTHER VALVE GAMES MAYBE IF YOU WANT? **(Nope. Please leave the other Valve titles out of this shit.)**

**(So has anyone else noticed we're never given an explanation as to why she felt weird? Just me? Well good, because the answer will come in absoloutely NEVER.)**


	4. To stop a Gabe Johnson

**(Thiiiiis is where things get bad folks. I mean, it was bad already, but now it just gets to the levels of insipid. This chapter's only purpose is to introduce/ressurect a character who is absoloutley useless. Have fun kids!) **

AN: BEFOUR **(GETTIT BECUZ ITZ CHAPTER 4!1!111ONE) **THE CHAPTER HERES A SHOUT OUT TO SOME OF MY REVIEWS! **(All of which probably just contain the word "shit" used five times in each sentence. And that's when they're NOT quoting it.)**

XHEADFONECHICKX – THANKS FOR THE IDEA, I REMBER GLADOS SAID THAT ANDROD HELL WAS A PLACE IN PORTAL 1 **(GLaDOS lies! Chell is even a robot so it didn't make sense!) **SO THAT GAVE ME THE IDEA FOR THIS CHAPTER!** (Oh gooooodeeeeeeee ewe)**

THE PIE3 **(I see what you did there.)**– OF COURSE ITS BAD **(Yup, this is indeed bad. This fic in general.) **CHELL BOOTY QUAKED AN NOW THERE ARE ZOMBOYS, IF IT DOESN'T GET BAT THE STORY WULD BE BORON **(So if this fic didn't get bad, it'd be a massive source of chemicals?)**! ITS CALLED CONFILCT MY TEACHER TOLD ME SO! **(You might want to switch classes then if your teacher is approving this train wreck.) **

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER 3: **(Oh good, she's even getting numbers wrong now.) **HELLO HELL, THE RETURN OF GABE JONSON! **(You mean Cave Johnson?)**

I o-mouthed **(ASDFGHJKL) **in shock at zombee Chell an Atlas an Wheetly just screamed real loud. **(Fucking pansy.) **There was no weapons to fight them **(What about your FUCKING POWERS?!) **with but I thot hard an used the portal gun **(Oh so there was a weapon. I'm betting she beats them over the head with it.) **to portal below me an far away so I escaped with Wheetly. **(That doesn't even make sense.) **"That was a close one Wheetly" said to me an we started lookin for clues on why zomboys happened. **(Well, when a zommy and a zaddy love each other very much…what the fuck is wrong with me.) **Then was wen I realized one of my powers was super detective **(WHAT A CONVIENIENCE!) **an I new where zombees came from. THE TATERS! **(I always knew the potato people were our enemy.)**

"Those were zombee taters if you eat them an dead you will be zombee." **(Seriously? Well its slightly more original I guess…) **I esplained to Wheetly who o-mouthed **(GUWAAAH)**. Then a portal happened an Chell an Atlas came out with nifes ready to eat us! **(Don't they need forks as well as knives?) **My powers were still all wonky **(Yet your detective-o-vision worked fine a second ago.)**so I culdnt fight them instead we ran fast but triped. **(Fail.)**I looked to what I triped on an saw it was…. A prototip portal gun! **(What, that massive backpack with the tubes from the old labs? What's that doing there?) **I piced it up an test fired it at Chell an Altas **(Ah, this is John Freeman syndrome. Finding weapons lying around everywhere. Or should I say WEPON) **who falled down it an flames came up.

"Bloody hell it's a buggering portal to andord hell!" **(Are you fucking kidding me -.-) **Wheetly realized an I new he was right. **(Well its where Marissa was spawned so no wonder.) **Even tho they were zombees now I had to safe my sister an Altas from androod hell **(Why Tweedlearse? He's an…arse.) **so I grabed the prototip portal gun an jumped in. "Marrissa no its toooo dangerous!" Wheetly cried but I had to do it. **(It is a good to do what has to be done by me and help my sister to defeat the enemys.) **

Insid androd hell was a bunch of metal an fire with robots gettin bet up **(Fantastic description. Now where's the robot devil from Futurama?) **I saw Glados an Chell an Atlas all there being hurted by robodemons from the game DOOM. **(You mean CYBER demons. And good, we're including Doom in this too, maybe Doom guy will show up and use the unmaker on her.) **I wents up to Cshell an saw her was not zombee any more **(Wait WHAT?!) **an o-mouthed **(UGEGEGEGEGEGEGE)** at me.

"Marrissa you saved me becos there are no zombees in adroid hell thank you!" **(More run on sentences. So Chell's not a zombie because they can't exist in android hell…on that note, why is Chell even being kept there. Its ANDROID hell, not human hell. They're supposedly separate places, if they do even exist.) **Chell hugged me an I was happy that my sister was safed **(Not really…I mean, you are in hell and all.) **but now we had to fined Altas an get out of here. **(Leave Tweedlearse to melt damnit!) **So we went lookin for Atlas when I saw a hotub made off lava **(Get it? HOT TUB AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, SOMEONE SHOOT ME.) **with a muscely guy in it an lots of hot babes. **(GET IT? HOT, HOT TUB, HOT BABES, GOD WILL THE PUNS EVER EEEEEEND.) **Chell was reel suprised at him an I thot telepathic "Whats goin on Chell whos that guy?" **(Oh. She has telepathy now. Ok. No problems. I don't even care anymore.) **

"That guy is…. GABE JONSON!" **(Oh, that wasn't a typo…so, is it a combo of the two? That's actually kinda badass.) **The man looked up at us when Chell sayd it an he was all shocked. "Marrissa is that you?" He was all scarred lookin **(Don't know if that was intentional or misspelling of scared…) **an made fart bubbles in the hotub **(Charming details are what makes this fic worthwhile.) **which made all the hot babes angry so they left. "OMG How do you no my name?" I asked in shock an o-mouthed. **(FFFFFFUUUUUUU-)**"I no it becos your… MY DOTTER!" **(Ok, that's not even close.) **We all even the robots o-mouthed **(…i…I think I'm dying…)**an Chell fainted becus wewere sisters so she was Gabe Jonsons dotter too. **(Holy shit. Maybe the protagonist does have a brain in there aside from the sueish powers.) **Gabe got out of the hotub but he was NAKED **(Well that kinda goes without saying.) **so it was all gross an I ran away. **(OMG MAN PARTS. SOOOO GROSS. I only prefer robotic extensions.) **"OMG OOPS!" Gabe said lolling an got some pants on but I was already goin far away.

After some far runnin I got back to the portal an saw something bad! **(That reality was crumbling due to mass oocness?) **Wheetly was all tied up **(Even though he's just a ball…no limbs.) **an P-Body an now alife Atlas **(How did he come back? THE AUTHOR FORGOT, DERP DEE DOOOO.) **were throwin the taters into androod hell an robots were eatin em an turning to zomboys! **(If someone throws potatoes at you, you better fuckin' eat em.) **A robodemon ate one an becomed the big zombie boss monster from Reisdent Evil **(Saddler?) **only he had a portal gun an rocket launchers. **(A deadly combo, well and truly) **Gabe Jonson ran up carryin Chell but zombees were chasin them! **(Gabe running? I don't see that happening…sorry Gabe.) **Atlas an P-Body lolled an said "Bye B****!" an closed the portal leavin us rapped! **(Wait, how? Didn't you take the prototype/tip portal gun with you?) **We had been Left 4 Dead! **(Still not getting old.) **

"Marrissa you most use yur powers its the only hope." **(Oh yeah, they stopped working. Guess you're fucked.) **Gabe Jonson said an I new it was true. I bended down on the metal floor an thot hard an sparks came out of my everwhere an I glowed brite gold. **(She was quickly sent to Dale Winton off Cash my gold for money.) **Gabe Jonson o-mouthed **(I'm done making hilarious scream noises, so here's a pig. OINK) **at me an Chell was still uncosios so she didnt do nothin. **(Delightfully pointless.) **There was a huge flash of the britest lite ever an we were in Portal Labs! **(Give me an A! Give me a P! Give me an E! Give me a, FUCKING APERTURE YOU MORON.) **

"Yay we did it!" I sad huggin Gabe an Chell. **(Ah, another plot convienience power, able to escape from hell. Who cares.) **Then some one started to lol at us it was… GLADOS! "You let me escape from Ardod Hell now **(Even though we never SAW you or the writer completely forgot to show us.) **I will have my revenge on you Marrissa Roberts!"

TO BE CONTINUED!

OH NO! CAN MARRISSA ESKAPE FROM GLADOS ONCE AN FOR ALL **(Nope. I'm guessing she's just gonna keep coming back in this shitfic.) **AN IS GABE JONSON REELY A GOOD GUY AN DAD? **(Nope. He keeps postponing dinner for a few years, until its "worth the wait.") **FIND OUT SOON!

AN THANKS FOR THE SPELLIN CORRECSHUN ON WHEETLY WHO IS NOW WHAATLY **(What kind of sadists are giving her this advice?) **AN GLADOS IS NOW GLaDOS!

**Well this chapter had a lot of point. And yes, we will never get an explanation as to how her powers randomly turned off last chapter, so get used to that folks. **


	5. Wangsty borefest

ITS MY LIFE! **(What does the title even MEAN? Marissa's not exactly fighting for freedom or the right to exist, so it doesn't even make sense!)**

CHAPTER 5: CHELLS BOOTY QUAKE REMIX! **(Oh god…) **

GLaDOS was makin me do tests a gain **(As opposed to killing you, like she threatened last chapter. Also, why not just go and kill her again?) **with lots of traps an turrents. Becos she was a emo goth **(Really? We're still on that?) **now all the walls were black an red an there was Avril Lavinge an My Kemical Romance **(Ok that's a tad more gothic.) **music playin which made it hard for me to do the tests **(Just ignore it. Or is it on full blast?) **an GlaDOS was cryin an cuttin herself **(Fuck's sake…) **on the big screen comptuer. **(She'll probably upload it to myspace too…) **WHEATLY whos name was right this time **(PRAISE THE HEAVENS AND WAIT FOR THE MISSPELLING!) **was back on his rale **(So GLaDOS just allowed him to continue working, and live?) **an had to clean up all the robot blood from GLadOS cuttin herself an it was all messy an sticky like the repulsive gel. **(…ugh…I don't even want to think about that.) **

I pressed a botton that made the test done **(Wheatley must've designed this test.) **an got ready for the next one when a rumbling happened all of sudden. A thing fell out of the seeling an it was… MY COMPANON COOB! **(What? How? Does it have magical sue powers to?) **I ran so fast to the coob an gave it a big hug an cryed some becos I was so happy at least GLados had gived me one thing to be happy with. **(Yes, I'm sure she broke the ceiling just to give you back the cube.) **Then the prototip portal gun came out from a wall-hole an made a new portal to Andord hell. **(She had that on her last chapter, so HOW?!)**

"You must drop the coob in Adroid Hell now Marrissa or ill put NEROTOKSIN in the room!" **(Oh good, its only Nerotoksin. That's not nearly as bad as neurotoxin.) **GlADOS said. I culdnt kill my companion coob, he was my best frend besides Wheatly an Chell, **(Way to downgrade him. And WHY NOT JUST KILL HER LIKE THE OTHER TEN FUCKING TIMES?!) **then I rembered Gabe Jonson was supposed to be here **(Good point, where is Gabe?) **an he was my dad **(Actually, I have my doubts about that. Gabe's last name is different from Marissa's. So either Marissa was married at some point, changed her name for no reason, or Gabe isn't really her dad!) **so maybe he was workin to stop GlaDOS which gave me renued strength to do more tests but I had to find away to not hurt my coob.

If onyl I had a powers to solve the test **(You DO have powers to solve it. That detective skill must surely help with tests. Or, I dunno, SHOOTING LIGHTNING AT THE FUCKING DOOR.) **without hurting my companion boob **(I swear that typo is intentional.) **I thout. "HURRY UP MARRISSA THE NEROTOKSIN IS ALMOST REDDY!" **(Why is GLaDOS helping?) **GLaDOS angered **(:C)**when I realized one of my powers is NEROTOKSIN immunity! **(OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!)**"Go head an toksin me Glads." I boated to the dumb emo goth computer women. **(There's more than one of her?) **"DOT SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU!" GLaDOS started pumpin all the room with icky green farts **(No wonder neurotoxin kills.) **that smelled reel bad but didt hurt becos I was immune. I piced up the companon coob an went threw door an saw something bad…. **(The author? O-face) **

Chell was shakin' her butt all jiggly a gain an dance crazy **(Again? Really?) **an Wheatly was watchin. "SHAKE IT BACK IT BOOTY QUAKE IT ROLL IT A ROUND!" She sung an I realized that Chell had a relaps of brane damage. **(Well she seemed fine when they left android hell…)**"YEAH Chell BOOTY CUAKE IT!" Wheeatly cheered becos he didt no I was watchin. "WHATLY HOW COLD YOU?" **(HOW DARE YOU LOOK AT ANY WOMAN BESIDE ME! I AM YOUR GODESS!) **I screemed an Wheatly said "OH BLOODY WANKER!" **(GRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAA) **An ran off on his rale. Chell was still retorded but I GlaDOS taked my magum pistol so I couldn't fix her. **(If by "fix" you mean kill her, you ass.) **I sat down an started cryin. **(Look out, it's the waaaambulance.) **

How cold Wheatly bretrayed me when I was preganent with his robot ball/human baby **(If you really think looking at another woman is betrayal, you need to fix your priorities.) **an we loved eechother? Also I needed to fix Chell so she would stop doing dance crazy with shake butt but not even my powers could fix brane damage. **(No! Surely the plot couldn't just hand you that power, could you?) **"THERE IS ONLY ONE CURE FOR BRANE DAMAGE!" GLaDON yelled out loud with no indoor voice. **(Ok that's kinda funny.) **"IT IS THE ZOMBEE TATERS!" **(Again, why is she helping?) **Now it all made sense! When Chell was zomboy she was act normal **(And when she wasn't a zombie in android hell ) **so to safe Chell I needed to make her zombee a gain! **(This can't go wrong at all!) **This was bad news. I had to pick between retorded normal Chell or smart zombee Chell an even sores Wheatly was cheetin on me! **(GET OVER YOURSELF WOMAN!) **

I walked off leavin Chell to dance crazy an found the zombee taters. **(John Freeman syndrome again.) **I picked one up an started to CRY. "WHY IS EVER THING GOIN BAD AN WRONG AN WHEETLY ABDONED ME FOR MY TARDED SISTER?" **(Get. Over. Yourself.) **Cry came out of all my eyes **(All six of them!) **an all every where. I didn't no it at the time, but it was part of GLaDOS plan, she was turnin me into a goth emo! **(Um…why? And why does the author reveal this plan to us when it could be made for a somewhat better twist?) **

MEENWHILE **(BRIAN BLESSED) **Wheatly was rollin on his rale with tears in eye **(So we have robot BLOOD and TEARS. Beautiful.) **becos he was sad for betrayin me. "Why did I bloody have to betray Marrissa my one true love? I am a sodding wonker!" **(She was possessive really, get over it.) **He didn't mean to betrayed me but he secretly had a love trangle between me an Chell but he thot it ended but guess not. **(I do love it when the author breaks up the story for these meaningless little segments.) **"I have to a polozie to Marrissa an make things better a gain!" Wheetly speeded on his rale back to me when some thing grabbed him it was… ATLAS AN P-BODY! **(Oh so Tweedlearse and Tweedlehole ARE still in this story. I was starting to not miss them.)**

"He b***** wanna smoke some drugs/?" P-Body said an gave Wheatly a drugs. "No." Wheatly answered becos drugs are bad he new from me. **(Marissa's a perfect anti-drug figure for the kids. The chick who also had freaky robot sex and shot her sister for being retarded.)**"How about drink some beer then?" Asked Atlas. Wheatly didt want to but the peer pressure **(Peer pressure? I wouldn't call either of the tweedle's his peers.) **was strong an he was reel sad after all…

TO BE CONTINUED!

WILL MARRISSA AN WHEATLY GET BACK TO GETHER? **(Of course they fucking will. Its as clear as ice.) **WILL GLADOSS EVIL PLAN BE STOPED? WHERE IS GABE JONSON? FIND OUT NECKS TIME ON ITS MY LIFE!

**So yeah, this whole chapter is essentially wangsty and pointless. And the next chapter is even more pointless! Cmon kids, lets go read =D**


	6. Wheatley does some stuff

**(Yeah, I really wasn't kidding. This chapter is the shortest of the lot and the mot pointless. I look forward to drilling out my eye sockets later tonight.)**

AN: OMG 30 REIVEWS! TAKE THAT FLAMERZ YUR JUST MAKIN MY STORY MORE POPULAR **(How would bad reviews make a story more popular? That'd drive people away if anything…sane people anyway.) **ALSO IM NOT BEEN OFFENSIVE AGAINST BRANE DAMAGE BECOS CHELL IS JUST A PRETEND CARTOON I WULD NOT INSULT REAL BRANE DAMAGE PEPOLE THATS JUST SICK! **(Then why have her be brain damaged at all? It's done literally nothing to this story. Also, just because she's a cartoon doesn't mean it can't portray brain damaged people in an offensive light.)**

ASLO, THIS CHAPTER IS FROM WHEELTYS POV. **(Yet he will talk exactly how Marissa does.) **

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER SIX: THE BIG ADVENTURE OF WHEETLY **(Or more appropriately, Wheatley drinks and whines for under a page.) **

I was sooooo upset with me self **(See? Extending the O in so is Marissa's thing, why is Wheatley doing it too?) **becos I betrayed Marrissa **(GET. OVER. IT.) **an was a bloody soddin wanker. I didt meen to but I saw Chell booty quakin an was over come. **(Surely you could've just asked Marissa to do that for you.) **Back when we first met I licked her an she liked me but things didnt bloddy work **(I love how even when Wheatley THINKS he inserts random British words.) **out. She was less hot an pretty thaan Marrissa an didnt catch me on my rale! **(Gotta make sure Marissa always stays on top.) **So I saw her booty quake an rembered when we was datin an got all lovey. Her bom (AN THATS BRITISH FOR BUTT LOL) **(No. No it isn't. Not to mention, its just a general word, not British exclusive)**was all jiggly wiggly an it was like when I was in charge of the hole place an we tested. Then I turned into an evil bugger an she dumped me. **(Chell never even went out with you. Not to mention, even if she did, dating a mute would be kinda boring.) **

"OH YEAH Chell SHAK THAT BOOTY!" I screamed out loud to Chell but I didt realise someone else was watchin... Marrissa!** (Yeah, we've seen this entire scene, can we move onto something new now please?) ** "WHEATLY HOW COLD YOU!/11" **(…9?) **Oh bloody hell sod she saw me with Chell god save the queen! **(So…very…grating…) **"OH BLOODY WANKER!" I yelled a gain an ran away faster than ever befour on my rale. **(You know, the author never properly specified beforehand when Wheatley is on his rail and when he's not. The writer could do with that considering the next few chapters.) **I couldnt let Marrissa see me cheetin any more I was real sad. **(Get over yourself.)**

Soon I was in a place I didnt see befour **(No description of course. Laziness ahoy.) **there were drusg ever where an beer an playboy magazines **(…I don't even want to think of the implications of that.) **it was where Altas an P=Body **(Also, Wheatley+badattemptatbritishaccent=shit) **lived! **(Because we all know robots need living quarters and aren't just disassembled when they're not in use.) **I looked round some wwhen a thing grabed me! **(More laziness ahoy.) **"He b***** wanna smoke some drugs/?" P-Body said an gave ne a drugs. **(PLEASE MOVE ON.)**"No." I answered becos drugs are bad I new from Marrissa. **(Remember kids: Be cool like Marissa and don't take drugs. But sex with robots is ok.) **"How about drink some beer then?" Asked Atlas. I didt bloody want to but the peer pressure **(The tweedles are peers to nobody, Wheatley.) **was strong an I was reel sad after all… So I sayd "Ok fine you sodding wonks." So they gave me beer an drugs an I started to smoke them up. **(Oh, and here we were left thinking he just gave into the beer. Way to mislead us.) **They feeled real good like the testing **(No…no. It was very clear testing is a pleasure that's a little deeper than beer and drugs.) **so I was happy an got hi. **(I personally think everyone in this fic is high as is.) **I started tellin my story to Atlas an P-bODY an they herd me tell it. **(Uh, why? They're a pair of jerkasses, they'll probably just laugh at you. Oh, sorry, I mean "lol" at you.) **

"Then she bloody dumped just becos I was enjoyin' the floor show **(Man, Wheatley's sick.) **with CHell an booty." **(I find it amusing he has to get drunk to see common sense.) **Atlas an P-Body pated me on the ballback **(I am so confused…) **an said "Ots Wheatly we unnerstand yur problems thats why Marrissas a b****." **(Welp Wheatley's drunk so I'm sure he'll fall for that.) **I shoud have listened to them but I did any way **(That sentence made no sense.) **an got angry like I was on sterods ore something. **(Steroids don't affect the way you think, just your body.) **"You shoud get revenge on her an show her whos boss!" \P-Body agreed while drinkin more beer. "Yur right guys we need to teech that b**** a lesson!" **(Well I can't see this back firing in the slightest.) **I angered becos the drugs an beer was makin me confused. **(You were confused beforehand, you were convinced you loved a human.) **I was such a bugger bloke but I felt sooooo hi I had to. **(Not even Bender gets drunk…)**

"Lets go fine her an teach Marrissa her lesson!" **(We'll give her an education whether she likes it or not!) **Altas yelled an I an P-Body said "YEAH!" an we charged lookin for Marrissa. We found her in a test room an I was shocked **(oops, guess those powers can misfire sometimes.)**... she was wearin a black jumpsuit an cuttin herself while lisitin to Avril Lavinge music! **(Where did she get a BLACK jumpsuit? Or did her evil just seep into it and stain it black.) **Marrissa had became... a goth emo! **(She also changed her name to Ebony. Ebony Roberts.)**

TO BE CONTINUED!

SORRY THIS CHAPTER IS SHHORT **(APOLOGY NOT ACCEPTED) **BUT I DONT LIKE WRITIN AS WHEATLY **(Then why even write as him? This entire chapter could've been added onto the last one!)**THE NECKS PART WILL BE LONGER AN WILL MARRISSA STOP BEEN A DUMB GOTH EMO? ALSO GABE JONSON WILL COME BACK AN HE HAS A BIG SUPRISE! **(Perhaps he'll finally unveil episode 3.) **FIND OUT!

**(So yeah, completely pointless chapter as usual. I THINK some stuff happens next chapter, so stick around for that?)**


	7. Alas, poor Marissa

**(This bit is basically a dumbed down Portal based Hamlet. Want to know why? Read on!)**

AN THANKS FOR THE GOOD REVIEWS** (I bet it was either guests or you on other accounts.) **YOU LAST TOW ONES. AS LONG AS THE REEL FANS SUPPORT ME THIS STORY WILL NEVER DYE! **(PRIESTS, FETCH MY GARLIC, STAKE AND HOLY WATER, I'VE GOT A SHITFIC TO EXCORCISE! God save the Queen!) **

ALSO THANKS FOR TELLIN ME ABOUT NEXT NOT NECKS ILL REMBER THAT. =D** (Spoiler alert, she doesn't remember it.) **

CHAPTER SEVEN: BATTLE OF THE GOTH EMO WAR **(Oh god, this fic really IS turning into My Immortal…)**

All of sudden Wheatly an Altas an P-Body was were I was an looked all shocked at me. **(What, the good old o-mouthed bit is too good to be used here? Just go for the bottom of the barrel author, you've got little left to lose)**I was a goth emo now an had died my jumpsuit black **(With what? Did you just find dye hanging around?) **an was cuttin myself while listenin to Avril Lavinge music. **(Because that's still a staple of emo/goth culture I guess.) **"Marrissa what happoned to you?" Wheatly asked but I just cryed at him **(So she just looks at him and cries? Threatening.) **an yell "You broke me heart **(The one you wear on your sleeve.) **Wheatly, so Im a goth emo now an were threw!" **(For FUCKS SAKE. Only idiot girls go goth/emo after losing their boyfriend. I mean come on!) **I got up like crazy an puched Wheatly in the eyeball-thing **(EMO PAAAAWNCH!) **so hard he fell of the rale an landed with a huge crush an he was broken.** (Jeezus. Beating up your ex is always the best way to go, right fellas?) **

"NOOOOOO WHEETLY!" I ranned to the robocorpse **(Flip emotions much?) **an picked him up in my arms. "You are died an now our baby will have no father." **(He's a fucking robot, just repair him.)**I cried even more an cut myself a copple more times. **(This is offensive to anyone who has ever slit their wrists.) **Atlas an P-Body was froze in shock at the site of Wheatly's kill. **(Why do they even care?) **Then a guy walked in with a tool box an lots of tooles. **(…The engineer?)**"Don't worry my dotter Ill fix him!" Gabe Jonson looked at me an smiled **(Oh. Didn't think Gabe knew how to fix robots, considering he mostly designs.) **an I was reel happy an gabe him the Wheatly body so he could make it work a gain. "Oh no" He o-mouthed. **(We went a whole chapter without seeing that phrase…it was too soon to hope it was gone -.- )**"Wheatly body is full of drugs an beer!" Atlas an P-Body got nervos an I glared at them reel mean **(Why do Tweedlearse and Tweedlehole even care? They're asses.) **like an said "What did you do TO WHEATLY YOU B*****S!" **(Whatever happened to Marissa not swearing?) **My powers started glowin like the sun an electric sparks went ever where. **(Yup, because destroying them worked so well in the past. They're like cockroaches, they'll come back.)**"Marrissa stop yur powers are too strong!" Gabe pleeded but I was soo angry that I didt listen an powere up more until electric stuff went every all an the whole room explosioned! **(Explosioned? Not sure if want…)**

When I woke up there was messy dirt an marks all a round me **(Bet Marissa's used to this by now, having crawled out of scum holes.) **an the room was destoryed. I looked a front of me an saw Atlas an P-Body was died **(I give it about 1 chapter tops.) **an I was happy. Then I saw a skelton that was Gabe Jonson an Wheetly an I got sad a gain **(Wheatley's a robot, he doesn't HAVe a skeleton. He has a frame I guess.) **an started to cut myself some more while singing a My Kemical Romace song. **(That's at least somewhat MORE accurate to goth culture.) ** "Hahahahaha!" GLaDOS started lolling at me. **(Apparently GLaDOS is explosion proof.) **"Now you are a goth emo an killed all yur friends my plan worked." **(So..her plan was to depress her so much, she'd kill all the people she knows and loves? Seems legit.) **I punched fist into hand an got the most angry ever, **(D:) **this was all GLaDOES plan! **(Yup, like she just said.) **"Wheatly wasn't realy cheetin on you Marrissa I was controllin him **(Are you fucking kidding me -.-) **an I gave Chell the brane damage relaps! LOL!" **(How exactly did you control Wheatley and give Chell brain damage? It's not like a disease, you can't inject someone with it!) **GLaDOS had gon two far this time **(One far was ok, but two far? That's just sick.) **an I needed to kill her for ever now. My powers were flowin threw my vans **(Marissa's van dealership, come on down now for a shitty deal!) **an I blew up the wall an went to GLaDOSs room.**(Good thing this test chamber is right next to GLaDOS' chamber…you know, the singular, giant circular area, with no other rooms around it? Suspended from above?)**

"YOU MADE ME KILLED WHEATLY **(Actually, you still chose to do that. You could've ignored him and moved on, like an actual person would.) **AN A GOTH EMO AN ROONED EVER THING NOW YOULL PAY GLADOS YOU B****!"**(Again, that whole swearing thing.)** I used my powers to make my jumpsuit not black **(More convienient powers, yaaaaaay.) **no more becos I had stopped being a goth emo for good. **(Thank god.) **"No stop Marrissa you cannt kill me im yur mother!" **(Yes because that will really stop someone who killed her own father already. Also, why does GLaDOS care about being killed when she's tried to commit suicide multiple times?!) **I stopped an thot she was lyin but then I used my detective power an new it was true. **(…I repeat, are you fucking kidding me -.-) **I couldn't kill my on mother but she was a evil mother so maybe I cold. **(You've killed everyone else in this story, so why not?) **"I killed you ones befour I can do it a gain!" I powered up my powers like a fireball of the glowy electric powers an shot them at GLaDOS an blew up the hole room. **(And thus she fell to her death, END OF FIC.) **

GLaDOS was finally ded **(Yes, I'm sure this time she's REALLY dead.) **but I wasn't happy none. **(Oh don't worry, I'm sure you'll mood swing soon enough.) **Wheatly was still gone an I had killed him. **(Yep, already knew that, please move on.) **Then Chell came into to the room cryin **(Huh, now how did she survive the blast?) **an I saw that the exploshun had made a peace of metal slice her butt off so she couldn't booty quake none more. **(I think her biggest problem would be the massive amounts of blood she's losing!) **Ever thing was rooned an not even my powers cold fix it now. **(Noooo, surely you can invent some undo button power for Marissa! Come on writer, don't let us down now!) **I sat down on knees an cried some more (but not emo cry becos im not a goth emo any more). **(Good thing you said that, you hadn't specified it enough as is.) **It was teh end **(Oh is it? Then why is there more to this chapter then?) **but not happy which meens Im not perfect so Im not a Mary Sue AREEL WRITER or what ever yur name is! **(Hah. Fourth wall breaking so the character can slam a writer for DARING to call her a sue. Always a classic.) **Chell tried booty quake but with no bom all that happened was blood got in places from the shakin' **(And I can't even argue with that one.) **an some blood hit a werd machine. It was…. A time machine! **(Oh, how fucking convienient!)**

"OMG I can go back in time **(How did she recognise it to be a time machine? Is it labelled with a neon sign or something?) **an stop me from killin Wheatly an make every thing happy a gain!" **(And create a time paradox, because if this never happened, you'd have no reason to go back in time to change it.) **I ran tinto the time machine an pressed some bottons and there was a huge flash… **(Random button pressing: The ONLY way to use a time machine.) **

UH OH MARRISSA IS GON BACK IN TIME BUT DID SHE GO TO THE RIGHT TIME OR MAYBE TO PORTAL 1 TIME WINK WINK FIND OUT NEXT TIME! **(Well, of fucking course. Because as we all know, Marissa existed back in Portal 1.) **

**(Mhm, everyone dies. That was the relation to Hamlet. And now to add to the confusion, time travel. You see this quite a lot in shitfics, so prepare for some real crap next chapter folks.)**


	8. That's not how time travel works

**(Urgh…I really don't like this chapter. I mean, I don't like this fic in general, but this one really gets under my skin…just…just read on and you'll see why. )**

AN SORRY IT WAS TAKIN SOO LONG FOR ME TO UPDATE BUT HERES THE BIGGEST CHAPPER YET! **(The joke here is, she's actually right!) **

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER ATE **(NOM NOM NOM, DAT VAS DELISHUS!)**: TIME FOR ADVENTURE **(As opposed to Adventure time.) **

The time mashine squirted **(Eww.) **me out into the past an I looked round. I cold see a girl in a jumpsuit like mean **(A mean girl? Odd, Chell never looked mean, I think.) **doin tests bu she was much less hot an pretty **(MUST REMAIN DOMINANT. SUE MUST ASSERT HER DOMINANCE AT ALL TIMES.) **so it must've been past Chell. "OH GURGS!" I yelled in sad, **(Gurgs? I… I don't even know about that one.) **Chell didt do tests becos she was booty quakin **(Which implies she was brain damaged BEFORE Marissa came along. PLOT HOLE #1) **so I must've goned to far back to Portal 1! **(Also, why is Marissa aware that the world she lives in is a video game.) **But the time mashine hadnt been invention yet **(But, you just came through one, so shouldn't you be able to use it to return? PLOT HOLE #2) **so I had to find a nother way. "YUO ARE NOT PART OF TESTS PREPAIR TO DI!" GLaDOS said **(Nice to see she was just as hammy back then too.) **at me but I still had my portal gon **(Apparently, not like any focus was given to it beforehand.) **an powers. I charged my powers into the portal gun wich made it glow an electric stuff round it. I fried it an the portal wasnt a normal portal but a blak hole! **(Ugh…I just…UGH!) **Chell wasnt brane damage yet so she was smart an got away **(Even though you just showed her "booty quakin'" so clearly she is. PLOT HOLE #3)**bu the GLadOS camra wasnt lucky an got sucked in. **(Uh… so it was just the camera? Why use the black hole then? Just portal is off the wall and it'll break. Come on, this is overkill.) **I lolled at dead GLaDOS camera **(Hah! Stupid dead camera! I'm sure this won't make GLaDOS angry at all! Hah!) **an went to find some thing that could make me future. **(Me Tarzan, you future. Let learn how speak properly.) **

I saw sum rbots doin tests in a diffrant room **(Pretty sure test robots hadn't been made yet…) **an they looked kin a familiar. "Hi my name is Atlas an this is P-Boy **(NO! It's explicitly stated those tow didn't exist until Portal 2. PLOT HOLE #4!) **(he changes his name to P-Body later thats why hes P-Boy in the first few chapters) **(Why not just go back and revise the name altogether you lazy arse?)** . " P-Doy **(Doy hoy hoy, derp dee dooo.) **waved nice at me I realised these must be prototip Atlas an P-Body from befour they were jerks! **(Gee, I wonder if something she does here will turn them into jerks. It's just soooo mysterious.) **"My name is Marrissa Roberts an Im lookin for a time mashine to get me BACK FO THE FURTURE lol." **(*headwall*) **Atlas an P-Boyd didnt understan becos this was the past an Back to the Future wasnt invented yet. **(Uh…not sure if I can really debate this point. I don't know exactly when Portal takes place, but considering the tech, chances are it exists before 1985. Really, the better explanation would be these two have never seen the film due to being in the facility. If their very existence wasn't a PLOT HOLE.) **"GLaDS didt make a time mashine yet **(Yet? So GLaDOS made the time machine? WHY?! What use would a stationary robot have for a time machine?!) **bu you can sleep in the relax hotel **(The stasis rooms? They're not a damn hotel, you need someone to turn on the stasis from outside, like Rattman did for Chell.) **for some years or somefin." P-Boy said an I went there. Little did I no I had assidentaly left some drugs an beer from Wheatly body **(Why was she carrying those around? And how?! The jumpsuit doesn't have pockets!) **in the room an Atlas an Pboy saw them an smoked them an became jerks! **(Called it. So Marissa created Tweedlearse and Tweedlehole. Good job.) **

Usin' a portal I got to relax hotel in notime **(Why is it in this fic, the portals just lead the user wherever they want? She doesn't even know where it is in the facility, and god knows how many test chambers and back rooms she'd have to go through just to find the damn thing. PLOT HOLE #5!)**there was a lot of sleepin guys an a robot ball lookin at them. My heart droped in happy. "WHEATLY!" I screemed ayn rand towards him. **(He won't recognise you in the past you fucking moron ) **Wheetly looked ta me an said "Bloody hell yur the most butiful girl Ive ever wankin seen!" **(Aaaand he's already head over heels for her. What a surprise.) **This must been when Wheatly an I first met! **(So you don't even remember it yourself? Weird…) **"OMG How do you no my name an woo are you?" He asked too. **(Which he says right after being hugged by some random chick. That'd be my first question, personally.) **

"Im Marrissa an I no yur name becos... I guessed lucky?" **(Well its THIS fic so I'm sure he'll fall for it.) **I didt want to let Whatly no I was from the future or Id mess up the time streem. **(She's thinking about that now, after she's come back to create a time paradox?) **"Do you no how I can get to the future?" Wheatly thot on my question. **(What makes her think he'll know, when the robots didn't?) **"Sorry I can think becos yur so hot an pretty I get distracted." **(SUE DOMINANCE. SUE DOMINANCE!) **I lolled at the compliment an gave him a kiss. "I AM IN LOFE WITH YOU!" **(Why? What makes her fall in love with the damn robot?!) **An I smelled at him. **(That must look weird, just sniffing at him lots.) **"Wheatly yur such a charmer I love you toe." **(Yup, that sure is charm. "Can't think, too pretty.") **Wheatly o-mouthed **(Back again to ruin my day ;-;) **an WE STARTED TO MAK OUT! **(How? Wheatley has no mouth. Is she just kissing his eye…heh, that's actually kinda funny.) **An you pervs out there Im not riting what happened next! =P **(Oh you tease. I was so looking forward to retching at the no doubt horrible porn you'd write out for a woman and a robot. Either that or she's using it to step over the plothole of how robot ball and human sex would work.) **

After Wheatly an are "private time" (winkwink) **(HINT HINT. NUDGE NUDGE. HAVE WE MADE IT CLEAR WHAT THEY WERE DOING YET?!) **Wheatly say "Ill put you in this bed an you can sleep till the future my lopve." I thot to myself how cold I have ever gotted a better guy than Wheet. **(By going out with an actual person?) **The it happened! **(The IT? Steven King's IT? )**The wall falled away an GLaDOS was lookin at me. "MARRISSA ROBERTS I NO WHO YOU ARE AN THAT YUR FROM THE FUTURE!" (**Uh…how?) **Wheatly got shocked but I telled him "No Wheatly shes a lier!" Wheatly got mad an said "GLADOS IM NOT SCARRED OF YOU NO MORE I GOT THE POWER OF LOVE!" So she punce Wheatly a way. **(lol fail.) **"NOW YOU WILL DIE FOR KILLIN IN THE FUTURE!" **(Again, how does she know?!) **GLaDOS turned on here nerotksin.

"Did you forgot Im immune to nerotoksin lol?" **(She SHOULDN'T know because this is PAST GLaDOS. You know, the one that's never met you before?!) **GLaDOS had a "Dude WTF" look on her feces. **(I'm going to go hurl now.) **Then got smart a gain an said "Oh yeah yur powers well I no were they came from an how to stop them." **(HOW?! ANSWER MY QUESTION DAMNIT!) **Then some thign happened. **(Pointless sentences again.) **I got all glowy an electic my powers were strongar then ever. **(FOR NOOOOO REASON.) **"No, imposable!" **(Imposable: to lay on or set as something to be borne, endured, obeyed, fulfilled, paid, etc.: to impose taxes.) **GLaDOS scrammed an I said "DIE B****!" An shooted my powers but it wasnt rite power. **(How does one make a mistake like that?) **Instead ano black hole opened an I was sucked **(More like YOU suck. Dirty nymph.) **"LOL you are died!" **(NOT BIG SURPRISE.) **GLaDOS boated an started doin more tests on Chell. Then the black hole got all black insid an I blacked out. **(Is it black in there? I can't tell. Also, you should be dead since anything inside a black hole gets compressed into nothingness.) **

When I awaked I was in a crass room **(How can a room be rude to you?) **an there was students ever where with "WTF" looks on their feces. **(…sorry, gotta go hurl again.) **A guy got up an he looked realy familiar like I seed him befour. **(Gee, I wonder.) **"Hi my name is Gabe Jonson **(Way to casually introduce yourself to someone who randomly appeared before you Gabe.) **an this is my girlfrend Karolin." He ponted at a hot gurl that looked kinna like GLaDOS if she was person. **(…and now I can't get all those DA pictures of human GLaDOS out of my head.) **"Who you?" She asked kinna jelous bcos I was touchin her boyfrend. **(Uh, how? You were only talking to him.) **"Uh... Im Marrissa Roberts im a new xchange student." **(In reality, no-one would buy this bullshit due to her spontaneous appearing. But in the magical world of fanfic land!) **I was tootaly wiered out becos I didt no where I was. Then it clacked. Gabe Jonson... Karlion... I more deeper in tim to the PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL! **( *facepalm* I hate these kinds of storylines. The whole "canon characters in high school" Shtick. It gets old fast because of just how implausible it is.) **"My hose blowed up **(Oh god, now how will you water the garden?) **cold I stay with wonna you?" An Karlin said "OK **(Ok random stranger, you can come stay with me!) **we can be lick sisters!" **(Lick sisters? Sounds like a Yuri waiting to happen…)**We wents to Karlins becos we were too cool for school **(So they skipped class? Marissa, forever a role model.) **which was nice an pink an the guy from Leave it Beaber was next door. **(Don't know who that is, so here's me pretending to be a cat. MEOW.) **

"Welcome to my commode!" **(I think you mean "abode" or "accommodation.) **Karoline yelled with pride at her room. **(4 nu raisin.) **There was a doble bed an a hairdresser an a toilet an closet with huge cloths. **(Is she calling Karolin/Caroline fat?) **"Ill leave you gurls alone lol." Gabe Jonson said an left to do mainly things. **(Mainly things? As opposed to slightly things?) **Karolen an I satted her bed an talked bout cute boys an muisic an stuff. **(Thankfully the author decided not to waste our time with that crap.) **"How about Justin Beaver isnt he teh hostess?" **(Beaver indeed…) **Karlin looked at me funny. "JUSTIN BABER ISNT INVENTED YET ARE YOU FROM THE FUTURE?" **(Man, Karolin sure knows her future history.) **I o-mouthed **(HNGH) **an said "OH S***!" Then I locked door an covere windos. "Promise you wont tell no none." **(It's raping time.) **An Karolin pinky sweated with me. "Alrite Im from the future an Im yur boyfrends dotter an I think yur my mom!" **(Marissa sure knows how to break sensitive news to people.) **Karolin o-mouthed I thot from the revlation but then I looked an saw she o-mouthed **(TWICE IN A PARAGRAPH, I CAN'T TAKE IT.) **becos som eone jumped out an...

TO BE CONTINUED! **(She must think leaving us on cliffhangers is clever. It would be, if the cliff-hangers were actually suspenseful!) **

WHOS JUMP OUT? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF ITS MY LIFE!

**(Yep, I remember now. The whole "high school" bit which is introduced for no reason. She could've just gone back to before Portal 1 to when Cave/Gabe ran the place, but no, it has to be highschool. Join us next time on a not as rage filling chapter.)**


	9. The nameless chapter

**(This chapter's nonsensical logic and pathetic attempt at crossover and backstory make me rage so hard...so look forward to that.) **

AN THIS WILL BE THE CHAPTER WITH ALL THE BIG REVLATIONS! **(Spoiler alert, it's one revalation, and its fucking stupid.) **

PS P-BODY IS A GILR? THANKS FOR TEH INFO ILL WORK THAT INTO THE STORY! **(Redoing chapters is for dummies.) **

PPS OF CORSE GABE JONSON IS DEAD **(The future one anyway.) **THATS WHY MARRISSA FOUND HIM IN ARDOID HELL DUH! **(Again, he's not an android, so why would he be in Android hell?) **ALSO WHOS CAVE JONSON IS HE LICK GABES EVIL TWIN **(No, he's the ACTUAL head of Aperture science before you got it deliberately mixed up.) **THATS A GOOD PLOT IDEA! **(Oh god no…)**

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER NINE: PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL AN A REVALATION! **(We were introduced to the "high school" bit last chapter, and there's no real "revelation" in this one either. So really, this chapter has no name.) **

I turnsed round an saw that it was... WHEATLY! **(…how?) **"Marrissa Im soo glad I found you! The black bloody hole sodding sucked me in too!" **(Oh. Also, how did he get into Karolin's house, let alone find out Marissa was going to be there?) **I gloped **(Uh…please tell me that isn't meant to be "groped.") **Wheatly an gave lots of hug an kisses while CAROLINE (See I listen to constertive crit instead of FALMER TROLLZ) **(Betting she misspells it later in the chapter.) **was all "OMFG". Wheatly locked at Carline **(Called it.) **an said "Who the bloody hell is this ugly bugger?" Becos she wasnt a pretty an hot as me **(Sue needs to remain dominant even over her own mother.) **an Wheetly wasnt used to seein other humans. **(Even though he was working in a place supposedly full, according to last chapter anyway.) **

"I better explain all this stuff this is my boyfrend Wheatly **(Any normal person would question why a robot ball is talking. Not this fic though.) **the robot-ball (I cant rember was GLaDOS called him an it was meen an stupid any way) **(A bit like this fic to our intelligence then.) **we're from the future where yur an we need to get back to then." **(Notice how Marissa forgot her original objective of stopping herself at all.) **I gave Carolion **(Rawr! Also, knew she wouldnt.) **the down-lo. "Ok but I am ony a junor in Portal High School so im not smart enuff yet to build a time mashine. **(I love how she takes all this in so casually. No problem at all. Even making a time machine flies over her head.) **But I no some guys hoo can." Then Cabe Jonson came in the room. **(FUCK, THAT'S DISGUSTING.) **

"I herd every thing! **(Let me just announce I was spying on you!) **We must wate for toromow then go to school an time mashine you too." **(Because doing it at school is far easier than staying at home and doing it!) **So Gabe Jonson went home an me an Caroline an Wheatly all sleeped in her big doble bed **(Awwww.) **but we didnt do no thing gross lick that ok! **(And you just ruined it. Top notch work author.) **The next mornin we woke up an readied for school. "Marrissa how can I school **(How I good grammar and spelling.) **when im a bloody roboball?" Caroline smied an said "Dont worry I can pretend yur my sience fare project." **(Well ain't that a cliche. Good thing there's a convienient science fair on. In fact, good thing teenagers can make a time machine at all.) **We got Portal High School in Carlines car **(You know, if they're in highschool, she's got to be between 10-16. So she's way too young to be driving.) **which as a cool ferrari. **(Let alone buy a fucking ferrarri.) **Are long hare was blowin in the breeze an we were signing pop sungs like "Party in the USA" an "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" **(So Miley Cyrus exists in this past, but Back to the future doesn't? Why not just throw in "Friday." while you're at it!?) **an Wheatly sang to but didt no the words. **(Pay attention to that, because it's very important.)**

When we gotted to Portal High there was a lot of guys starin at me becos I was the new girl an more hot an pretty than the others. **(Sue's must remain dominant, even over nonexist characters.) **"Sorry duds Im takin =D" **(What, does she suddenly just say equals dee?) **I waved cool an struted my stuff **(Strutting, even when she's taken. What a fucking whore.) **with Carlion. "When do we meet the time mashine?" **(Once you read the rest of this chapter, you will get why this sentence made me retch.) **I asked to Caraline an she said "Gabe said his frends will meet us a lunch we have to class until then." Are first class was jim **(Who would take a class where you study a single person?) **(Caroline hacked the net work so all are classes were the same). **(If she can do that, why not hack Gabe's schedule so he has no classes and just get it done then?) **

Affer we got in are jim close **(Jim closed? Damn, I wanted to learn about him.) **some guys were starin at me an hootin an lookin at my bobs so I yelled "YOU PERVEARTS!" **(How DARE you look at me when i'm not showing off! Even though I was "struttin'" earlier, it's still rude! UGH!) **An they ran away becos they saw me 'angry face'. **(So they ran away and out of class? Yeesh, does she take on the face of Freddy Kruegar?) **"OMG!" Caroline OMGed **(We've officially sunk lower than O-mouthed.) **"Look at the noo mascots there soo coot!" **(Elongating O's is cool!) **I looked at them an saw... "Carline those not mascots there... ATLAS AN P-BOY!" **(What a fucking suprise.) **Altas an P-Boy saw mee an P-Boy "MY NAME IS P-BODY NOW BECOS IM ACTUALLYA GIRL!" **(Hm...you know, that actually makes me think. In chapter 1, P-Body/Boy was staring at Marissa's boobs/bobs. So, doesn't that technically make her a lesbian?) ** P-Body yelled loud at me. I o-mouthed **(AGH) **an Caroline went all "Dude WTF?" a gain. **(Again? She OMGed, at least keep your stupid leet words to yourself.) **

"Give us more drugs an beer or well shoot you an yur frend!" **(Drugs and beer are not exlusive to Marissa, fucking morons.) **Atlas goaded an taked out a guns. **(The author's lack of basic grammar never ceases to amaze me.) **Caroline was a scarred **(I would be too if I were in this fic.) **an shakin while I jus held Wheatly reel tite but he didt say no thing becos he was pretendin to be a sience fare project. **(Why is Wheatley always left with pointless details in this chapter?) **"OH NO YOU DONT!" A big fat kid russianed **(YEUGH! And i thought O-mouthed was bad...) **at Atlas an P-Body an landed on them like squish! **(I'm almost certain this bit is making fun of fat people.) **He goot up an brush robot parts of off him **(I give it 1, 2 chapters tops before they're back.) **an went to shack my hand.

"My name is Russian name so pepole just call me Heevy cos Im reel fat LOL!" **(HAH! THATS EVEN FUNNIER THAN YOUR RANDOM REFERENCES.) **Heavy russianed **(The intercontinenal pain!) **to me while I was shackin his hand. "You got heer just in time." Caroline lolled. The Heavy guy **(Now I seriously think she's taking the piss...) **ponted to the left an there were some other guys. "These are my frends, we all has cool niknames they are: Scot, Spy, Solder, Medik, Sniper, Demonman, Piro an Ingineer **(Oh fucking fantastic, we're getting her piece o' crap teen fortress 2 fic involved.) **were seinors so we can smart enuff to build time mashine **(Oh yeah, all seniors are smart enough to build time machines. It's common knowledge.) **for you." The Ingineer got up to me. **(As opposed to an Outgineer?)** "Well little lady I herd you need a time mashine builted. Well Im a seinor an I passed my time mashine exam **(...as stupid as that concept is, it should exist.) **so I can help!" He started buildin the time mashine when Gabe Jonson came in. **(Again, Gabe could've just asked him round and saved them all this trouble.)**

"Well I guess this is goodbye my dotter." He cried a little an gave me hug an I hug back. "Ill miss you to Marrissa Robertsyur the best dotter I didt have yet." **(God that sentence sounds stupid.) ** Caroline was cryin so I gave her hug too. The Ingineer gotted up an said "THE MASHINE IS COMPLEET!" **(I'd argue that a time machine can't be built from scratch that quickly, but considering the engineer's other buildings and this fic's lack of logic, i'm not gonna argue.) **Befour I cold go in the Ingineer stoped me an took out a big nettle. **(Nettle. I'm gonna interpret that as kettle.) **"Also I made a injecshun **(Aww, spoil my fun.) **that will give you speshal powers." **(Because being good with machines means you're also good with chemicals.) **I lolled an said "I already have them becos this is the past this must be how I got them in the first place." **(Worst power origin story ever.) **The Ingineer thot a min an said. "Okay Ill put them in Caroline so when she babys you **(Instantly knowing who her mother is.) **then you have them to not mess up the time streem." He put the nettle in Caroline **(And so she began heating water. I want it to be kettle damnit ;-;) **an electric happened all over her **(Get injected = instant electrical reaction.) **an I felt even MORE POWER FULL. **(That makes no fucking sense.) **I grabed Wheatly an got ready to go in the mashine when...

MEANWHILE IN THYE FUTURE! **(This entire point could've been revealed in a plot twist in a later chapter and actually be interesting.) **

Back in the future Chell was still tryin a booty quake but no thing jigglewiggle. **(Because the author still thinks that's funny.) **"Hey you over there come heer!" A voice said an Chell went to it. **(DERP DE DOOOO) **It was GLaDOS head not died affer all! **(Wow, what a fucking surprise, I never would've guessed!) **"I can be yur new booty!" So Chell piced up GLADS an put where butt was there. **(...no...this...really can't be happening.) **GLaDOS started to LOL all evil an wiers came out of her **(Because GLaDOS can do that now. Guess she somehow got Marissa's "new powers as the plot demands it" syndrome.) **an into Chell so she was transform just like GLaDOS planed... **(So...GLaDOS planned to turn Marissa into a goth, so she'd kill her and go back in time to save Wheatley, so she could merge with Chell? GLaDOS could've just done that ANYWAY, THIS MAKES NO SENSE! NOOOO SEEEEENSE!) **

TO BE CONTINUED!

OH NO CHELL AN GLADOS IS FUSED TO CHELLGADOS! **(Inspired name is inspired.) **HOW CAN MARRISSA STOP HER NOW **(The same way she does with everything else.) **AN CAN SHE EVEN GET BACK OR IS SOME THING GOIN DOWN AT PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL? **(Well there must be, or you wouldn't leave a fucking cliffhanger there.) **FIND OUT NEXT TIEM!

**(Well that was fun, wasn't it? No? Well get used to it, we got 7 more chapters of this shit.) **


	10. Pointless fighting

**(Epic random battles of absolute pointlessness. Also someone dies, I don't even care. Do you? I don't.) **

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER TEN: WHO IS CAVE JONSON? **(The person you renamed Gabe for no damn reason.) **

I got reddy **(As opposed to yellowy?) **to step into the time mashine with Wheatly when a guy showed up **(He said "Combines, leave my son alone." )**who looked my dad but more meen. **(This is becoming a standard for the author's writing. "Like X but more Y." Whether it be describing her sue or random characters.) **"I am CAVE JONSON who is GABE JONSONS more evil twin!" **(Why does everyone announce their presence like this is a stage show?) **He lolled like bad an some guys camed **(Eugh!) **up from behind him. "I also cloned all yur frends to make evil ones **(Um…why? And how for that matter?) **they are called... TEEN FORTRESS 2 (Becos there in High School get it)!"**(I got it. You're as funny as a clown. Being shot. And run over.)** I new that Caroline had powers now **(I'm calling that into question too. Her argument, is that by giving them to Caroline, they'll be passed down through genetics. But there's only a 50% that the single gene will be passed on from both the parents, including Gabe. So wouldn't it make more sense to inject him too?) **so I just went into the mashine when the evil Demomon **(Demomon, digital monsters.) **explodd it. This was soo sad, I had finally gotted a way to return to the time when an now it was gone.**(It's not that bad. Surely if the Inginiir can whip one up as fast as he did last time, it's no problem. Right? Too much common sense for this fic?) ** "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I yelled like the sun **(I've never heard the sun yell personally.) .**an my powers golwed all round me with sparks an lighting.

"I AM THE DEMONMAN!" **(I'm almost certain that's not a typo. Sadly the demo man is not a hipster demon. Waste of opportunity.) **Said the Demonaman an he fired bombs at the evil guys **(Oh, so I guess that IS a typo. :c ) **but Cave Jonson lolled some more an said "I have made the immune with sheelds you cannot hurt them." **(This is like fights on the playgrounds, when your opponent makes up the "everything proof shield" …what, just me?) **My powers were still chargin up an they finished an I fired a bolt of electric stuff at Cave Jonson but then... HE FIRED ANO BOLT OF ELECTRIC STUFF TO ME! **(So, how does Cave have all this stuff?) **"Haha ha! The evil Ingineer gave me powers like yurs Marrissa **(Oh, of course. Still makes no fucking sense.) **now you will die!" He shooted more powers at me but I had a trick, **(PICK A CARD!) **I still had me portal gun. I powered up teh gun an fired a black hole to were Cave Jonson was. **(Oh yeah…that ¬¬ How was she carrying that around with no-one noticing? Was it balanced in her tits?)**

The black hole started suckin up all the things but Cave Jonson cold fly an escaped. **(Nothing escapes a black hole. It's pull literally draws in everything, no matter how far you fly. Really, this attack is too dangerous to use, because it literally just sucks up everything, not just your enemies. Then again, Portal's connection with science is a bit out there…) **"Can I fly to?" I asked in shock at the power. "No, you can only space flight but Ill put the power Caroline becos shes yur mom."**(So Caroline's demoted to Plot convenience machine 101.) ** So the Engineer **(Holy shit, she spelled his name right o.o) **taked out nettle a gain an put it in Paroline an I started to hoover. **(This is no time for cleaning Marissa!) **"FLY ON!" I yelled an soared to wards Cave Jonson who was at the tracks beatin up all the football players **(Uh…does he have ADD? Did he just forget he was fighting someone? Also, why aren't the rest of the "clones" doing anything? Maybe they're defective.) **an tryin to molest the cheer leaders becos he was an evil jerk like Atlas an P-Body. **(Seriously Cave, sort out your priorities.) **"Hey you big jerk Cave Jonson pice on someone yur own size!" I smirked with hands on hips. **(Good idea Marissa. Taunt him instead of using the distraction to attack him. Fucking moron.) **"No you dont you die!" Cave lolled an shot lighting bolts an power missiles at me. **(Is Cave just vomiting missiles? This one's new.) **I used my detective power to figure out were he wold fire **(Just how DOES that detective power work?) **an be in a nother place wen he did. "How can I not hit you with all my big booms?" I lolled at him. "Thats becos yur a bad guy an an bad guys loose!" **(Mother 3. Villains technically win in that.) **Then I shot him with the biggest powerup I ever had an there was a big flash an Cave Jonson was gone. **(Guess he forgot the shield that time…) **

I flewed back to the jim an saw Gabe an Caroline an Wheatly an the good Teen Fortress 2 cheerin **(Guess the whole "clone" thing has been completely abandoned. Nice to see they did nothing to help too. Forget all those guns and training they have, nah they just watch from the sidelines.) **"Marrissa! Marrissa! Yay!" They were all so happy an proud of me it brot a tears to my eye. **(Praaaaaaise the sue e.e) **"You guys are all the best! You shold come with me an Wheatly to the future!" **(Because having one time paradox isn't enough. We need to create so many holes the present turns into a piece of swiss cheese.) **Gabe Jonson looked sad an told me "No Marrisser, if we go life in the future then it will break the time streem an cause a paradoks." **(Yup, that's right. So why isn't he bringing this up for Wheatley?) **I cried alittle more an hugged Gabe an Caroline. "I guess this is goodbye my grate future dotter." Caroline sniffled.** (She could smell the sue reeking off of Marissa.) ** "Also you must have a nother child named Chell but she will be less hot an pretty than me ok?" **(UGH! The sue's asserting her dominance is REALLY pissing me off. It's moved onto levels of people who don't even EXIST yet.) **They both nodded "Ok" an we were all happy.

"Marrissa I've repaired the time mashine its time for you an Wheatly to home." **(See? Told you it wasn't that bad.) **The good Ingineer said. I picked up Wheatly hoo was a sleep becos he didnt have his rale to charge **(Actually he was just bored from all the shit going on.) ** on an stepped into the mashine. Lights started goin an flashin when suddenly... CAROLINE WAS GOT SHOT! "I was not dead it was just a trick!" Cave Jonson sayd holdin up the gun. **(Uh... how do you fake dying from probably getting vaporised? That's some fake out...) **Gabe went on the ground an cried some then stood up an screemed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !" **(So, logically this means Marissa should be disappearing right about now. YES!) **Then with all the furry **(Keep that fandom out of this ya damn troll.) **from his hole mussely body Gabe Jonson jump kicked Cave Jonson an blew up his head. **(Jump kick = exploding head? Ok that's kinda badass, if not nonsensical.) **Cave Jonson was died for real now but at what cost? **(One pointless chapter, that's what.) **

Gabe ranned to Caroline body (I coldnt becos the mashine was still powerin up with me in it). "Carlion, pleese be ok!" **(She got shot, do you honestly think she's going to be ok?)**Gabe cried to Caroline an blood was comin out of her every where. "Im sorry Gabe but the woond is fatal she will dye soon." The Medik said **(…what. I'm sorry, the medigun heals wounds in a second, why isn't he helping?!) **with tear in eyes. "Gabe, Marrissa, I... love... you..." Then she died. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Gabe cried a gain. **(Now we're getting into Revenge of the Sith levels of writing.) **"I will build you a new robot body Caroline an it will be called... GLaDOS!"**(So that's how it connects… that's absolutely stupid.) **I o-mouthed **(So close…almost a whole chapter without it.) **but befour I cold stop him the time mashine sent me back to the future! **(And that line is actually relevant in the context...one point for that.) **

TO BE CONTINUED!

OH NO! **(OH YES!) **NOW MARRISSA AN WHEATLY ARE BACK IN THE PRESENT **(And time is destabalizing at an alarming rate.) **BUT CAROLINE IS TURNED INTO GLADOS! AN WHAT IS HAPPENED IN PORTAL LABS NOW THAT CHELL AN FUTURE **(I'm guessing shit got fucked up.) **

AN I CANT BEELEVE HOW MANY REVIEWS MY STORY IS GETTIN SOON ILL HAVE A HUNDERD! **(Reviews =/= a good fanfic.) **I LOVE YOU GUYZ! **(We don't love you.) **

PS OK I WAS RONG ABOUT CAVE JONSON I THOT HIS NAME WAS GABE SO TO FIX THE PLOT HOLE, **(Retconning is for morons! And this doesn't even slightly fix it.) **AFTER MARRISSA WENT TO FUTURE GABE JONSON CHANGED NAMED TO CAVE IN ONOR OF HIS DED BROTHER. **(Um, why? If Cave's evil, why would Gabe change his name in honour of his wife's killer?) **

**(So, epic battle out of nowhere. The result? Shit. No surprises there. Next chapter's not AS stupid though. Still stupid, but you take what you can get with this fic.) **


	11. Oh god, why?

**(This chapter at least sticks to Aperture and doesn't try to incorporate much else…except for something near the end that makes me cry. My favourite character ;-;) **

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER ELEVEN: RIES OF CHELLGADOS **(Rie, but no catcher, sadly.) **

"Oh thank bloody god were finally back in the sodding present Marrissa!" **(Hngh...go back to sleep Wheatley.) **Wheatly happily said to me as we got out of time mashine into Portal Labs **(Aperture…please…just use it once ;-;) **like it was befour. **(Again, not befive.) **With GLaDOS an Atlas an P-BODY died from last time now we cold have peace at last. **(Yup. Good luck finding food in this place.) **Then some weerd noises started to come out of the walls lick something **( "walls lick something" …never thought I'd see those words combined in a sentence.) **was climbin in im. The wall boomed up an a the scarryest thing ever came out it was... CHELL AN GLaDOS FUSIONED. **(Yeah, GLaDOS' head on Chell's ass sure is scary…Merasmus is scarier than that. I'm still questioning GLaDOS' efficiency with biological engineering too.) **

"Hahaha Marrissa you didt make sure I was realy dead. **(How much more surely can you blow someone up?) **Now I have fused with Chell **(Because she can do that now.) **an she is the body an I am the brane an butt (Becos shes a a**!)" **(HAH! Also, why the butt? Why not, say, the head?!) **Chell was all covered with robothings **(Nonspecific description, FTL) **an wiers with GlaDOSs head were her booty was an sum tubes in Chell face. "Buggering wanker shes gone mad!" **(She wasn't mad before?) **Wheatly cried. CHELLGAODS lolled an opened a door from the wall an guess who stepped oot... **(Gee, I fuckin' wonder.) **ATLAS AN P-BODY bu something was diffrent about P-Body. She had a big bumpy thing in her robot place. **(Robot place? That can refer to ANYWHERE.) **

"Atlas you b**** you madded me preganent **(…robotic…pregnancy…ROBOTIC…PREGNANCY…) **now I cant drink or smoke drugs!" **(…I'm sorry, I can't get over this. Humans pregnant with robots, I will accept. CHELLGADOS, I will accept. But…pregnant robots…NO! JUST NO! THIS IS IDIOTIC! THIS AUTHOR IS AN EMBARRASSMENT TO SCIENCE!) **P-Body was soo mad soundin but Atlas said "Well you sholda thot about that befour we-" **(Yes, you should've thought before we had robot sex, GOD THIS IS FUCKING STUPID!) **"SHUT UP YOU TO AN KILL MARRISSA!" CHELLGaDOS interoperated, **(…interpreted? Perhaps?That's what I can interpret of this crap. ) **they looked mean at me but I was fed up with all this an just shot my power blast at them an Atlas an P-Body bloomed up. **(Well at least that was quick instead of being dragged the fuck out like before.) **"Oh dear god save the queen its some bloody toobs!" **(Oh no, not tubes! Tubes on their own are so scary!)**Wheatly pointed up with eye an I look up an saw that toobs made Atlas an P-Body a gain!**(Spoke too soon...)**

"Ever time you kill them I can just rebuild LOL" CHELLGaDOS said really loud. **(Yep, keep rebuilding robots who can't do jack shit. Clever you GLaDOS.) **I did a doble jump **(No no no, you didn't press A twice. Also its physically impossible for humans to double jump.) **an grabed the toob, stuffin Wheatly in my jumpsuit **(You know, I forgot to mention how this breaks physics. Wheatley's size is at least twice the size of a person's head, so how on earth can he be held in place in her jumpsuit/tits? Unless… oh god, balloon tits e.e) **so he was happy becos my chests were so big an squishy **(Barely any change in that description from earlier.) **.I climed up the toob **(How? It's a fucking tube, there aren't exactly handholds.) **an entered the walls behind. All the wierd drawings was there sayin stuff like "The cake is lie" an things. **(Oh good, Rattman's insane and creepy murals has been reduced to "weird drawings." Good.) **There was only one person hoo cold stop CHELLGaDOS... RATMAN! **(Oh god no…leave poor Rattman out of this ;-; please) **

I had to find him usin my detective powers **(He's probably dead anyway! If this takes place during Portal 2, chances are, Rattman is dead! Now let him rest in peace!) **so I used them an saw that Rtaman had writed this stuff about 10 AM so the trale was still hot. **(That tells us nothing considering we don't even KNOW what time it is.) **I ran thru the air ducks **(Aquaducks. Viaducks. Airducks. I actually like that misspelling.) **dodgin fans an cleaner robots **(Because we've totally seen cleaning robots in Aperture.) **that keeped sayin I was soo pretty an asking me to date them **( *facepalm* This is ridiculously sueish.) **so Wheatly said "F*** OFF YOU BLOODY BURGERS!" **(How dare you hit on my girl you stupid beef patties!) **An they stopped makin words. **(I'm starting to think English isn't this writer's first language.) **There was a crumbly sound an I looked back, CHELLGaDOS was followin me thru the ducks! **(Instead of amping the power in them to send her flying into the fans. Moron.) **

"YOU CANNOT ESKAPE ME THIS TIME MARRISSA YOU WILL FINALLY DYE **(I WILL make you blonde and you will like it!) **FOR STOPING ME FROM SEWISIDING AN BREAKIN MY TESTS!" She was soo mad **(Really? I couldn't tell.) **that she punched alls the way thrur part of the air duck **(DUCKS!) **an made Chells hand all bloody an bone. "YEOOUCH!" CHELLGaDOS yelled forgettin she was Chell an GlaDOS now so both feeled the same hurt. **(Makes you wonder why she did this in the first place.) **I lolled at them **(Yes, laugh at your own sister's pain you horrible spawn of hell.) **an sprinted way with my lung fall boots. **(Lung fall twice now…that can't be coincidence.) **

The air duck collapsed so it was a good thing my long boobs cold brake the fall. **(…she really does have balloon tits e.e) **"Its a good thing we finally meet at last, Marrissa." **(That sentence makes no sense.) **A strange lookin guy with thin an labcoat that was like cape **(Noooooo ;-;) **say. "I am Ratman I fight a gainst the bad robots **(No! This is wrong! Rattman didn't fight them head on, he helped Chell knowing she could! Stop raping these characters you sadistic author!) **lick CHELLGaDOS **(Taste's like metal and OOCness.) **an now we can teem up. **(How does he even know about Marissa? Did he stalk her?) **Heer take this weapon its like GLaDOSs diskourage lazer beams but a gun." **(That's…actually a good idea.) **I lolled at him an esplained "I dont need weapons I have cool powers instead." **(My sue-per powers beat all others!) **An I went all glowy an electric an Ratman got a "dude WTF" look on his feces. **(Author. You like shit. I understand that. But please stop forcing it on us. It's just gross.) **

He got two of the lazer guns an put them on an said "Alrite Marrissa lets get ready to fight an kill CHELLGaDOS once an four all!" **(While I do like the idea of Rattman being a robot hunting badass…it shouldn't be in this fic. It just sucks how it's portrayed here.) **But I got kinna nervos becos then I wold have to kill my retorded sister an mom together too... **(You had no problem laughing at Chell's pain and killing her before, I'm sure you'll manage.) **

TO BE CONTINUED!

SORRY THIS CHAPTER IS SHORT **(Apology not accepted!) **BUT THE NEXT ONE IS THE BIG FINAL BATTLE BETWEEN MARRISSA AN CHELLGADOS OR IS IT? **(Probably not. You can find a way to drag this fic out some more.) **FIND OUT NEXT TIME!

**( *sniffle* Rattman…why…why would she do this to you… *sniff* ;-;) **


	12. Sues don't die

**(So, here it comes, a massive dump of exposition that only proceeds to make this story more confusing and even crappier than before. I am soooo excited.) **

AN YOU GUYSARE ALL SO WEIRD! **(You're the weird one here, author.) **YOU WERE GIVIN ME GOOD REVIEWS THEN YOU SAY IM A TROLL **(That's because you are a troll.) **AN THAT YUR GONNA KILL ME **(I'd like to thank all the people who threatened this person with death.)** AN PUT SALT IN MY THINGS**? (I'd pour salt in your eye you slug.)** IF IT WERENT FOR THE PEPOLE HOO REALLY LICK MY STORY** (AKA no-one.)** LIKE THE BUZINESS GUY AN SEPHRAL AN CAT NOT BOUNCY ID STOP IT RITE NOW! **(Damn…)**

PS - I NO THAT GLADOS IS SPELLED GLADOS I CALLED HER FUSION CHELLGADOS BECOS CHELL ALREADY HAS THE LS AN IT SOUNDED MORE COOLER! **(No…no it isn't. It sounds fucking stupid. Like everything else in this fic.)**

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER TWELF: THE FINAL BATTLE **(Actually, this is technically the penultimate final battle. Of course she doesn't just end it here, no no, that's what a slightly decent author would do.) **

Ratman an I were goin thru the air ducks **(Yup, still don't mind that typo.) **to get to CHELLGADOSs layer **(So she has many layers? What, is she an onion?) **were the final show down wold be. **(Penultimate showdown.) **Wheatly was growlin an tryin to be scarry **(When is he going to learn that growl is ineffective?) **becos he didant have weapons so he was lick are cheer leader. **(If Wheatley was on his management rail, he could at LEAST help out somewhat, instead of being reduced to a fucking cheerleader.) **We intered the layer **(And began to cry from the onion's fumes.) **an saw CHELLGADOS buildin turrents but these ones was speshal becos they cold walk a round an shoot an stuff! **(Again, that's not a bad idea. Shame it's pulled off so crappily here.) **"INTURDER!" One of the turrents called to CHELLGADOS. **(Mission failed, you have been spotted.) **CHELLGADOS looked at me with all the angry she ever had. **(ALL OF MY ANGRY!) **

"Marrissa Roberts you have interfeared with my plans for the last time becos now I will kill you." **(Good luck with that. I bet it'll work out just fine.) **Then she seed Ratman an got more angry. "RATMAN IS A LIFE? **(No, Rattman is not a 1-up.) **NOW YOU WILL BOTH DYE!" **(Now I will make you redheads!) **CHELLGADOS taked out her portal gun wich was modified to shoot bullets lick a reel gun but cold shoot portals to just in case. **(Don't know how she could do that, without adding an extra barrel and trigger.) **She fired the portal gun an it hit Ratman with a boom **(Oh no, he got hit by a portal! Which…doesn't hurt anyone. Seriously.) **an I thot he was dead for sure. **(Shame he didn't use those, oh I dunno, fucking laser cannons?!) **

But Ratman gotted up! "Silly CHELLGADOS you cannt hurt me becos..." He pulled down his pants **(Oh god…) **an I saw that he had replased his man thingys with... the space an rick cores! **(How incredibly inconvienient that would be…I mean they're fucking massive!) **"IVE GOT BALLS OF STEEL!" **(….what. WHY! WHY WOULD YOU…WHY! WHY…I-I CAN'T! I CAN'T ACCEPT THIS! NO!) **(Thats from a game called Duke Nukum Forever its funny) **(It's about as funny as watching a window smash. Or reading this fic.) ** The space core was still thing he was in space but Rick was mad at been one off Ratmans tentacles. **(*sigh* Don't turn this into a hentai, please.) **"Well then ill just portal you into space like Wheatly an see how you like it you wont!" **(That poor comma…she must have thrown it out of that sentence.) **CHELLGADOS shooted a nother portal unner Ratmans feet an he was sucked into s space. "No dont you are my dotter Chell!" Ratman yelled as he got sucked in. **(Oh god, are you REALLY going to include more fucking family relation plot confusion? It's getting old author!) **

"OMG HOW?" CHELLGADOS an me said at the same time to gether. **(Because having two reactions is too haaaard.) **"It all storted a long time ago..." Ratman gave us the down lo **(Stupid Americanism…) **as he was just barely hanging on to the portal. **(As Portal 2 clearly showed us, a portal to space would suck out everything in the room, not just them.) **"I used to work for Gabe Jonson affer he changed his name to Cave in onor of his dead brother. **(Again, why?) **Caroline was got shot as you no Marrissa an was put in a robot body that was called... GLaDOS!" **(I love how this author doesn't even give a reason to why Gabe would call her GLaDOS.) **CHELLGADOS o-mouthed **(To spice things up, in this chapter, I will replace my rage at this overused phrase with animal noises. On that note, WOOF.)**at his shockin words. **(So did Gabe tell Rattman all this? And why would he?) **"Gabe new he wold have to dotters named Marrissa an Chell **(Uh, how? Gabe only knew about Marissa, Chell was never mentioned or seen.) **but since GLaDOS was a prototip she an Cave coldnt make baby normal way an instead used the artificial enseamanation **(Not even going to borther questioning that one…) **an grew test toob babys. But there was a miksup an my dna got used instead of Gabes **(And how did YOUR DNA get mixed in, unless you added it yourself?) **for one of the toobs that toob was... CHELL!" Then Rutman coldnt hold on any longer an fell into space an died. **(Well at least he's safe from the writer now… *sniff* ;-; )**

Then CHELLGADOS started shackin an looked funny. **(Guess the OOCness of this fic is finally breaking her.) **Chell was fightin back a gainst GLaDOSs control! **(Because that's a thing.) **"Marrissa there is not much time left you must kill me to stopped GLaDOS once and four all!"**(By the way, this is all your fault you fucking moron!)** I o-mouthed **(QUACK!) **becos Chells brane damage was cured **(Well she IS attached to GLaDOS.) **so now I coldnt put her out of MISERY lol. **(Hahaha killing mentally hindered people is so hilarious.) **"But I cannt kill you Chell yur my sister **(You had no problem killing her twice before this.) **there must be a nother way! **(There is. You return the world to normal and leave this canon, immediately!) **Chell got sad "Hurry GLaDOS is takin control!" An she started lollin with evil. There was no way I cold kill Chell **(Why didn't you act like this the last two times you killed her unmercifully?) **an then I rembered that GLaDOS used to be Carlion an that made me not want to kill herr neither. **(Again, didn't stop you the past two times.) **

"Bloody hell Marrissa shes powerin up!" **(She's reached super saiyan level 3!) **Wheatly screemed from inside my jump soot **(Still surprised how Marissa can stand.) **an I looked up an saw CHELLGADOS was floatin in air an electric stuff was comin out off her. **(She really IS going super saiyan.) **"THANKS MARRISSA YUO REMINDED ME THAT I USED TO BE CARALIN SO I REMBERED THAT I HAVE POWERS TOO!" **(Uh no. According to the Inginiir, the bullshit power serum was given to Caroline, just to give Marissa powers, and not Caroline herself. Stick to your own bullshit plot devices, author, it's not like you were confusing enough.) **I o-mouthed, that dumb ingineer forgot to make it so only I gotted the powers! **(Actually, he made it SPECIFICALLY to give you powers, moron.) **I didant no what to do now an it seemed hope less when a herd a sound. "Hey b**** were heer for backup!" It was... ATLAS AN P-BODY! **(What a fuck mothering surprise.) **

"OMG why are you jersk helpin me?" **(Don't ask, just let them get killed so you can leave this fic.) **I asked while o-mouthin **(MOO!) **from the shock. "Becos CHELLGADOS is half yur sister an we dont lick you so we dont lick Chell neither!" **(That…makes no sense.) **Atlas eksplained. "An I rembered that you gave us the drugs an beer in the first place **(Because it's impossible to get those outside of Marissa.) **so if it wasnt for you we woldnt have drugs an beer!" **(Which makes no sense considering they threatened her to get drugs and beer in a previous chapter.) **P-Body added an Atlas nodded like yeah! **(This makes no sense at all…) **We started ti fire are portal guns **(I don't know, are they?) **at CHELLGADOS an the portals combined to make a big portal black hole. **(Because that's apparently still a thing.) **

"OH SH**!" CHELLGADOS screamed as the GLaDOS parts were all sucked out off Chell. **(Because that's how a black hole works. It just sucks everything off of you.) **Ones all of GLadOS was gone we closed the portal an Chell falled down on the ground. "Chell I safed you!" **(Now hold still so I can kill you again.) **I rant to my sister **(Stop ranting, that's MY job.) **an gave her hug. "Marrissa Im sorry, but the damaje from GLaDOS was to much..." An she dyed in my arms. **(Well that was fairly quick…weird.) **"Nooooo Chell my sister you are died!" **(I'm reminded of Shakespeare characters announcing their deaths on stage, which seems as silly as this. Of course, Shakespeare is still an excellent writer, whereas this writer is...not. Just not.) **I cried soooo much an Whealty cried to **(Robot tears…nope, I got nothing.) **becos they was frends even Atlas an P-Body looked kinna sad.

I put down Chells body an stand up when there was a clikclak nose be hind me. "LOL **(What, "lolled" wasn't good enough for this moment?) **we tricked you to get yur guard down Marrissa! **(You could've just shot her instead of telling her you morons. Though at least this makes more sense than them actually turning good.) **Now die b****!" An Atlas an P-Body lolled **(SEE?! YOU USED IT THERE, WHY NOT USE IT BEFORE?!) **an shot me in head. "Marrissa!" Wheatly screamed an ever thing got really black an I died. **(Ding dong, the witch is dead, etc) **

TO BE CONTINUED? **(God I wish it weren't.) **

OH NO MARRISSA IS DIED! **(Considering how much emphasis you've put on it, I doubt it.) **CAN WHEATLY SAFE HER? **(Nope. He can't move anywhere.) **FIND OUT IN THE NEXT ONE PS IM THINKIN OF MAYBE WRITIN A SPINNOFF A BOUT TEEN FORTRESS 2 **(God no…) **AN GABE JONSON AN CARALION LIVIN IN PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL WHAT DO YOU GUYS THIN? **(I think that's the worst idea since an asbestos and bacon sandwich.) **

**(Well, I wish I could say things aren't as slapdash and stupid in the last chapters but…well you should know by now that this is the case with every chapter in this fic.) **


	13. Ytilanigiro

**(So now we're really delving into Christian Weston Chandler territory. Don't get what I mean? Yhw dna ees gnidaer peek.) **

AN OMG I GOT 102 REVIEWS **(Congrats. You want a fucking biscuit?)** EVEN IF THERE MOSTLY DUM FLAMERZ **(Well at least she's aware most of her feedback is crap.) **THATS STILL PRETTY GOOOD FOR A FIRS STORY! **(No…no. It is not.) **ALSO THANK RAI AN APE SOME THING BECOS THEY GAVED ME SOME REALY COOL IDEAS FOR THE NEW CHAPTERS! **(They will never be credited for these ideas specifically.)**

PS MARRISSA DIED THAT PROOVES SHES NOT A MARRY SUE OK! **(Nope. If anything it proves the point even further. Mary Sue's dying untimely deaths is quite common, usually in sacrifice for someone else. See Ebony's multiple deaths in My Immortal.) **

PPS THIS HCAPTER IS FROM WHEATLY POV **(Oh fuck no…)**

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER THIRTEN: MARRISSAS RESSUREKSHUN **(Eeyup, another sue trait. Death defying.) **

This was the most bloody terribel thing ever. **(I dunno, there are things worse than this fic, as bad as it is.) **Marrisser was died with a gun shoot to her soddin head an blood an branes were all over ever were. **(Oh that's some lovely imagery. I love that sentence. Dead sues…does well for my motivation. =3= ) **I gared at Atlas an P-Body hoo killed the one thing I loafed **(You're repeating what just happend, PLEASE MOVE FORWARD.) **an shouted "YOU BLOODY BUGGERS IM GONNA WANK YOU!" **(Ewww! Disgusting!) **But I didnt have arms so i cold not **(Just in case you forgot, readers.) **hurt them but I sooooooo mad they ranned off any way. Bloody sods. "Marrissa why didnt I was able to safe you! IM SOOOOO SORRY!"**(I'm so sorry I physically couldn't do anything!)** An I cried bloody bukets of robottears. **(Gonna say that's oil again.) **It was the end an I thot a bout commitin sewiside **(How? By rolling into an incinerator?) **like GLaDOS did when a turrent came up to me. **(Because we all know they can walk. I know the author specified there are turrets that can move now, but she should really have Wheatley specify here.) **

"GO HEAD AN BLOW ME SODDING BLOODY BRANES OUT SO I CAN BE AT PIECE!" **(*Facepalm*) **I yelled loud at the turrent. "No im diffrent! I am Oracle Turrent **(Oh come on! Is NOTHING sacred?!) **an I no how to make Marrissa alife!" **(Gee, you do? I didn't see that coming, the chapter of this title just threw me off so much.) **No bloody way I o-mouthed **(QWERTYUIOP) **in all the shock. "How can she life wen her hed sodding exploded?" **(Just go pick her up from hell.) **I britished **(…are…are you fucking serious?! Britished?! WHAT THE FUCK AUTHOR!? WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. WRONG. WITH. YOU!) **at him for tryin a get my hopes up. "Rember that she has the speshal powers, one of them is that wen she eats the zombee taters instead of become a zombee wen she dies she just becomes alife a gain!" **(I'd complain how ridiculous the plot convenience powers are as of now…. But I can't be bothered anymore.) **It all made sense, **(It does in the oocness of this fic anyway.) **the turrent was a bloody geinus! "Common lets wankin go!"

The Oracle Turrent ranned fast **(Because it can do that now.) **an I rolled on my rale right to the zombee taters **(Oh, so they have a predetermined location now? And here I thought Marissa just pulled them out of her ass.) **quikly we grabbed up all of them an got back to Marrissa body. I coldnt help but cry at the site of my troo love with head all open an messy. **(I'd be more disgusted really.) **"Its ok Wheatly soon she will life!" The turrent made me more happy an we started stuffin the buggerin taters in Marrissas mouth. **(NOM NOM NOM, OMF NOMPH. Seriously, wouldn't they have to mash them up just to fit them in her mouth?) **Then she started coffin an all the blood was got healed. **(That still makes no sense.) **"W Wheetly?" She asked in the most butiful voice in the hole portal worled.

"Oh Marrissa I thot you were bloody gone for wankin ever!" **(I did too…) **We hugged an kissed an things was gettin hot an heavy **(Because the first thing you do after you come back to life is bone your robot ball thing.) **so the Oracle Turrent left becos he didant want to see that kinna stuff. **(The Oracle turret knows when to get out of this shit fic, thank god.) **

MEANWHILE IN THE PAST **(I had hoped we were done with time travel…no such luck.) **

Teen Fortress 2 was MAD an PEEVED **(You can't refer to a group of people by two words.) **at Gabe Jonson an his dotter Marrissa Roberts for killin there leader Cave Jonson. **(…wait are these the clones? Why are they being referred to like they're the real ones?) **They wanted ervange speshally on Marrissa sinse with out her Gabe wold not have been a hard fight. "We shold right a mean things on her facebook page!" **(Oh yeah. I'm sure that'll work.) **The evil Heavy dummed.** (…wow…I honestly didn't think she could top "britished" but that came pretty damn close.) ** "No you idot this is the past facebook isnt invented yet!" **(How do you even KNOW about it, if it hasn't been invented yet?!) **The evil Medik extricated. **(Extricated means to free someone you dumbass. But will someone please extricate me from this fic?!) **All of em was angry but coldnt thing of a way to revenge Marrissa **(Kill GLaDOS/Caroline to make sure Marissa is never born?) **when the evil Ingineer got a idea. "I no! We will create an evil clone of Marrissa an send it to the futur an kill her!" **(Why not just go the future yourselves, instead of leaving it to a clone?) **It was a good plan. **(No it wasn't.) **

After school the teen fortress all gotted together at evil Ingineers hose an builded the clone mashine. **(Just put any word in front of "machine" and its legit.) **"But we dont have dna evidance?" Evil Sniper said in sexay british aksent. **(Australian. The Sniper is very clearly Australian.) **But the evil spy lolled an pulled out some thing. "I stolled some of her hare just in case we needed it for some thing." **(Well, I guess it would figure the spy would be the pervert.) **He frenched **(…nope. Still doesn't top "Britished" ) **an gave evil Ingine the hare an they started to clone Marrissa. **(Ugh…so ridiculous.)** A few mins later the clonin was done **(I'd laugh if the clone machine popped open with a dinging noise.) **an a gurl stepped out hoo looked kinna like Marrissa **(But not as sexy and pretty, right?) **but more evil an mean with angry face. **(Oh. Play with my expectations, eh author?) **

"I am Assiram Strebor **(!Bmud era seman mynorcakcab.) **an I will kill Marrissa Roberts!"

TO BE CONTINUED!

OH NO! **(Oh yes.) **CAN MARRISSA STOPS HER EVIL CLOWN? **(God no, not evil clowns…) **FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON ITS MY LIFE|! **(Next episode is next week at 7.) **

**(So yeah. Backcronym names of villains are so damn original. And these last two chapters are particularly crappy.) **


	14. Padding padding padding

**(This chapter serves only as build up for the next one and pointless exposition about Marissa's backronym evil twin. Nothing but FUNNNNN!)**

AN WHAT IS EVER ONE SAYIN A BOUT WANKER AN WANK? I THOT THEY WERE BRITISH INSULT WORDS **(It can be an insult, but using it as an adjective and a verb is NOT ALLOWED.) **AN NOW PEPOLE ARE SAYIN THERE NOTTY STUFF?** (This is why you need to RESEARCH.) ** OMG!

PS THIS CHAP IS IN TH EPAST SO ITS THIRD PERSONAL. **(Just because its set in the past doesn't mean it has to be in third person. This whole FIC could be in third person and it would feel less crap.) **

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER FORTEEN: **(I'm for teens. But not for adults.) **HOW CAROLINE BECAMED GLADOS: THE FIRST EVIL OF ASSIRRAM **(I will never be able to take that name seriously. Also, why does she feel the need to summarise the entire chapter so sloppily in these titles? It spoils the whole thing.) **

"I am Assirram Strebor **(It sounds even worse with the last name added.) **an I will kill Marrissa Roberts!" The evil clone said to Teen Fortress 2 who happied. **(Still not a real word.) **"Wate! How can we be shure that shes evil enouf to really kill her?" The evil Solder questoned. "We will do a test to make sure shes reel evil." **(So Assram took the evil exam. Which exists now.) **The evil Ingineer **(Still no Outgineer.) **answered becos he was the boss of there plan. **(Which was decided…when?) **"Assirram you must do an evil thing to proove yur abilities." **(No specification of course.) **He ordered an Assirram nodded with a "im gonna kill some body" look **(Could've used a LOT more creative expressions there, like a murderous grin or a deathly grin.) **on her feces.** (Author. For the last fucking time. Keep your toilet fetishes out of this fic. That is an order from the entire world.)** "Okay f****** b**** ill g******** kill some b******!" Assirram said (she seys a lot of cusses becos shes really evil) **(Comedians use swear words and they aren't evil, this point is invalid -.- )**an did a evil LOL. **(Ugh…internet scum.) **

Assirram gotted out of the evil Ingineers hose **(…hose…I…my mind is blown e.e) **an started lookin for a victum when she seed Gabe Jonsons house. **(Oh, apparently he's still in this fic.) **"I herd he changed his name to CAVE JONSON affer are leader his ded brother **(That STILL doesn't make sense. In fact, how does Assram even KNOW?! She was just born! Or does she share Marissa's memories?!) **so Ill do evil to hiim!" She thot with evil thots. **(Redundancy as usual.) **Insid Gabe Jonson an his frend Ratman **(Hastily slap him in for that last chapter.) **was buildin a robot body for Caroline an it was almost done. **(No explanation as to how it's built. Who has time for that anyway?) **"Compleet! Now we jus have to turn in on." Ratman siensed **(…sienced…are…you…high?!) **so CAVE flipped das switch an the robot mashine started movin an look round. "Gabe is that you?" Caroline asked? **(…I don't know if she asked, author. That's for you to tell us :/) **"Yes Carlion **(Car lion… strangely me gusta.) **I have builted a rbot body for you it is called GLaDOS **(Hope you don't mind living forever now :D) **also I changed my name to CAVE in onor of my head brother." **(STILL. MAKES. NO. SENSE.) **Ratman started to leaf becos this was a privat family moment. **(And best friends are not allowed in family situations of course. At least he'll be safe for now :C) **As we walked to the door he seed a girl outsid that was hot an pretty **(EVEN HER EVIL TWIN SUE MUST ASSERT HER DOMINANCE, GRAAAAAAHHH) **but kinna mean lookin. **(Only kinda? Shouldn't be too bad then.) **

"Ah this must be Caves future dotter Marrissa Roberts!" Ratman said out lowd **(Because he'd been told everything and was completely not surprised to see her.) **an let her in but it wasnt Marrissa it was... ASSIRRAM! **(Yeah, we kinda figured that out author. No need for a random reveal there.) **Assirram walked thru the halls an got to the GLaDOS robot **(And no-one questions why she's returned or how she is etc) **an Cabe Jonson hoo were makin out. **(Eugh! Is he just kissing a screen?!) **"I hope Im not interruptin any thing lol" Assirram lolled **( *sigh* You know, if you're gonna use "lolled" anyway, don't put "lol" in the sentence. It just adds to the ridiculous redundancy!) **so Gave an Caroloin an Cave stopped kissin an looked an saw Assirram. "Marrissa are dotter **(She's dotty alright...) **you returned for a visit!" They both exclamation with happy. **(You came to the past and potentially endangered the future of our world and maybe even cause a paradox just to see us. Good girl!)** "Yep an I see you made Caroline a new robot bod." Assirram smied becos her plan was workin an they didant notice that she wasnt Marrissa. **(To be fair, she acts just as blandly.) **"Ill leaf you to alone for some mother dotter bondin time ok?" **(Why is everyone so intent to just leave other people to do stuff? Seems weird to me.) **An Gabe went to go talk to Ratman. **(And hopefully concoct a plan to escape this shitfic.) **

Caroline was soooo happy that Marrissa was back she thot when Assirram started smilin all evil like a bad clown or the Joker **(NO. NO author, NO. You do NOT compare your backronym generic clone villain to the clown prince of crime. NO.) **an then... SHE PUT A COMPUTER VIRUS IN CARALINE! **(And Caroline didn't even try to stop her? Doesn't she have virus protection software? Why does Assram just suddenly have a VIRUS handy?!) **"No!" GLaDOS **(Keep the name of one person consistent, godammit.) **screemed as the virus started to turns her evil. **(I can only imagine the virus is called " " ) **"Why wold you do this Marrissa?/!" Gabe Jonson yelled from the windo. **(So...wait, he was watching them?) **She lolled meanly **(Starting to get sick of "meanly" already.) **an said "I am not Marrissa I AM ASSRAM!" An then Caraline turned full evil into GLaDOS. "NOW I AM EVIL AN I WILL KILL YOU WITH THE NEROTOKSIN!" **(Because i'm sure Gabe felt it necersary to include neurotoxin control on this robot. Which requires neurotoxin emitters to be installed in the building. Kinda asking for trouble there Gabe.) **Befour the cold do any thing Assirram went gone back to the evil Ingineers house. **(Because its so close she can just step outside and appear there, of course.) **Gabe screemed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" **(That's borderline Vader there.) **An he screemed it really lowd. **(Redundant because of capitalisation and the excalamtory.) **

The evil Teen Fortes 2 was watchin the hole thing on there tv camra (but it was black an wite **(Uh, why? Pretty sure colour TV exists in...whatever time this is. Guess they must run a cheap outfit.) **becos its the past so they coldnt see the nerotoksin becos it was green an not black or white so it didant show up). **(Wait...so the author assumes black and white TV only allows you to film black and white things? That's...fucking...NUTS!) **Assirram came in from the door an all were cheerin at her. "You are reelly evil Assirram **(Yes, she truly is blandly and cliche'd evil.) **the plan will work!" The evil Ingineer congradulationed. **(Okay, congradulationed is not fucking acceptable.) **"Indeed im so evil that Im gonna betray you!" An she pulled out a mashine gun an started to shoot up the evil Teen Fortress 2 **(Because its not like any of them would've thought ahead about something like this, or shoot back with their own weapons.) **becos she was just THAT MEEN! **(Give it up author. Your cramming it down our throats isn't going to make us accept it.) **

Then Assirram seed the nettle that gived you powers lick Marrisssas **(Because of course the Inginiir just kept that lying around where anyone could take it.) **so she injekted it into arm an alls went glowy an electric. "Now I have POWERS **(NOW I HAVE THE POWER TO BE HAMMY!) **so I can kill Marrissa an her dumb robot ball boyfrend **(Um...why? Do you have any real motivation?)**to an maybe take over the hole world!" **(To quote M. Bison, OF COURSE!) **She lolled with the most evil ever. **(Not even close.) **But then she realized... how wold she get to the future with the evil Teen Fortress 2 died? **(Gee, I fuckin' wonder.) **

"Ill just make the good Teen Fortress force me to make a time mashine **(Wait...did she just say she's going to make them force her to build one? That makes no fucking sense...then again, does anything in this fic make sense?) **an maybe kill them after words." **(After some stern words with them of course.) **She thot smartly but it was a evil smartly **(Was there really a need to specify that author?) **like a mad sientist. Assirram used the fly power to fly to school were Gave Jonson an Ratman were givin Teen Tortes 2 the down lo. **(Wow, could this be an actual intelligent move on their part? Also, how did they survive the neurotoxin?) **"An then the evil clone putted a comuter virus in GLaDOS an she turnsed evil!" **(And we made no attempt to clear her software or eradicate the virus.) **Gabe was cryin wile Ratman gaved him tishyous. **(Rattman's a bro...that's kinda nice.) **Assirram flewed out to them at Portal High School an used her powers to makea glowy gun like in Green Latern **(Because she can do that now too.) **(that movie was dum but he had cool powers I think Marrissa will have them to). **(SHE-SHE-SHE JUST ADMITTED THAT SHE JUST ADDS THESE POWERS WHEN SHE FEELS LIKE IT! SHAMELESS!) **"Built me a time mashine or Ill kill you all!" Assirram ponted the gun at Cave Jonsons head an coked the trigger. **(Pouring Cola over a gun is never advised.) **"OK OK WELL DO IT DONT SHOT!" The Ingineer screemed an they worked fast to build the time mashine. **(Because they all have no way to defend themselves from Assram, of course.) **

Assirram got itn an prepared to go to the future. "Marrissa will stop you you cant win!" **(CLICHE! IT BUUUURNS!) **Cave Jonson said but Assirram just lolled **(I prefer lolling to o-mouthing...) **an turned on the time mashine an flash bang boom **(As opposed to Crash Boom Bang?) **she was gone to the future. "Marrissa has to powerful enouf to stop her shes the worlds only hope!" **(Goood the cliche just flies off the wall in this fic.) **Ratman said with brave an they all nodded. **(...so, they didn't even try to go into the future and stop her? Or get a message to Marissa?) **

TO BE CONTINUED!

I GOT A REVIEW SAYIN I WAS JUMPIN THE SHARK **(Oh you did that looooong ago.) **(ITS A TV WORD) **(You mean a TV trope?) **AN I AM KINNA RUNNIN OUT OF IDEAS **(Thank god for that.) **SO I THINK ONSE MARRISSA FIGHTS ASSIRRAM ILL END THE STORY **(God truly does exist. He had granted mercy to me.) **BUT IT WILL BE THE MOST EPIC AN ENTENSE END YET **)lolnope.) **SO MAYBE THE LAST ONE WILL BE CHAPTER 20? **(Spoiler alert: It won't.) **FIND OUT!

**(Well this one really does just seem rather pointless. For something as major as GLaDOS becoming corrupted and Assram going to the future to kill her clone would be handled with a little more care and suspense. But, I guess the author has her head so far up her own ass that she can't understand that. At least this fic is almost done...) **


	15. I raged

**(Here it is people. We're on the home stretch. Lets kick this final bit of pointless buildup in the arse and finish this penultimate chapter. And yes, the title for this one IS a bit blatant. But you know, considering what it is that actually made me rage, you'll forgive me. Wait and see.) **

AN YOU GUYS ARE SOOOOO MEAN **(Well we wouldn't be if you were somewhat compotent in wrtiting.) **IM GETTIN ALMOST ALL FLAMEZ **(And you deserve every one.) **IF NOT FOR BUSINESS GUY WITH HIS FAN ART **(This crap has FAN ART?!) **AN SEFERAL AN CAT WORLD WITH HER AWDIO BOOK READINS **(This crap has AUDIO BOOKS?!) **SO BLIND PEPOLE CAN HEAR THE STORY **(Yes, because i'm sure blind people would love to be tortured by this shit.) **AN ALL THE OTHER GOOD REVIEWS I WOLD GIVE UP! **(Please excuse me, I have some people to eviscerate in increasingly horrific manners.) **

MAYBE MY STORY IS JUMPE THE SHARK SO ILL END IT SOON. **(HALLELUJAH!) **

PS THIS CHAPTRE TAKES PLACE AT THE SAME TIM AS CHAPTER 14 **(Which was in the past...so, that makes no sense.) **

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER FIVETEEN: THE JUDGEMENT OF ATLAS AN P-BODY **(You can tell this chapter's going to have a lot of point, can't you?) **

I was a life a gain **(God, how dumb can you be to not understand that alive and again are one word?!) **an was soooo happy becos Wheatly saved me. **(Yeah, we gathered.) **He was the best boyfrend a girl cold ever have in the hole world. **(Yes, because small ball robots with no limbs or practical use who have happily looked at other girls and drunk beer and taken drugs are CLEARLY the best boyfriends, am I right ladies?) **"Oh Wheatly I love you sooooo much." I telled him an Wheatly blushed an was kind a nervos. **(Insert redundant sappyness here.) **"Aww it was no thing Marrissa Im just bloody glad yur ok." **(I think that might be the one time she's used british terminology correctly.) **I hugged my robot ball an we were both the happiest ever. **(SUE MUST REMAIN DOMINANT OVER ALL OTHERS) **"Marrissa theres some thing I need to ask you..." Wheatly said blushin. "'Will you merry me?" **(...no comment.) **I o-mouthed **(FUCK!) **an yelled "OMG OF CORSE WHEATLY!" An then I kissed him harder than I ever did **(And accidentally punched a hole in him.) **befour an it made him go sparks.

After we were done kissin I rembered why all this happened... **(Horniness fades, memories of assholes return.) **ATLAS AN P-BODY SHOTTED ME! **(Oh and you destroyed them quite a few times before that, i'd say you're about even by now.) **They needed to be brot to judgement **(Klansman Marissa shall bring them to justice!) **so I scowled an punched hands to gether. **(For no reason at all.) **"Marrissa whats wrong oh yeah **(USE A GODDAMN COMMA) **we need to bloody get back at those buggers Altas an P-Body!" **(Come on, those two are pretty much harmless considering Marissa's powers. Leave em be.) **I nodded an we got up to look for them. My powers were glowin like crazy round me with sparks and lighting, **(Oh crap, she's going super saiyan!) **Wheatly was on his rale makin growls **(Really? Why does the author think Wheatley growling is scary?) **an sayin stuff to encorage me like "You can bloody do it Marrissa. Wank (TURNS OT IT REALLY IS A BRITSULT) **(Not just the word "wank" you fucking idiot.) **them good!" We followed a trale of drugs beer an playboy mags to there layer. **(Because that was convieniently left there for them.) **Some turrents that they got workin for them **(How, exactly?) **tried to shoot me up but I wasnt gonna fall for that a gain an had my shields at full power so the bullets bownced off me an hit them an they died. **(Then this entire section was pointless... good job.) **

Just lick I ekspected those two JERK ROBOTS **(I feel the need to RAM IT DOWN YOUR THROAT WITH BLOCK CAPITALS because i've not made it clear they're jerks yet.) **were smokin drugs an drinkin beer (P-Body had a abortion becos shes a jerk an isnt pro-life the b****). **(WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA! NO! STOP RIGHT FUCKING THERE AUTHOR! You just flung that argument about abortion into this fic with NO justification whatsoever, AND delivering a biased opinion. Its a woman's choice whether to get rid of her child or not, and it might not just be because she's not "pro life" there are always other factors, costs, support, health and even the situation unto which the baby began can affect a person's decision. So don't you DARE treat such a serious argument with such callous negligence or I will personally smack you over the head with a frying pan. I can't believe something this serious had to appear in a situation like this... its disgusting. I also apologise for going off on a rant here... but geezus that infuriated me.) **"Well well weel if it isnt the biggest jerks ever." I said an Atlas an P-Body looked at me an o-mouthed **(NOPE, STILL NOT OVER THAT.) **an got OH F*** looks on there feces. **(Author, keep this fic out of the toilet, please!) **"How are you alife we shot in the head an blood an branes were ever where!" Atlas shocked an I lolled. **(Nothing can kill me, I'M A SUE!) **"You jerks forgot the greatest power off all: TRUE LOVE!" **(*Facepalm* Since when did Marissa turn into a spokesperson for Disney?) **An I fired a beem that made them start to glow an smoke (but not drug smoke sinse this hurt them). "You b**** what are you doin to us?" P-Body asked scarred **(I'd be scarred too if Marissa were around...) **but I didant listen and kept powerin up until BOOM BOOM BOOM **(Don't get dat) **they exploded.

"Thats end of Atlas an P-Body I said" **(No...no it's not. They'll be back before you know it. Also, adding said into the speech makes Marissa seem like she's talked in the third person.) **Wheatly cheered an said "Good bloody riddanse!" to. I herd a clickclak noise an it was... THE ORACLE TURRENT! **(Because he can walk now... just cuz.) **"Did some body need to get merried?" He asked lolling an me an Wheatly nodded with heads. **(As opposed to what?) **"Wheatly do you take Marrissa Roberts to be yur lawful merried wife?" **(Yeah, there needs to be some set up for a wedding, guys. Can't just happen on the spot. And since when is the oracle turret certified to marry people?) **"I bloody do!" "Marrisser do you take Wheatly to be yur lawful merried hubby?"** (No priest in their right mind would say "hubby" )** "I do so much I ove you Wheatly!" "Then by the powar bested in me I pronouns you man an wife!" **(Or rather, robot and sue.) **Wheatly an I kissed an the Orca Turrent shot confedi at us. **(Because it can do that now.) **Then we runned to one of the dorm places wich had a big bed with rose pedals on it. **(How did it get all this set up beforehand? Also, I find it funny the wedding was glossed over for the "deaths" of Atlas and P-body. )**

"Now its time for are honeyman!" **(Honey Man: The rejected robot master.) **Wheatly happied an... (NO IM NOT WRITIN THAT YOU PERVS USE YUR IMAGINE) **(Oh fuck off author, stop assuming we all want to masturbate over the idea of robots plowing sues.) **

We didant notice at the time but a portal happened in the place where GLaDOS used to be **(Were you even IN there when the portal opened? I think you can be excused.) **befour I killed her in the final battle. A gurl stepped out hoo was lick me but less hot an pretty an more evil. **(SUE MUST FOREVER BE DOMINANT, ASSIMALATE.) **"Now I can kill Marrissa Roberts an take over the world!" Assirram lolled evily! **(Cliche as fuuuuuuck.) **

TO BE CONTINUED!

OK GUYS I THINK THE NEXT CHAPPER MIGHT BE THE LAST ONE **(Thank the gods!) **OR MAYBE THERELL BE AN EPILOG TO FIND OUT NEXT TIME! **(Oh there will be, but it'll be pointless.)**

**(Whew...the ordeal is almost over folks. But we have one last monstrous challenge to overcome...the last chapter, the cornucopia of this shitfic. Join me next time and help me put this fic to bed, FOR GOOD!) **


	16. The clusterfuck finale

**(This is it. The end of this crap. In this chapter, i'm going to bring out my "unoriginal final villain epic enocunter" checklist since it's only necersary. Lets not waste any time, or words. BRING IT ON!) **

AN: Allrite guys here is is! The final chapter **(It's about time.) **with most entense action an epic stuff in the hole story **(That should go without saying about most final chapters. We're not stupid.) **which will make all the flamerz an trolls sad that they killed SUCH A GOD STORY! **(Oh, no-one will be sad to see this story curl up and die. NO-ONE.) **

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER 16: SHOWDOWN THRODOWN **(Cliche'd cliches.) **

After lick 12 weeks Wheatly an I finished are honeymoom an left the relax place **(...so...they spent 12 weeks in one room having sex? ...ew.) **but as I opened door turrents was outside **(How long do you think they were waiting for?) **an shootin at us! "Bloody hell those sods are wankin us!" **(You're STILL using that wrong.) **I ran fast lick the scot in Meet the Scot **(Because deflecting them with shields like you did one chapter ago isn't as useful.) **so the bullets coldnt hit me an Wheatly was robot so they didant hurt him. **(I dunno, I think bullets would still hurt him.) **Once I was ot of there range I used my powers to make a gun like in Green Lanturn **(Well at least that's somewhat consistent...) **an shooted them all over. The turrents screemed lick a screemin thing that screems **(A redundant thing that is redundantly redundant.) **an they died. "What bloody bugger sended turrents to soddin kill us now? I thot we killed alls the bad guys Marrissa!1" Wheatly questioned. I thot hard with my detective powers but it was to tuff. **(Ok so, this "detective power" was built up as meaning she can uncover anything, but now something has stumped it? How's THAT for consistency!) **"We must serch for cloos." I decided an we followed the turrents trale. **(Trail? What trail? They were just STANDING THERE, what possible trail could they leave?) **

We didnt see no thing for a while **(Nothing is one word you twit.) **but then I herd a nose! **(Must be a loud nose. Maybe it has a cold?) **Wheatly an I creeped up slowly to the mane room **(Where a lion's mane is groomed.) **where GLaDOS was befour **(That mispelling is becoming far too commonplace.) **she died for real an I saw... ASSIRRAM! (Ekspet I didant no she was Assirram yet **(No shit sherlock.) **becos we hadnt met befour). **(See, it's there again! I'm getting worried.) **"Oh my god save the queen Marrissa she looks lick you but less hot an pretty **(One last time, with feeling. SUE DOMINANCE.) **an more evil!" This was bad news an she was makin more turrents **(...uh, how? Does she just magic them up, or use the facility, or what?) **an even worse she had the prototip portal gun! **(Uh, how? Must've pulled it out her ass.) **

"Hahahaha! Now with the prototip portal gun I can make a portal to Andord Hell **(And here I thought the writer had forgotten about that...) **an let all the zomboys insid from when Atlas an P-Body throwed taters in there come out!" **(Because Assface of course knows all about what happened last time.) **Assirram goated an shoot portal onto the wall. A bunch of zombies lick from Reisdent Evil **(The author's so unoriginal, she demands we use a popular franchise's zombies as an example.) **an zombee robots came out lookin for me to kill becos we had un finished buziness. **(...what? What do zombie robots have against Marissa?) **Assirram had to be stoped befour **(Way too much of that now...) **she cold make more bad guys or she wold take over the hole world! **(And here we go with the checklist. Lame attempt to raise the stakes? Check!) **

Wheatly got really scarred **(He's in THIS fic, so it's no wonder.) **an said "Marrissa this is serios! That bloody wanker is makin a monster army **(Because zombie robots instantly follow Assface, becqause she's sooooo eviiiiil.) **an if you dont stop her quick shell bloody kills us all!" Thins was lookin bad **(No shit sherlock.) **there was no way I cold fite all those guyz an some gurls to. **(Who cares what gender the monsters are, why bother specifying their gender?!) **Then a big TV happened **(Which just happened to be plugged in nearby and convieniently turned onto the right channel.) **an it showed Assirram's turrent an zombee armee killin all the city of Englond! **(...why? Why England? How did they get there so quickly? Aperture's in England now?! SOMEONE ANSWER MEEEE!) **"Bloody no! There killin the queen!" Wheatly britished **(*facepalm*) **but it was too lowd an Assirram herd him! "Ah so you have finally arrived my good twine." **(So, is Assface made of string then?) **Assirram lolled with evil.

"Hoo are you **(And then Marissa was an owl.) **an why do you look lick me but less hot an pretty **(I am getting REALLY sick of that phrase now.) **an more evil?" I yelled with angry. **(AND THAT ONE!) **"I am an evil clone made to kill you Marrissa Roberts an take over the werld!" **(Was taking over the world ever programmed into her?) **I o-mouthed **(Yep...last chapter, worth it for one more time. ASDFGHJKL!) **becos it all made sense. "An sinse you was too bissy DOIN SEX **(You don't DO sex, you HAVE it. Unless it's a person named Sex, then things get interesting.) **with yur dum robot ball hubby **(I second that.) **I builted a supreem armee **(Super villain has an army, check! Makes you wonder why she didn't just jump in and kill her while she was humping him though.) **an now not even you can stop me from destorying ever thing!" **(Cliche'd villain boast, check!) **Assirram let out the most evil LOL I ever herd. **(Evil laugh, check!) **"Oh way well well just see a bout that!" An I used my powers to make a sheeld an a cannon like on a pirate ship but smaller so I cold use it lick a gun. **(A handheld pirate ship mounted cannon...that's too cool to be n this fic.) **BOOM BOOM BOOM **(Never get dat.) **BAM the cannon said as I fired it an dust wents every where. But wen the dust cleared... ASSIRRAM AN THE ARMEE WAS STILL THERE WITH A SHEELDS!" **(Wow, and I really thought she'd kill her...way to play with my expectatioooons...)**

I wold have to play it old school **(Old school being?) **to stop them so I ran fast an did a spinnin jump kick which nocked some zombees heads off. **(Oh, ok. So they have a shield to protect from her powers and her guns, but she can apparently punch through the shield. Guess Assface got it on loan from the Gungans.) **More zombees got up an put turrents on there heads **(Give it time and Valve will make a hat out of it.) **to shoot an run at both an charged me **(Didn't GLaDOS invent walking turrets anyway?) **so I jumped in the are an used my powers to make a anvil **(Either more green lantern shit, or she just pulled it out of her ass. Neither of which surprise me.) **the zombees got "OH SH**!" looks on there feces **(Figures your shit fetish would make it through in this last chapter too.) **an the anvil droped down and made them go skwish. "Verry god Marrissa **(Yup, she may as well be God considering her powers and importance.) **but will you fight so well when I kill... yur hubsand!" Befour I cold even o-mouth **(Which implies she did something faster than Marissa could move her face. That's nuts.) **Assirram went charge at Wheatly with all the hate in her eyes **(ALL THE HATE!) **an a big punch reddy to brake him into teeny weeny pieces. **(Because Assface will punch him to death. A robot. Punched to death.) **

But... WHEATLY USED HIS FLASHLITE AND BLINDED ASSIRRAM! **(Ok, i'll give Wheatley props for actually doing something, but his flashlight would never be able to blind her, it's not nearly that strong.) **"Little Wheatly is a powerful bad arse now becos I have THE POWAR OF LOVE!" **(This moment brought to you by Disney.) **An he jumped off the rale an landed on Assirrams head an gave her a huge booboo. **(You REALLY destroy your integrity when you use language like that while trying to convey adult themes.) **"GRRRRRR YULL PAY FOR THAT YOU B****!" Assirram meaned but some one got behind her with super speed an hit her in face with a crowbar! **(Oh god no...) **The guy lolled an I an Assirram both o-mouthed. "I am GORDON FREEMAN!" **(NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! I DO NOT ACCEPT THIS! NO!) **He said an hit Assirram a gain but this time she had a sheild. "Gordon what are you doin here?" I asked with shock an aww. **(WHY DOES MARISSA EVEN KNOW ABOUT HIM, AAARRGGHHH!)**

"I was fightin the bad guys from half life (sorry I never played Halflife so I dont no much a bout it) **(Then fucking RESEARCH IT before you throw it in your crappy fanfic!) **when a boom happened **(That's some serious Full life consequences language there.) **so I investigated an saw all these bad guys an I looked like you needed some help lol." **(It's bad enough Gordon's in this...it's even worse that he talks...but why did she have to make him spout such cliche'd and stupid dialogue?) **Gordon punched thru some zombees while I riped the turrents off there heads. **(Ripped? That implies they were secured on, when you clearly stated they were just balancing them on.) **Wheatly growled a bunch to make us more mad an meen. **(And Wheatley's gone back to cheerleading bitch. Good.) **We had killed like three hundurd (movie refrence lol) **(And all her crappy cliche's are coming back in this last chapter, including her stupid references.) **of the bad guys but the portal was still open an more was commin out.

Two zombees shot gunz at me but I grabbed bullets **(How? New powers, of course.) **an throwed them back to headshot those! **(Wow, what an accomplishment...) **Next the big zombee with rocket launchers from Reisdent Evil **(Originality is dead in this fic.) **came out an it was the boss fight! **(You don't call it boss fighrs if you're writing in the world of your fic...unless its Scott Pilgrim.) **"Now you will dye **(Redheads! I shall make you redheads!) **for sure Marrissa an Gordon Freeman an Wheatly no one can stop the biggest zomboy ever!" **(Give her three minutes and she'll polish it off easy.( **Assirram crackled. **(BZZZZZZT.) **Ultimate Zombee used his portal gun **(Which he no doubt pulled out of his ass.) **to open ano portal to Androod Hell an Gordon Fellman in! The other zombees down there tore him into to halfs an he died. **(Oh you...its bad enough you use him in this fic, worse that you make him talk, but to kill him off so fucking easily, as another cliche for your fucking ultimate battle?! Come the fuck on!) **"No! Gorden!" His wife Alex What Ever **(Wife? Research? WUZ DAT, DERP DE DOO.) **cried. She coldnt live with out her solmate so she did sewised with her sord lick the Japanese. **(...ok, why did you make Alyx japanese? And why did you just randomly throw her comitting suicide in? Are you just trying to offend everyone?!)**

"Bloody hell they wont stop comin!" Wheatly yelled as more zombees entere the place. **(Even the author doesn't give a fuck about where they are.) **The boss zombee taked out his rocket launcher an shotted at me it was sooooooo strong that it brake my sheild **(For some reason. Consistency, WUZ DAAAYT.) **an blew me up but the sheed took most off the blast so I was only hurt a little. **(God forbid the Sue come out of this smelling of anything other than roses...) **He tried shoot another bom **(Eww, he's shooting butts? No? Well according to the author he is.) **but I was reddy this time an started runnin really fast until I WAS BEHIND HIM! **(And the dumbass zombie didn't bother to turn around.) **Then I climed up is back an made a nife **(I'm gonna assume more Green Lantern shit.) **an braned him. The ultimate zombee died an Assirram o-mouthed **(FUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOU AUUUUUTHOOOOOR!) **witha "OMFG" look on her dum feces. **(STOP...you know, i'm done trying. Splatter your shit fetish all over us, you waste of skin.) **"No one never killed him befour **(Except everyone who played Resident evil.) **you are a worthy opponete." **(No, you're just a bad villain.) **

This was it, are final showdown. **(It took too long to get here.) **All the zombees an turrents stoped fightin to watch the big battle. **(Because they dare not help any further.) **Assirram stepped towars me with a portal gun so made one withh my powers. **(Oh god...) **This woldnt be a nomral battle it wold be... a portal battle! **(A concept that will be screwed over here...)**Assirram made the first portal it was the land of dinosaurs **(Ok, so this isn't a portal battle, just a time travel battle...good. So many other shitty fics do this it's no longer any fun...) **so we fot over a big volcano but a trex eated Assirram **(She's not dead.) **so I was happy but Assirram explodd out of the trexs tummy **(I'm surprised the T-rex swallowed her whole instead of tearing her up with it's teeth.) **gettin blood an branes every where. **(Brains? Did the T-rex eat another dino brain then? Odd...) **Then she roundhose kicked me lick Chuck Norris **(Figures there'd be a reference to him here...) **but I made a new portal and we fell into space. **(I'm not too mad about their physics in space, seeing as Portal 2 certainly didn't mind that either.) **We was on the Death Star an Dark Vader was there. **(...and now I DO care -.-) **"OMG!" Dark Vader OMGed **(Wow, even the author's own stupid internet lingo are getting redundant.) **so I punched his face off an turned out he was really... ASSIRRAM! **(What?! That makes no sense...well it's this fic, so lets just move past it.) **"Did you really thot Id fall for that trick?" I said lolling.

Then both made another portal an this one taked us to Portal High School **(Guess the author ran out of ideas already.) **where Gabe/Cave Jonson Rat Man **(Another Megaman reject.) **an Teen Fortress 2 had lots of weapons an cannons **(So that confirms all my earlier assumptions about the Teen Fortress 2 being able to fight. Thanks for making your own plot holes worse, author.) **an Rat Man still had the space core an rick core for balls so he coldint be crotch-punched. **(Why did you feel the need to bring that up? Why not just have him with the laser?) **"Dont worry Marrissa were heer for backup!" They all said really lowd. "No guys this is my fight go thru that portal an kill all the zombees an turrents instead!" **(Yes, god forbid the Sue has any form of help, except for fucking Wheatley.) **So they did. The battle was epic butt **(This fic is an epic butt.) **I was to bissy fighting Assirram to watch an see. **(Good. Swap out the potentially cool mercenaries vs robot zombies battle for a few more lines of Marissa vs Assface. Good.) **Assirram looked realy mad an assirammed **(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NOT FUNNY.) **me in stomach where my robot ball/humon baby was! **(Well, I guess Assface isn't "pro life" either. Yes, i'm still mad about that.) **

"NOOOOOOOOO!" I screemed with mad at the abortion of my babby. **(Well this certainly isn't a fake out, is it?) **"This is the final straw Assirram no more fighting only KILL!" **(Weren't you trying to do that anyway?) **My hole body glowed brite gold an there was a huge boom an Assirram becomed a skelton. **(...what.) **Then the skelton died. **(WHAT?! So, you're telling me, this whole time, Marissa could have KILLED Assface THAT easily?! WELL DONE AUTHOR, YOU ANTICLIMAXED YOUR OWN PATHETIC VILLAIN.) **I was soo tired from the fight an power up that I felled down an past ot. **(And hopefully never wakes up.) **

Wen I waked up **(Sunuva...) **I was in the Mediks doktor room **(What's wrong with just saying medical lab? Why do you have to be so unspecific?) **with lots of toobs an IVs an stuff in me. **(Why? Aside from the punch in the gut, Marissa wasn't even SLIGHTLY injured!) **"Oh Marrissa thank bloody god save the queen yur allrite!" Wheatly cried an hugged me which was hard for him to do becos he was a robot ball an didant have arms. **(We kind of gathered that author, we're not idiots.) **"Also theres something wankin important you need to no!" I smied sadly an sad "I no Wheatly, Assirram aborted are baby with punch." **(And she's smiling about that? I'd be mortified personally...but oh well, she probably doesn't care anyway considering all the stuff she did while it was inside.) **An I cried some more. "No lol shes alife!" **(Ok, why would anyone say lol in such a serious sentence? That's sick.) **An the Medik came in with a little robot ball/human baby gurl **(...eugh...EEEUURRRGH!) **smilin he said "It was a MIRAKLE!" **(KILL IT WITH FIRE!) **

The Medik gaved me my baby an I looked into her feces **(Disgusting...I have nothing left to say about the author's running poop fetish.) **an felt happiest ever. "What shold me name her?" Wheatly asked. "Her named will be Chell in onor of my dead sister!" **(No no, you should name her after Assface. Makes as much sense as renaming yourself after your evil brother.) ** I said an every one thot it was a good idea. **(Because by this point, everyone had pretty much been assimalated.) **A few moths later I was all heeled up **(A few months to heal up from a pregnancy that had no effect on her, and a battle she didn't even get scratched in? Fucking hell that' stupid.) **an ready for me Wheatly an Chell to go back home to Portal Labs. **(Where a time paradox promptly ate them for screwing with time and creating so many continuity holes.) **

Befour we did the President was there an congradulated me for savin the world **( *facepalm* Of fucking course, the true peak of the Sue's achievements.) **an gave me, Wheatly, Gabe Jonson, Rat Man an all of Teen Fortress 2 metals. **(They all promptly crafted them into hats.) **He also taked Atlass dead robot body an put Wheatly in it **(Because the President knows how to do that now. Who is the president anyway, John Henry Eden?) **so he cold walk an change Chells dippers. **(Nice to see Wheatley gets all of the work to do for his new robot body.) **"Goodbye my Dotter an Grandotter an son in law Wheatly." Cave Jonson said an hugged me. **(My god this is corny...) **"Marrissa if yur mom cold see you now an wasnt a evil robot computer she wold be sooooo proud." **(She'd be so happy her little sue spawn had taken over everything.) **I smiled with tears in eyes an me an Wheatly an baby Chell went thru the portal back to Portal Labs for the last time. It was crazy, but ITS MY LIFE! **(Oh so THAT's why its called that... still makes no fuckmothering sense.) **

EPILOG

Meenwhile in space a black hole opened an shooted GLaDOSs peaces out. **(That makes no sense. I'm not exactly Steven Hawking, but I know that everything that enters a black hole gets compacted and crushed, and is never seen again.) **"Haha I am still alife now I can get my true revenge on Marrissa Roberts!" **(Ugh... yeah i'm so sure.) **Then the zombies from Dead Space was there **(Couldn't even look up the name "Necromorphs" huh?) **an GLaDOS got a "OH F***!" look on her feces **(Had to leave us with one last image of shit, huh? Fuck you author.) **an the zombees ate her an she died. **(Making this entire bit, pointless.) **

THE END

**(THANK FUCKING GOD! We did it folks, we made it all the way through this shitstorm of a fanfic. So, what are my final thoughts on it? It goes without saying, it's AWFUL. Spelling is atrocious, story is confused and random, it borrows too many elements from other games instead of just sticking to the one franchise, the characters are horrible, there are some terrible moral issues in it, and it's just a downright pain to sit through. Also, this fic is a confirmed trollfic, hence just why its so bad. But, we got through it... but, there is an even bigger terror looming over the horizon...the sequel. Am I going to do it? Yes. I think i'll take a break for a while though, so keep watching me til then. **

**So, thank you all for reading, I hope I entertained you all, and I hope to see you soon!) **


	17. Marrisa games: Character Bastardization

**(Greetings, beautiful people. Yep, i'm back again and ready to read some more crap by everyone's favourite troll, Marissa the writer. I've not read this thing in its entirety yet, but I can safely assume it will be the biggest crap i've read since... the LAST biggest crap this "writer" produced. Lets dive in.) **

UPDAT: I missed a few caritures so heers the more compleet list! **(Really the best thing to do is check it to make sure you get everyone BEFORE you release it.) **

Athors Note: **(Who the hell is Athor? Sounds medieval...) **Kay gusys, those JERK FMAERZ **(And here we go, this is the Marissa I remember.) **went to far this tim. They ceroopted teh Admins **(They corrupted them by making legitimate complaints about your terrible writing? What assholes.) ** AN MADE THEM DELEETED ITS MY LIFE AN INVARER ZIM BORM AGAIN CHRISTAN. **(And so breathed a collective sigh of relief.) **So Im down with **(Fanfriction... hah, sounds like a bad porno title.) **fourever now. I finded ot that it wasant reglar flame trollz **(There are different kinds of flamer trolls? Blue flame, red flame, white flame?) **but a spesal groop called "CRITIKS UNITIED". **(You've got to be fucking kidding me...) **Well theyve bited of more than they can chew! **(Considering how often you use the word "feces" in your writing, i'd steer clear of any food you're serving.) **My reel fans r revolting **(Yes they are.) **an in the meen time on this noo plase **(Why do I get a dreadful feeling that "noo" instead of "new" will become commonplace this time around?) **Ill putted my noo **(*gulp*) **story THE MARRISSA GAMES.

Its teh officeial seekwill to ITS MY LIFE! **(So there were unofficial sequels? Who'd honestly want to continue writing this rubbish?) **Get reddy **(I'd rather get yellowy.) **for INTENSE DRAMAKSHUN, **(Dramaction... ok, that's not even remotely clever.) **SHOKIN REEVELS, **(That will not be shocking in the slightest.) **HOT ROMANSE, **(Fuck me that brings up so many disgusting images of robot/human porn...) **AN MORE TWISTS THAN U CAN SHAK A STIK AT. **(I'll do more than shake a stick, i'll beat you to death with it.) **

THE MARRISSA GAMES

Pro-log: **(That's not even close.) **Cariture Bios

Sinse this ibs a noo **(So called that...) **site Im podsting on, an my REEL FANS **(WHOM MUST BE HIGHLIGHTED WITH BLOCK CAPITALS.) **may not be all famliar with the HUNGAR GAMES, **(If they aren't, they can go do some research on it.) **Ill do sum cariture bios of all the caritures so eveyone in on teh same page. **(This actually isn't too bad an idea, but it has two major flaws. One, people who've searched this Fanfiction will most likely know of the Hunger Games as is, and two, she gets every single bio wrong. At least for the Hunger Games characters.)**

CARITURES BIOS:

MARRISSA ROBERTS - Im Chells sister but more hot an pretty. **(And so it begins, all bow to Marissa, our lord of thistle.) **I have spesal powers gived to me by the ingineer **(Sadly, the Inginiir is not given his own bio.) **lick space fly an brething! Aso I have detektive power an MAGA PAWNCH an electic stuff. **(Which basically all falls under the same catergory of "powers I need when the plot demands it." No worries folks, I get the feeling little miss perfect will yank a few new ones from her ass before this fic is done.) **Im merried to Wheatly an we have a dotter named Chell Junor in onor of my dead sister. **(By the last fics logic, she should be named Assiram, in honour of your dead clone.) **

WHEATLY THE ROBO BALL **(Personality core, is that so hard to type?)**- Wheetly is my **(Forced.) **hubby an we luve eachotter very much. **(Rather, she bonked him until he returned her affection.) **He gotted arms an legs now from that JERK BOBOT **(Even in death, all caps must be used to describe the two evil robots.) **Altass dead body copse. **(If its a dead body, you probably don't need to refer to it as a corpse too.) **Sum JERKS thank hes dum **(Yeah, he is. I say this not out of malice but pure fact, Wheatley is dumb.) **but Wheatlys not, hes relay brave an is POWERFUL BAD ARSE becos hes got the power of love! **(Sappiest shit ever...) **

CHELL JUNOR - Me an WHeatlys robot ball/human baby. **(We like to call her "Something out of System Shock" for short.) **She is veray yung **(We can kind of guess that, from the fact she's a BABY.) **an doesnt do much yet. **(No shit Sherlock.) **Mayeb she has my powors? Lol, I havent desided yet. **(*Facepalm* This is not going to end well.) **

GLaDOS - She is teh biggest mean dum goth emo **(If she'd kept that as a list of three, I might've respected her a bit.) **computer women ever!212 I killed her fourever **(Even though she was alive in space for a few seconds...) **an dhw was defeeted an killt by the zomboys from Dead Space. **(Then why'd you even write a bio for her?) **

RAT MAN - A guy hoo fites the bad robots **(Leave this tragic hero of mine alone you sadistic fuck! ;-; )**lick GLaDOS an ATLAS AN P-POTY! He replased his man thingys wif BALLS OF STEEL **(That Duke Nukem reference is about as funny as Duke Nukem Forever was.) **an was lost in spase an died or is he? Winkwhinkstoryplotdevelop **(Way to hamfist that one you fucking moron.) **

ATLAS AN P-POBDY - To JERK ROBOTS **(Who are always reffered to in block capitals.) **who aer always smokin drugs an beer an being JERKS. **(Are? That raises the possibility they're still alive, that's just confusing.) **I killed them fourever affer they shot me in the hed. **(...hah, out of context that sentence is hillariously stupid.) **

ATBOD AN P-LAS - Altas an P-Bobys good guy kids. **(...what? There are MORE human/robot abominations running around?!) **P-Body did a abortion becos she isnt pro-life the b***** **( YOU FUCKING... ok, i'm not going to retype a rant here, but go see Chapter 15 of "It's my life!" to see why this sentence infuriates me.) **I thot but gess not! **(How do you just misjudge whether someone's had an aboriton or not? Fuck me, I don't want to know...) **Tehy are good frends of Haymatch.

Now for da new chars! **(And so the butchering begins anew.) **

PRIMOSE EVERGREEN - **(EverDEEN you moron.) **A yung gilr hoo is been pikked for the Hunger Games. Seh has a petted gote an cat an has inner strenth that u dont wanna mess with! **(Well that wasn't too bad... mostly because she gave the shortest description ever, but so long as she leaves Prim alone, I don't mind. It is odd how she's given the most importance though...) **

PEETA PITA SANDWICH EATA - **(You would, you just would author...) **Hes a hot guy (but I dont lick him lick that **(Gotta confirm to everyone I love my robot ball over an actual human being.) **my hart **(Where IS Corporal Hart when you need her...) **only belongs to Wheatly) an the guy Hunger Game. Theres a spesal sumwon hes lookin out for! **(Again, fairly brief... that name really annoys me though.) **

KANTISS EVERGREEN - **(Kantiss... oh fuck you author.) **Primp's olderer sister. Shes a dumb an has feekal incontinence so nobody licks her. **(There goes the main character folks, degraded from strong and independent rebel to dumbass with some weird disease that sounds real but is so horribly mispelled I will never know what it really is.) **

GALE (I FORGOTE HIS LAST NAME SORRY =( -** (Then LOOK IT UP.) **Kanisss best frend. Hes hidin somethin an waht dose he want with Wheatly?! **(Probably to kill him. I'm liking Gale already.) **FIND OT INSYDE! 3

PIESENDENT SNOW - Teh baddest dude ever! **(Well at least THAT is accurate. Sort of.) **Hes the liter of Crits Unitary an the pres of the plase. **(You know, shortening the word "President" to "pres" really demeans the title.) **He hates Marrissa for some reson **(Probably the same reason the rest of us dislike her. For being a freaky, callous bitch.) **an he has a BIG seekrit!12 **(FOREBOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDE) **

CRITICS YOUNTIED -A groop of flmer trollz **(I figured this would be one of her little inventions.) **hoo did sterods an got superpowaed **(Steroids only increase your muscle mass, they don't give you super powers.) **up so now theys even wores than the reglar ones! Wif tehere Preisent Snow they taked over the hole plase **(You keep using "Place." Be specific damnit!) **an a reely meen. **(When you keep using words like "Mean" it just makes you look amazingly childish.) **

HAYMISH ABERNATY - **(One last bit of bastardization.) **Da mentor for me an Prime an Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eater in the GAMES. A reel JERK hoos always druggin an beerin wif hes noo **(Fuuuuck...) **frens ATBOD AN PLAS. **(Oh boy, more beer and drug talk... I can't WAIT to see where this goes.) **

OK SO THATS ALL THOSE, GET REDDY FOR CHAPTER 1 SOON OK GUYZ? **(No... I don't think i'll ever be truly ready.) **

**(Well, here we go folks. Next time we get stuck right into the meat of this beastie. Please stay tuned... I need support ;-; )**


	18. Marissa games: Everyone's an asshole

**(And here we go, into the very first chapter of this no doubt terrible fic... lets just take this like a bitter pill and swallow it fast.) **

Get reddy **(Nope, i'd still prefer to be yellow.) **guys becos heers chapter 1 of

THE MARRISSA GAMES

CHAPTERS **(Well we're off to a flying start, eh?) **ONE: THE BIG REEP (GEDDIT IT SONDS LICK 'THE BIG SLEEP' **(And we've already kicked off the shitty references. Oh boooooy...) **LOL)

If u dont no who I am, **(Then your life is no doubt much better for it.) **then u better reed ITS MY LIFE! first. **(I love how she adresses this shit to her "fans" yet feels the need to indoctrinate new readers too.) **Sum dum flamer trolls gotted it removed **(And drag your new viewers into your internet drama.) **but it kame bak an bit them on the buts **(Don't you mean "boms" ?) **becos its still on ther bad reivew sites! **(I have no idea what that means. I'm guessing she means you can still read it on their sites?) **So reed it there but dont listen to the HORRIBLE COMANTS. **(Reject the truth, accept the fog, live in ignorance.) **Affer the kill of Assirram all the plases in Portal Labs **(APERTURE. APERFREAKINGTURE.) **was good. **(Yeah, I guess it's fine without GLaDOS' systems keeping everything in check and all.) **Me an Wheatly an are dotter Chell Junor were livin in happy **(In the cold, desolate laboratory with no feed and very few creature comforts, perfect atmosphere for raising a child.) **a long with Atbod an P-Lass hoo were the good guy kids of the KERK ROBOTS **(*sigh* I really hope this is the last we hear of these two in BLOCK CAPITALS.) **ALTAS AN P-OBDY! **(Also, since you introduced this in character biographies, this makes all this stuff really unnecersary.) **

"Marrissa Chell bloody Junor is soddin Hungary **(Hah, their child turned into a country.) **an weer out of buggerin taters!" Wheatly britished **(Ah, my ancient adjective enemy... we meet again.) **into the room. Chell Junor was old enuff now to eat taters wich is good becos I didant lick beast feedin her **(Fulfilling the duties of a biological mother is haaaaaaard.) **becos my chests is already reel big an squishy **(Yeah, we know. Apparently big enough to hold a personality core in them... seriously, freakishly huge tits.) **so they was to much with milk. **(What a lovely image.) **Also sutimes wen Wheatlye wood hug me the milk wood come out an electroshok him! **(That means she must have her tits out all the time... lovely mothering figure there.) **

"We cant be owt of taters Wheatly **(I refuse this, therefore it is not true!) **thats are only foods." **(Makes you wonder why you even STAY in the labs.) **Portal labs had a ton of zombie taters **(For no raisin.) **(if u eat them an ded u will be zomboy spect for me **(Since i'm a super special Mary Sue.) **sins I have powers an one is if I eat them an dead I just go back to alive). "Cheek an see for urself, there all wankin goned!" **(Oh Wheatley... your misuse of British words is so... non endearing.) **

I wentd to cheek an wat I saw was Wheatly was rite! **(These plot twists are so shocking and dramatic!) **THE ATERS WAS GONE!12213/ "I bet those sods Atbode an P-las used um to make bloody grugs an beer!3 **(...they used potatoes to make drugs and beer... beer I could take, but how do you make drugs out of potatoes?) **I herd they got drugs an beer from Demoanman **(Ok, how? I can understand the Demoman having booze, but not drugs. Not to mention, since when did the Demoman live in Portal labs? Or does Marissa just time travel whenever she wants these days?) **an turned to bugger bloke jerks!555" **(If they're jerks, why even call them good in the first place? Was that supposed to be a trick?) **I o-mouthed **(And the resurgence of that wonderful phrase...) **at Wheatlys accuse, Atbod an P-las weer good guys I thot. Gess they hadant escaped the sins of the parants affer all. **(Still can't quite understand how robots concieved...) **

"We must go to surfase an live there form now on." **(Wow... is that some actual common sense in place in this fanfic? That's rare!) **I piked up Chell Junor who was cryin from hungry **(I can only imagine how much Chell Junor will contribute to this fanfic.) **an we wnet to the helevator. The vator started goin an I looked at Portal Labs for the lastest time an cried a littel but not to much sins Im not a goth emo! **(So, crying instantly makes you a goth emo? That's pretty damn cruel.)**

Outsyde was lots of wheet an the sun an bright noses. **(Wow, actually fairly canon...) **I walked round an used my super deteictve power to serch for clues on were we cold get food. **(Wait, really? You need your detective skill to tell you where to go?) **Jus tthen sum uguly guys **(Marissa's so damn judgemental...) **in wite colthes an guns runned up at us.

"WHAT ARE U DOIN HEER B***** YUR OPPOSED TO BE AT TOWN SQWARE FOR TEH REEPIN !" **(Oh no, more guys who speak in block capitals.) **An he punched me in the face! **(Bam! I like these guys.) **Wheatly got alls angary an I got soooooo mad I was gonna kill him good. **(Wow, someone commits an act of violence toward you, and you decide to kill them. Marissa's a fucked up girl.) **

"FLAMER RAGE!E" I said I didant no why **(I imagine that's how she reacted to anyone who dared complain.) **but then I got a new power **(And we're off and running with pulling powers out of her ass, even quicker than the first fanfic did.) **that mad the guy on fire. **(So instant combustion via words. Pretty standard.) **Me an Wheatly an Chell Junor all lolled as the dum jerk b***** bruned to death **(Marrisa: Raising a family of sadists who find death funny. This is starting to sound like a bully's fantasy.) **then he died. Onse we were done lolling at the him I inspeted the copse for why he was here. **(Good luck with that, any details probably burned up when you combusted him.) **Thre was a note **(That somehow survived being set on fire.) **that said "I am Piece Keeper for Critaks United **(I really don't like these implications...) **if fownd pleese retarn to the justace bildin in Distract 12". It was a strange. **(Personally, i'd call it fucking stupid.) **

"Wot the bloody wank is Distact 12 an the Reepin?" I nodded hed with a "I dunno" look on my fase **(I really hope the "I dunno" look doesn't become standard... also, why not just use your detective vision to find out?) **at Wheatlys q.

"Maybee we shuld go there an fin out, there cold be food an stuff!" So we goed up to a flyin bike car **(Last I checked, Peacekeepers travel in hovercraft, not flying bike cars... which makes no sense.) **that was there, it musta belonged to the piesekeeper. I got in an buckled op (AN: ALWAYS DO OR YULL END UP LIEK KATTY SMITHEREENS!342!) **(Uh... is that a joke? I genuinely can't tell...) **

The hoovercraft **(Oh, so then she uses the term anyway. So why even bother using that description?) **was flewing sooooooo fast that we was goin like turbo speed. **(In no particular direction whatsoever...) **

'OMG THS IS 2 FAST!" **(2fast4u) **an Wheatly got skick an barfed robot stuff. **(Robots don't have stomachs to be sick from...) **Chelll Junor lolled at her funny dad an I thot bout how luckey I was to hab such a grate family. **(I'm so lucky to have a narcissitic family who laugh at other people's pain and find illness hillarious.) **A lowdown ton came up in the sites, it had bilidins an a mewdaoo an a biggly fense round it that went alls the way to Portal Labs an at the city center **(District 12 is much more like a slum village, not nearly a city.) **was a huge big screen plasma sayin "The Huger Games" ont it.

I grabed Wheatly an Chell Junor an jumped of the hovvercrapt **(Marissa's a good mom, endangering her family in needless stunts.) **an did a doble summer-salt **(Summer Salt: When regular salt just doesn't feel appropriate.) **an landed in a crowded. **(...what? In a crowded what? Come on, fill us in!) **The hoover crashed inot a girls hose **(Why did a girl have a hose?) **an made it on fire.

"OMG MY HOSUE!" **(Oh... of course.) **The girl dum-faced. **(Dum faced? Is the author calling her stupiid because she lost her house?) **Sum guys lolled at her **(Nice to see this world is full of assholes) **an one that was a hot guy (but I dont lick him that way my hart is for WHALETY!3321~!) **(We GET IT. You don't need to tell us every ten seconds!) **said "Dont wurry Katnise yull proally get reeped any way." **(Oh... so that's Katniss. And the author is treating her with no respect at all... *sigh* This is gonna be a loooong fic.) **

Reeped, Knatniss, Critiks Uni? **(Oh my.) **I needed the down lo fast. **(You're not black, stop using that term.) **This was too confussin. **(Tell that to your readers.) **Befour I cold ask sombody a big wite guy gotted on the stage eh had a meen fase **(Wow, the author didn't mispel face as "feces" for once... maybe theres hope?) **and blood was comin ot of his. **(...his what? Author, stop trailing off! Do you just fall asleep in the middle of sentences?!) **

"Hey everyboddy! Yur liter Piesedent SNow!" **(...yeah, no. I don't think President Snow would actively leave the Capitol to visit the districts, that's far too risky.) **Sum cheered bu other boooooooooooooo at him so armore guys killed them with guns an noone cared becos they was temptin fate. **(Well that was completely pointless.) **

"As u no, today we gonna Reep a gurl an guy to be in are Hunger Games! **(Well at least she got THAT detail right... where's Effie Trinket?) **For the girl…" It pot out a peace of name paper an said "ITS PRIMOSE EVERGREEN!" **(Zomg.) **

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO SHES ONLY 120 YEERS OLD **(No, Prim is about 100 years younger than that. Get your facts straight.) **I GO INSTED!" Sumon yelled **(Well who's this Sumon? He was never introduced yet...) **an ran to Peisent Snow it was…. THE DUM GIRL! **(She has a NAME.)**

"No Katiss Evergreen u cant becos yur fecal inconinentense is bad." **(I still have no idea what that is.) **Present Snow said with loud.

"No I can do!" Katniss operated to him **(Operated? Terrible word to use here.) **but then…. her pants gotted all full of poop an it was spillin owt an it was soooooooooo gross. **(...ugh. Fucking great, author. You're going to treat us to this a lot more over the next few chapters, aren't you? You disgusting sack of shit.) **Sum big guys threw Katiss in a garbag can **(Oh well that's just great.) **so all the yucky poo woodant get on them any more.

"U cant taked Pim!" She sayd from the can but it was fulla direrhea now so she locked like Oksar the Gruch but with poo instod of garbag. **(Please... just move on. You've confirmed you have a scat fetish to the world now, so stop sharing it with us.) **We all lolled **(You're disgusting people.) **an funny Catnise Evergreen. A littel girl that was very coot (but not as coot as Chell Junor or me wen I wass her aged) **(Oh good, Marissa feels the need to upstage a 12 year old, too.) **went to stage.

"I now the guy dude. Step on up… PEETA PEETA SANDWICH EATA! ! !" **(Ok, the ket is on the other side of the keyboard as the ! key, you have no excuse for that one.) **The hot guy from erlair wents up an got a lovey look on his feces **(...I was wrong, there's no hope.) **at sumone but I wasant sure who. **(Probably at you because you're soooooo beautiful, but you love Wheatley so it don't matter.) **

The reepin was overed so everyun was bout to leeve when Piesedent Snow yelled like a dinosore. "WATE! This yeer there ill be 3 tributtes." **(Honestly, this isn't too realistic. The Capitol wouldn't be above changing the rules for an arbitrary reason, but they'd make it LOOK more official.) **Everone o-mouthed **(EFF.) **who wud be the next one. Then snow ponted at me.

"MARRISSA ROBERTS U MUST GAME!" **(Well, that just shocks me.) **

TO BE CONTINUED!

OH NO MARRISSA IS A HUNGAR GAMER (LOL BECOS SHES HUNGARY FROM NO TATERS). **(HAHAHAHAHAHAHA NOT FUNNY.) **WHAT ILL HAPPENED TO WHEATLY AN CHELL JUNOR? **(Hopefully they will make no further appearences in this fic.) **AN WHO IS PIESENT SNOW AN CRITIKS UNTIED? **(You TOLD US WHO THEY WERE IN THE CHARACTER BIOS.) **FIND OT N EXT TIME! **(Or more like, a few chapters from now.)**

**(Boy oh boy... even the first chapter of the last one didn't make me feel THIS uncomfortable. I get the feeling our author's shit fetish is going to crop up more often in this fic... keep barf bags handy, folks.) **


	19. Marissa games: Narcissisim

**(This chapter's surprisingly short compared to the last one. I'm not dissapointed, personally.) **

I noiced that on THE TOMBLER I didant gotten any reivews, **(Because no-one wants to read your shit.) **bu I ALSO didant get any FLAMERZZ so it a win-win! **(And then I came along. Whoops.) **

THE MARRISSA CAMES **(Eww...)**

CHAPTRE TOO: DRUGS ON A TRAIN (LOL THATS MY BEST ON YET) **(Is that supposed to be a parody of "Snakes on a plane?" Because that's pathetic.) **

"BLOODY NOOOOOOO!12 !31211!54 **(Geezus, why not have ALL the numbers in your shouting?! e.e) **U CANT TAKE MARRISSAR **(Hah, i'm getting a flashback of someone using the mispelling "Starlin.")**SODDIN TAKE ME INSTOD U GIT!" Wheatly screemed with loud an shok. **(Oh get over it, she'll be back before you know it.) **Pesent Snow got madangry **(Combining two words is not clever.) **at him for the cryout and sade.

"No Wheatly robo balls cant Hunger Games!" He louded. **(How did he know Wheatley's name?) **I patted Wheats on the ball back an smiled.

"Its kay Wheatly I haf to do it **(Actually, no you don't. You could kill everyone there, or just go back home. Seriously, this fic could be over in a few seconds.) **becos u need to keep Chell Junor safe an be a good father." Wheatly cried little more, **(You WILL believe a robot can cry.) **then he snifed an nodded with head "OK Marrissa. Jus be wankin carfull out there!" **(I genuinely hope this is the last we see of Wheatley, but I don't hold out much hope.) **I huged him an we started kissin **(Charming.) **an gettin hot an heavy right there **(Right in front of a crowd too. Disgusting.) **an all the pepole in the crowed was bushin an o-mouthin **(To be fair, i'd O-mouth too if I saw a freakish woman making out with a robotic ball.) **but we didant care **(You don't care about much, do you?) **becos this cold be are last time to see eachotter.

"OMG U GUYS GET A ROOM!1" Say Peeta Peeta Sandwish Eata. **(Peeta's talking sense. We need more of that in this fic.) **Those big wite armor gusy **(They have names, they're Peacekeepers.) **from befour came an pulled me way from Wheatly who started cryin **(Wuss.) **gain an Chell Junor started cryin but I said "BE BRAVE ILL BE BACK SOOON!11!" **(You don't even HAVE to go!) **Then I want on a train.

The guys throo me on a magic siense train **(Magic science train? You're not in Aperture anymore, that shit doesn't fly in the Hunger Games world.) **that cold fly in the rales an was relay big. "Go an get an me ur booty salonist!' **(I don't think Marissa's ass needs more attention.) **Onna the armor dudes said than went SLAM! said the door an I was loked in. **(The door spoke? Weird...) **What did he meen bout a byouty salomist anyway? **(Well do the bloody math, Marissa.) **I was alreddy more hot an pretty than the hole Distract 12 plase, **(Self centered, egotistical bitch.) **specially that dum an ugly Katnise girl. **(Offensive, self centered egotistical bitch!) **

Befour I cold think more on it sum randum guys covered in naked showed up. **(Covered in naked? The hell does that mean?) **"Hi weer yur prep teem. Its are job to make u look sooper FABULOSSS!4444" Gayed one. **(Gayed? Are you bloody serious? That's just offensive.) **I was upulled into a wierd room with spas an baths an hair jel an a saloon an a rotisarry **(A rotissary? In a spa? You do know that's for COOKING right?) **an there was a guy standin there with sum tats an die hair. It was….. BISINESS MAN! 23 **(Bisness man? Thankfully, some lovely FF goer informed me he was the Principal of Portal High. Why he's here? I don't know.) **

"GRATE SCOOT!1 Bissis Man thot u betraitored me for the falmer trolls?" **(More context sensetive information, oh good.) **I 0-mouthed **(Must be more serious than O-mouthing...) **at the shock from this. I thot he had turned the flames for good! **(Yeah, you just said that. We kinda get it.) **

"No Marrissa me an Skep **(For you readers, Skep was a "falmer troll" from the Teen Fortress 2 fic.) **had a divortion becos I coldant stand her flamin an trollin any more." **(I also suspect she was based on someone who didn't like Marissa's fics much.) **He pot his hands round me sholders an taked me to the spa chare. "Now Im gonna make u even more hot an pretty, **(Don't feed her ego, you moron.) **I dont no if I can but ill trie!" So they gotted to work.

Few ours later I wakked out evven more hot an pretty. **(You'll always look like a hag to me.) **I saw Prim an Peeta Peeta Sandiwch Eata was also made more good luckin by there prep teems **(You forgot to mention how they're still not as good looking as you, you narcissist.) **Seena an Porshe. "Hey Marrissa wanna com with us to meet are mentor Haymatch? Hes gonna train us for the Huguer Gamess." Worded Prim. **(Worded, is not a real word. Also, why does Marissa NEED training? She has Pullmagicpowersoutofmyass abilities, she doesn't exactly need training for something like that.) **

We goed to the trainur room but it was a big spurise. **(Except to the readers, who had been informed about this beforehand.) **The room was all smoky with drugs an the floor stakay with BEER. A striper was stripin on the tablet gettin her thangs on all teh food! **(...is she implying a stripper is rubbing her breasts on food? That... is... weird...) **Then I saw sum robot peaces that was one a orange ball an the other a blue line thing lyin all broken on da floor lick they was only costooms or sumthin.

"Hey b***** long tim no see!~!# " It was….

TO BE CONTINUED! **(Why're you even trying to keep us in suspense with this one? You've already TOLD us about them. Not to mention, few other characters use b****** than Tweedlearse and Tweedlehole.) **

OMG WHY ARE ATBOD AN PLAS LICK COSTOOMS? **(And you even REVEAL it in yoour dumb author's note!) **OR IS IT A TRICK!? FIND OUT NEX TIMEEE!

**(This one was painful. Marissa's narcissism is nauseating, and I just want to punch her in the nose. I can only imagine this will get worse over the course of this shitfest... stay tuned.) **


	20. Marissa games: Nothing happens

**(This is a seriously pointless chapter. Except for maybe one revelation at the end, nothing happens.) **

NHOBODY GOTTED THE SUPISE TWIST **(What twist? You mean Atlas and P-body being back? We all saw it coming... we might've HOPED it wouldn't happen, but it was bound to. This writer simply can't leave something to rest. Not to mention, this makes a part of that character sheet pointless, as it sets up a fake out. Rubbish.) **SO ILL MAKE IT MORE CLEER NOW.

ALSO IS STILL DANT NO GAYLES NAME **(Then RESEACH it.) **BUT SINS ITS AU **(...you know, those two little words give me SO much respite. That means we can happily confim none of these things happen in the Hunger Games universe... that provides me with so much comfort.) **BECOS PRIM WAS PIKKED **(Uh, Prim was picked in the actual HG universe?) **AN MARRISSA ILL JUST MAKE UP ONE **(NO. Go and LOOK IT UP! Even I know it! It's fucking Gale Hawthorne!)**ITS A REEL GOOD ONE REED TO FIND OUT **(Thanks for giving us the "down lo" author...)**

THE MARRISSA GAMES

CHAPTAR 2: DRUNGS ONNA TRAIN **(...uh ...Drugs on a train was the last chapter name too ...is she doing this in sagas or something?) **

"Hey b**** long tim no see!1" It was… ATLAS AN P-BODY!1212211`12!1! **(Shock horror, Tweedlearse and Tweedlehole are back and we neeeever saw it coming.) ** I o-mouthed **(UGHAK) **at this unpossible relvatwist. **(Relevatwist? Seriously? That's not clever at all. Nor is this "twist") **"We preneted to be are kids **(Because large robots can pretend to be smaller childish robots... and didn't Atlas lose his suit to Wheatley? So how does that work?) **so u woodant kill us u dum b****." **(And now we've revealed ourselves so... you could just kill us now... whoops!) **P-Body beerd **(Beered? Good god these verbs are horrible.) **wile druggin some beer.

"Ya but we cool now becos we got drugs an beer from are noo **(I knew it... I fucking knew this would happen. Using noo... just, no.) **frend as long as u stay of are turf!" **(We're fine with you, so long as you leave us alone. I'd think Marissa'd have more problems with YOU two, you idiots!) **ATYLAS goated an point at a guy foolin up the striper. **(You know, Haymitch might've been surly and unsavoury, but he wasn't an outright pervert or absoloute scum...) **

"OMG Marrissa! THATS HAYMATH!2233" Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eata yelled with loudly. **(Why does everyone in this fic have to shout?) **This was soooo bad **(No, it isn't really.) **how ud we trane if are metor was a DRUGGY JERK!? **(You have the powers of plot convienience Marissa, you don't NEED training.) **I was fed up with drugs an beer roonin my thangs **(I'm fed up with people like you messing up fanfiction. So GO AWAY.) **so I goed up to the striper whos name was Looise Boombooms **(Louise BoomBooms... this author just proves her maturity more and more every sentence.) **the 2 an drop kikked her boombooms **(Marissa Roberts: Hero of Aperture, Lover of robots, Killer of tits.) **of so they epxloded gettin gross all over Haymish an teh JERKS. **(That was just completley unnecersary. Way to cause physical scarring to a person just to get some petty revenge. Marissa is a disgusting human being.) **

Altas an P-Body did sum growls noises atme **(We all know growl isn't very effective.) **but Peeta Peeta Sandich Eata showed his strenth mussels **(Showing off his redundant redundants.) **by pikin up a table an trhowin it at them so the got scarred an rannd way **(No! Not a table! Leg it lads!) **with there drugs to other trane plase. **(There aren't that many places, it IS a train after all. And why not just kill them now and save us the trouble?) **Eh smiled with all the lovely lick he was showin of for suone but I didant no hoo. **(Oh take a guess Marissa.) **

"Listan druggy we need to be trane or well di $!" **(Ok, i'm now convinced the author is just hitting random punctuation keys whenever she feels like it.) **Cuted **(More stupid verbs.) **Prim lick a reel bad a**. **(Begging someone to train you in a cute way is NOT bad ass.) **Bebore Haymatc cold answer a Paris Hilton or Jersay Shore gurl came. **(*snrk* I think Effie is a bit more eccentric than Paris Hilton.) **"Hi im Effee its time for dinnar." She saped. **(Also, why wasn't SHE at the reaping if she is now confirmed to exist?) **

Ats dinner I was sit next to Prim an Peeta Peeta Sandich Eata. Also sittin was Effer, Bisiness Man, ATALS an P=Body, **(You know, why are the two Tweedles even allowed on board the train?)** Portal, **(Gonna assume that's Portia.) **Seena an Haymash. He taked ot a nettle that was fill with beer an injetted it inot his arm **(Uhhh no. You can't inject beer into your veins. That just doesn't happen.) **lick heron so he got super hi. **(I don't think you'd get that high from a small needle of beer. You need a LOT of alcohol to get drunk.) **I eated sum duck an joose an soop an a bread love an sum mashed taters an Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eata reeched offer to grab a salt peace bu his han toched Prims an the bloodshed all on the face. **(*facepalm*)**

If I didant doo sumthin soon, we wood die in there fo shore! **(You're not gonna die at dinner. Unless someone poisoned it.)**

MEANWILE IN WHEATLYS POV **(I knew it...) **

Lick 2 bloody **(You ever notice that in the game's, Wheatley doesn't use ANY British specific lexis?) **weeks affer Marrissa was reeped I had soddin felled to a depreshun. **(Oh are you kidding me? If you're a "powerful bad arse with the power of love" then keep strong for her!) **Chell Junor mised her mum (AN THATS ANO BRIT WORD FOR MOM. **(Well good for you, you got one piece of British terminology right. I think most people are intelligent enough to figure it out.) **NOT LICK THE DEAD ZOMBOYS WIF STUFF ON THEM) **(Did she just compare a mother to a group of zombies?) **an I soo dib I. "OH DEAR GOD SAVE THE QUEEN MARRISSA I WANKIN MISS U SO BUGGERIN MUCH ! #!" **(Wimp.) **I britished to the moon lick a wulf. **(*facepalm* Well that's not stereotypical at all.) **

Sum guy herd me it wass that sod Gale bloke. **(Oh, he finally makes an appearence eh?) **He was o-mouthin **(HGHK.) **at me an Chell Junor so he musta been sum sort of bloody petofile1 !3 **(Yes, someone is staring at the robot and the human and robot abomination. It must be because he's attracted to the human and robot abomination, not because, oh I dunno, there's a bloody robot and human and robot abomination walking around, in a district that's not exactly big in terms of technology?!) **

"STAY AWAY FORM MY DOTTER U GIT WANKER!2! " **(Geezus Wheatley's overprotective...) **I yoused my new legs (wich are bloody awsum) **(He felt the need to just make that mental note in his head for no reason.) **to kick hims man balls **(Ttly appropriate reaction.) **but… he made a sheeld lick Marrissa! "OMG Howd u do that are u related to Marrisser?" **(I certainly hope not, we don't need any more hellspawn than we already have.) **

"No Wheatly you bugger I am Gale Thunderpants **(*hefty sigh*) **(lol see I tol u this was good 1) **(No, that's an absoloutley moronic name, it's the name of an author who can't be bothered to RESEARCH THE SOURCE MATERIAL.) **we most soddin talk." He britished. **(Gale's not British...) **This guy was wankin famliar lick I nown him a lung time ago. "Dont you rember me?" **(Nope, not at all.) **

"Id bloody well rember sum1 tryin a molestrape **(Two offensive words, now moulded into one for your convienience.) **my baaby dotter u creap!" **(Seriously, calm the hell DOWN Wheatley.) **Gale lolled at me akuse an I gotted mad.

"I yoused to be sum1 else an so did u Wheatly. My reel name is…. RON WEEESLEY!323131" **(*sigh* Once again, i'm sorry I have to do this to you guys, but this is another context sensetive point. As it turns out, Wheatley is actually the brain of Harry Potter... doesn't that make a whole lot of sense? Not satisfied with destroying the Hunger Games characters, she has to infect the Harry Potter ones too. I get a horrible feeling this'll play more as this fic goes on... not to mention, the idea of Gale and Ron being the same person is so amazingly stupid.) **

TO BE CONTINUED!

WOAH SUM SHOKIN PLOTS GOIN DOWN! **(The only thing SHOCKING in your works is the physical pain I experience from reading this, which is like being hit with a lightning bolt over a long period of time.) **WHAT ILL HAPPEN NEXT? CAN MARRISSA STOP HAYMATCH FORM DRUGBEERIN **(Well, she COULD, if she just killed the Tweedles.) **OR WILL WHEATLY DISVOCER HIS TROO PAST AN POWAS? **(Oh good, Wheatley gets new powers as the plot demands it too. What funnnn.) **FIND OUT NEXT TIME!

**(Seriously, nothing happened in this chapter. Marissa scarred a fellow human being for life, they ate dinner and Wheatley met Gale... join me next time for something possibly more interesting.) **


	21. Marissa games: Sick

**(So, I thought this author was pretty disgusting before this chapter. But, as of this chapter, I find out she is not only disgusting, she is downright... well, the title. You'll see why...) **

I JUS SAW MEN IN BACK 3 LAST DAY **(Thanks for sharing.) **AN IT WASS SOOOOO GOD. **(I actually agree with her on this bit.) **I THINK ILL MAYB E PUTS THEM IN TEH STORY **(NO. JUST, NO.) **2 BUT IM NOT SHORE YET. **(I have a bad feeling about this...) **ANYAY, HEERS

THE MARRISSA GAMES

CHAPTRE 3: **(The chapter system in this fic sucks. It should be chapter 5.) **OLD FRENDS AN NEW ENEMYS **(AKA Old cliche's and the same cliches.)**

I was a small town gurl (if Portal Labs cold evn be call a town lol) **(I wouldn't. That joke makes no sense.) **wit a huge town problem. **(I feel that's a reference... if so, I don't get it.) **Hamtash was druggin an beerin **(More stupid verbs, yaaaaay.) **stead of tranin me an Prem an Peeta Peeta Sandvich Eata. **(Why don't YOU train them? Sprinkle them with your convienience powers or something!) **iF we didant get tran soon then we wold die for shore **(Well, YOU won't. You're pretty much God right now, Marissa.) **in teh gameses. Ther had to sum way to stop the drug raje. **(Get rid of the drugs?) **

Befour I cold think the trane stoped. "Sorry guys we musta runned over a aminal or sumthin its all good." **(Uh, this might be going by the film, but last I checked, the train rails are elevated above the ground, so its unlikely an animal would make it onto the tracks.) **Effy said from bein the drain triver. **(Drain triver... unacceptable.) **Prim is not so beleef tho she say "Marrissa sumthin fishys goin down here **(When did Prim turn into a sassy black woman?) **I dont lick the look of this…" I powered up my powers **(Ok, since when did she have to 'power up' her powers?) **just incays she was rite an there was maybe danger.

Peeta Peeta Sandich Eata happied **(STOP MAKING UP VERBS.) **an go "Wow Prim yur ver good at situashun solvins." **(Is she? She just said something weird is going on, she didn't exactly DO anything.) **She bushed at nise compilament an I smied at the happy. Then the trane blow up. **(...well that was sudden.)**

"OOOOOOODFFFFRRRRGGGOFFF!1 !211" **(There is no excuse for having the symbol in a sentance.) **I sad as the grownd went fast down to me. I crushed inot a hooge crater but I made sheeld an was ok. **(You didn't really need to tell us that.) **The trayne was all rooned **(No kidding.)** an broken an sum bandids were there. **(Bandits? Really? Would've thought the Capitol would have higher security on their own train...) **

"We are robers weer here to kill u an take yur stuff an things! !" **(Then shut up and actually do it!) **The liter said. ATLAS an B-Body gotted to them an anger faced "Nu uh b*****s we gon kill you!" But the was 2 drunk an hi so they felled over asleep. **(Really? They seemed fine standing up and swearing, you don't just fall asleep like that unless you're narcoleptic.) **The bandids all lolled at the dum jerk robots **(Hahahahah we could be robbing you right now, so we're leaving ourselves open for you, hahah...) **an I lolled to becos it was prettay funny. **(Get your fucking priorities straight!) **But then I rembered they was gonin kill us so I had to fite. **(Finally!) **

Haymatch o-mouthed **(GLUHK!) **then he came. **(Ew.) **"OMG wats goin on?" He dumed **(These verbs are pissing me off more than "O-mouthed" is!) **but we didant have tim to talk theese bandids had to go 1st. **(Oh yeah, you've got no time. These bandits are so evil, they have time to shout like they're from Cobra and laugh at random shit going on.) **"Yuo cannot defeet us, I AM FRANK FIVETEEN !" It was…. FRANK FIFETEEN!33 **(Wow, you tried to make something he just shouted a plot twist. You idiot.) **(AN: Hes a reel jerk who draws all the most hot an pretty gurls, **(Is this a real guy? Or some reviewer? I have no idea...) **but not Marrissa becos hes a prejewdise gainst me for bein more cooler than him **(Yes, of course, anyone who's against Marissa is just jealous of how awesome she is. More narcissism anyone?) **so he wants to kill me)**(And the author refers to herself as Marissa, of course. Double narcissism ftw.) **

I did a doble jump into the sky an yelled "POWER OF!" **(...of what? Power of what? Clue us in author!) **an it made theyre guns refracted an no use. **(Aaaand here come the new powers pulled out of her ass.) **But they still fists for punch **(Oh no, not fiiiiists...) **but Peeta Peeta Snadwich Eatar armlocked them! **(What, all of them at once?) **

"Lol u think that we didant bring a bakup plan?" Frank lolled pornograffically. **(...pornographically...no. Just... no.) **His shirt untied an I saw his bellbotten was a canon wif guns!33 **(That makes a whole load of sense...) **BOOM WAM BAM JAMBOBOOOMBOOOM BAM!~`1`~~~~~!1! **(The squiggly is also not acceptable in a sentance.) **The canon **(A canon cannon? There's a lot about this story that doesn't make sense in canon.) **said loud an made bullets in all my plases. **(All your places? How very vague.) **"Wat how I not kill you?/

"I just lolled becos he didant no bout my spesal power. I immune to bullets after ATLAS N PBODY shooted me in the hed I became immune. **(...ok, bullshit. Even with your bullshit powers pulled out of your ass, being ressurected from being shot does not make you immune to it. Marissa may as well be immortal by this point.)**

Hamish was watchin the hole fite **(Isn't it funny how the train exploded, yet everyone survived despite not having Marissa's shield?) **an gettin reel impressed. Woah they relay do got the chops! He head thot with hed. **(Good god this mangled English is hard to read sometimes.) **Bu the biggest show was Priim. **(Prim? Seriously?) **She climed up a tall metal from the broketrain an striped her clothes **(...I don't like where this is going...)**of till she was in underiewear **(No...no, please...)**then swanged from it hittin bad guys with feet.

"MY MILKSHAK BRINGS ALL THE BOYZ TO TEH YARD AN THERE LICK ITS BETTAR THEN YURS D***** RITE ITS BETTAR THAN YURS I COLD TEECH U BUT I HAF TO CHARJE!1" Pimp sunged. **(...what...WHAT...WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?! HOW COULD YOU TAKE THIS CHARACTER AND DO...THIS TO HER?! WHY?! WHHHHHYYYYYYYYY?!) **(AN: I DONNT OWN TEH SONG ITS FROM SUM GUYS OR GURLS I DONT NO BUT I DIDANT MAKE IT.) **(Then RESEARCH IT!) **Peepta Peeta Sandich Eata stared at her with all the lovey an gotted bushed. **(That's disgusting! Prim is 12! 12! You're so quick to call GALE a pedophile, yet you're trying to change Peeta into one?! AND TRYING TO SEXUALISE PRIM WHEN SHE'S ONLY 12?! YOU ARE SICK, AUTHOR! YOU ARE SICK, SICK, SICK, SICK, SICK!) **

"UNF!" **(And the disgustingness of this fic continues!) **He runned off to do his man tenshun releef bisiness **(...did she just imply he's ...SICK! YOU ARE FUCKING SICK!)** (not wif bisness man becos that wold be grosse!) **(OH YEAH, HOMOSEXUALITY IS GROSS, BUT A MAN MASTURBATING OVER A 12 YEAR OLD GIRL?! YEAH, THAT'S FUCKING FINE. PLEASE, CONTINUE!) **I ifinished off Frunk Fivetons by garrotin his lower puncreas **(Garotting implies you wrapped a massive piece of rope around his midsection and twisted a stick in it to make it tighter.) **to make the blood an branes an guts go to the other plase so he got a rectal prolaps an died. **(Ok, brains are not found in the torso, and garotting someone would not have that effect, if it was as strong as that, it'd just leave some bad rope burns.) **

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Died Frak13. **(No... I won't accept "died".) **Haymin an sum reds **(Some reds? What the hell does that mean?) **oned up. I goat reddy to chew Haymich out for thinkin we was week **(Just happily swear at someone after showing the fuck off and slaughtering another human being.) **bu then he started shakin my hand an the red kised my feets lick I wasa queen or sumthin. **(Ugh... Marissa's narcissism is nauseating...) **

"So much powerful form u three. **(Three? Peeta didn't do anything... aside from that which is disgustingly sick.) **Ok, no more druggin an beerin **(At the very least you could use the G key for your stupid verbs.) **I will trane you to be the Hunger Games EVAR!121" **(Be the Hunger Games? Marissa can't be a whole event, even SHE isn't that god modded yet.) **Haymatich yelled wile yellin becos it was THAT LOWD. **(Everyone shouts in this bloody fic.) **I huged him an Prim did affer she got clothes on becos Haymithc is a old dude an she shudant be pedofilin with him **(She shouldn't have taken them off in the first place... ugh, I still feel ill from reading that... where's that medicine?) **or any thins like that. Peeta Peeata Sandwich Eata came bathroom out an hug too. **(...gonna need the whole bottle for this.) **

Mayeb now we wud win with Maymitch tranin us… **(Unless Haymitch is bloody Superman in this fic, which wouldn't surprise me anymore, he's not gonna be much use.)**

MEANWILE IN THE PAST **(That makes no sense. The past can't be happening at the same time as the future.) **

Teh reds fromb efour came onto the rownd room. **(We still have no idea who these people are... unless they're in another of this author's fics. And the "Its my life" series is all i'm willing to subject myself to.) **"Ah Ajunts K an J I see yur back frum yur misshun?" **(...oh fuck me, she added the Men in Black...) **J an L **(So, even though K and J were asked, Agent L felt the need to nod in reply too.) **nooded with heads an taked off there reds **(Their reds? What is that, clothing?) **becos it was only diguise.

"Yes Mr. Prisedent Lincan **(Oh fuck me, you're bringing Abraham Lincoln into this too?! Why do the Men in Black work for Abe Lincoln, they weren't even alive when he was!) **we haf disvocered that Marrissa Robers is in Hunger Games troble!" Deadpanned **(Another stupid verb...) **K wile J did a funny joke. **(What joke? He didn't say anything!) **

"Oh wems this is badder than thot. We most help Marrissa but how." Abraman Liknan (AN ITS THE PAST REMBER SO HE CAN PRESDENT) **(Yet he is fully aware of a person in the future and feels the need to help them... that makes no sense.) **scrutched beerd an thot. "Thers only one people who can help Marrisser. J an K I need u to get me… TEEN FORTRESS 2! 2~~~!" **(Ok, you just referred to a whole group of people as one person, that makes no sense. Additionally, why get their teen selves? Why not get their grown up forms with experience and greater intelligence?) **

TO BE CONTINUED!

GESS THATS NOT TEH LAST WE SEED OF TEEN FORTRESS 2 **(Oh goodie...) **AN HWS IS J AN K GONNA AFFLECT THE STORY PLOTS? **(Not a whole lot, i'm betting...) **WATS GOIN DOWN WIT WHEETLY? **(You didn't adress him at all in this chapter, what does it matter?) **FIND OUT SOOOONS IN THE NEXT 1!

**(Fuck this chapter. Seriously... this author is now advertising some truly disgusting themes. Prim, Gale, Peeta, they're all getting fucking over sideways... and it'll probably only get worse, won't it?)**


	22. Marissa games: Filling up on filler

**(So, in this chapter, essentially nothing gets done. This is officially a filler chapter while we wait for some "old friends" to show up.)**

Sorret guys mah kebaord broke **(I'm not surprised considering how much you must roll your head back and forth on it.) **but I gotted a new 1. It's got a kinda diffrant layowt so I might have sum troble spellin. **(Not an excuse. You can go back and reread, not to mentiont he spelling in this chapter is actually somewhat BETTER than the other ones.) **bUT now onto the next akshun packed advenshure of

THE MARRISSA GAMES

CHAPTER FORE: GETTIN DOWN TO BISINESS (LOL LICK BISINESS MAN) **(Oh author, your comedic moments will never cease... to be as unfunny as possible.) **

Wifout the train for goin on we didant havbe a way to reech the Capital and Hunger Games so I was happy. **(Aww you mean Marissa won't die this time around? Boo hoo :C )**"Gess we dogged a bullet there guys!~" I lolled to Prim an Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eater. **(On a side note, we're in the middle of nowhere with no food, how do we get out of this?_ **Effer was cryin lick a dum baby **(*facepalm*) **becos she wasa huge Hnger Games fan an was sad that seh wood miss the games this yeer. **(And that's not Effie's character at all. Why am I surprised?) **

"Enuff of yur lollin an gaggin we have to trane!1" Haymatch coached, **(Coached is an actual verb... shame it's used the wrong context.) **we was confused at this becos the trane was ded. **(Are you all thick?) **"Effi is already call the trane pepole to give us a new one u guys relay think this isbs the first time sumthin lick this happoned?" **(I don't know, maybe? I don't think anyone expected these opressed nations to suddenly attack a random train, and expect the passengers to survive. People don't tend to survive train crashes... in fact, where' Bissness Man and the other stylists? If the main characters survived, why didn't they? Also, since the train is down, why not just run for it? You don't HAVE to compete if you can escape!) **He was bissiness now, kind like Bisness Man, an no more drugs. **(Cue another pointless Tweedle tangent.) **

ATlas an P-Body **(Called it.) **was all angary at this new Hamatich. **(Its amazing, we keep discovering survivors whenever the plot, or lack thereof, demands their presence.) **"I cant beleeve that dum b**** Marrissa broked are new frend **(Grow up, isn't the real thrill from the drugs and beer?) **an we got no none to drug an beer with!" P-Body compained. Then a hooge asterood came from the sky an hit the grownd **(Wait, what?) **a far place a way an made a explosion an brite lites so we cudant see but then we got okay. **(Well... that was pointless.) **Onse the crash was done happenin an we cold see gain Maymitch got owt weapins for us. **(Ok, how does Haymitch have weapons on him?) **

"Prim u are fleksible wif curves in alll the rite places **(NO! AUTHOR, STOP WRITING PRIM THIS WAY!) **so u will use marshal's arts." He made a kung foo posse **(Uh, Haymitch can't exactly teach them moves, he teaches them how to survive the games and what they should specialise in, not fighting styles or weapon use. That's for when the get to the capitol.) **to show Prim the way. "Marrissa yur powers are veray strong so u shudant need a weapons but incase heers a portal gun. **(I was storing it in my hammerspace.) **I one it from ATLAS an P-body wen we was playin strip poker." **(...how? Atlas and P-body don't have clothes. Or anything embarrasing to be seen.) **I was soooo grossed out thinkin a tyhose JERK ROBOTS stripin with cards. **(Oh god, the very thought that they'd look exactly like they always do is soooo gross.) **I taked the portal gun an thot that this wold be a good key for viktory. **(You're not allowed to take weapons into the arena with you Marissa. And I doubt they'll provide you with one. Most people get is melee weapons, bows if you're very lucky.) **

"Now Peeta Peeta Sandiwch Eata I haf a spesal weapon for u." Haymish pulled ot a relay huge chanesaw sord. **(Ok, WHERE IS HAYMITCH GETTING THIS STUFF?! Oh, and good luck finding one of those in the cornucopia.) **"Ony the most stronger can use it becos its sooooo hevy." **(I'm so glad Haymitch is here to teach them how to use weapons they can't get in the arena. At least he's teaching Prim something more practical...) **Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eata piked up the sowrd an praktised it with a tree.

We spent lick 3 ours prakisticin are attacks **(Ok, using a chainsaw sword is pretty self explanatory, as is using a portal gun. You don't really need to train in that. Also, considering Marissa was also a test subject in Aperture, she should KNOW how to use one already.) **an fite moves wile we waited for the new trane to get heer. I was the best fiter **(MARISSA IS SUPERIOR. ALL WILL BOW BEFORE HER.) **but Prim an Peeta Peeta Peeta Eata were alls workin hard to an showin there stuff. Haymich was very impress **(Man Peeta, you can really swing that sword! Impressive!) **but ATLAS an P-Bodody were not happy. **(Oh goodie.) **

"I got un plan to kill Marrissa **(Because that's worked so well in the past.) **so we can make Hayman do drugs an beer wit us again!" ATALS agitated **(Wow, another legit word used in the wrong context.) **to P-Body. "But how shes too powearful?"** (The first intelligent thing i've heard from the Tweedles.) **P-Bodied **(...P-bodied...P-BODIED?!) **back. "Wen teh trane comes we will get it to run over her!" **(...that's it? I'm sure Marissa is immune to trains.) **It was a relay cunnin plan **(No it wasn't.) **this was bad! I shuda nown those JERKS cudant be trusted **(...wait is Marissa thinking that in hindsight? When did we switch from first person to third?) **but I was prakistin an didant here them say this. **(Which makes you wonder how Marissa even KNEW.) **

The trane got heer a about a ours later so I wabed an yelled loud so the trane wood stop **(If the train had been called specifically to pick you up, I think it'd KNOW to look out for people.) **an let us on. "CHEW CHEW!1!~1" The trane said **(What? Is the train alive?) **it was…. TOMAS THE TUNK ENJINE **(...Tho...Mas...the tank engine... in a Portal/Hunger games fic... I... I don't think I can go on much longer... I... help... someone please help me...) **(IN THE FUTUR OF HUNGER GAMES THE TRANES IS ALIVE ROBOTS LIKE GLaDOS AN WHEATLY) **(...WHY?! What is the point behind this?! Giving trains artificial intelligence, what is the reasoning?! Is Aperture just ruling the world now?!) **Bot ATLAS an P-Body did a robot hak into him **(And no-one noticed? No-one tried to stop them?) **to make Toams EVIL AN MEEN he was gonna run me over!

"GET REDDY TO DYE B*****!1!" Tomas yelled lowder than a trex or the moon. **(...T-Rex I can understand being loud, but the moon? That tends to be a rather quiet thing...) **ATLAS an P-Body were rollin a round an lollin **(Do they just have nothing better to do?) **there robot thins off. **(Vagueness is not your friend.) **The trane was goin 10000000000000050 millon miles per our **(That's not physically possible.) **so I cudant move in time an was gonna die! **(Um, put up a shield?) **

"Goodbye Wheatly an Chell Junor, rember I always love u." **(Also, if the train is going faster than any speed known to man, how does she have time to say all this?) **I cried limp teers down my fase an wated for the Tomas to kill **(And if she decides to WAIT for him to kill her, she clearly has enough time to leap out of the way!) **me but…

"OH NO YOU DONT!" Russianed **(More bloody stupid verbs. And "Oh gee, I wonder who this could be.) **big fat kid who grab the train. **(...ok, the Heavy is now strong enough to grab a moving train and hold it still.) **"DIE B********!" Australaned **(Enough terrible verbs...) **a other guy shottin guns an arrows into Thamass eyes. **(So he's just lobbing guns at Thomas' eyes?) **"Yur not gonna go nowehere ladykiller!" Texased **(ENOUGH, PLEASE.) **a sort man hoo made a turrent (but not a Portal Labs turrent) **(Because we all needed THAT little note, just so none of us forgot.) **to shoot of Tomas weels. **(Shooting off a train's wheels would take a while... also, how does his turret shoot both sides at once?) **I was asaved an Tomas crashed then the crash died. **(Oh, so Thomas survived then? Just this random crash died?) **Ho cuda saved me?

The doost cleered an Effey was sayin "ots ok ever one, we can still use manual drive." **(Um Effie? Your train just derailed and crashed, I don't think you'll ever get it working again.) **I looked at the pepole ho had saved me an they looked at me an we looked at eachotter. **(Lots of lovely redundancy.) **

It was….

TEEN FORTRESS 2! **(Oh. What a twist. Also, if they were teens in the past, how are they STILL teens?) **

TO BE CONTINUED!

NEXT CHAPTAR ILL BE A FLASHBACK BOUT HOW JA N K GOT TEEN TORTES 2 BACK **(Oh good, I cared so much about that.) **SO GET REDDY!

**(See? Just filler. Delightfully dull filler... god this story drags.) **


	23. Marissa games: Help me

**(So, great, we get a whole chapter dedicated to bastardization of K and J. Aren't we lucky boys and girls? I swear this fic is going to actually drive me insane one of these days...) **

ITS **(Sadly.) **TYME FOR ANO ADDISHUN OF

THE MARRISSA GAMES

CHAPTER FIVE: J AN KS WUBULOS **(Wubulous? I'm not even gonna ask...) **ADVENTURE

J an K gotted in Presdant Licans spesal president time mashine **(President time machine... yeah, of course! Why not?!) **to go buck in time to TEEN FORTRESS 2. **(Is she implying her fanfic is a major point in time?) **"Im scare J, we never backed in past befour." K cried lick baby. **(And immediatly, K is wrong. K is the SENIOR AGENT, he's not scared of anything and keeps a straight face.) **"Dont worry I did in Men in Back 3 so Ill show u the ropes." They time mashined **(...Time Mashined ...I can feel my sanity slipping...) **into the tim streem were thins was all wavy an slow mo. **(You know, you could at least copy how they time jumped in the movie...) **"WATS GOIN OWN?!1/1" Scared K. **(NO! K is badass, not scared!) **

"W3e are in teh time streem, wach out theres are stop!" **(So, is the time stream like a train station or something?) **Both jomped out an landed at Portal High School. Next J an K put on sort shorts **(...why?) **that was sooo tiny they was almos like panteys **(No short shorts in the world are that small.) **an crop tops an thongs an flipe flops but kept tere glazes. Now they locked like reglar tennagers **(This author sounds like a marketing department trying to find a hip demographic.) **and cold be undercober loachasun Teen Fortress 2. **(Really, shouldn't they go in as teachers instead of students? They're way too old to appear as teenagers.) **K started to go into school but eh herd.

"SHAKE IT BAKE IT BOOTY QAKE IT ROLL IT A ROUND!" J sung an dance an shake butt all jiggly wiggly. **(...for fucks sake.)**"J stop foolin round we need to find Teen Fortress 3." K deadpanned **(Yeah, good luck trying to make us believe K is in character after that bullcrap at the start.) **so J stoped but frown. "U never let me haf any fun =(" **(...eheh...emoticon in sentence...eheheh...) **K taked a boom out of his thing an throo it at door to explode it up. **(A boom? You mean a grenade?) **"ZOOM ZAM BIM BAM BOOOOM!121" The door said **(...the door is talking... yes, of course...)**an exploted then J an K raned in. **(Yes, blowing up the door will most certainly allow you to sneak in undetected.) **

A mussely guy an a other guy walk upt at them. "OMG are u new studants?" **(So blowing up the door is normal to them... I'M GOING TO DIE.) **Cave Jonson (the GOOD ONE HO USED TO BE GABE) **(Oh boy, here I hoped we'd never see them again...) **said an wave. The other guy was Tatman. **(LEAVE RATTMANN ALONE ;-; ) **"Yah we are lookin for Teen Fortress 2 **(I guess they really do just go by one name...) **we want to be there new frends." J gangsta voiced **(*Facepalm* You're making a cool character look like an absoloute moron...) **tryin a be cool an hip to imprise Gave.

"LOL they are graduated an dont heer any more there in collage **(And yet you're still in high school... sense?) **lernin to be fiters **(Try mercenaries.) **for Redman an Bluman **(They didn't become mercenaries just to fight for Redman and Blutarch!) **now that there TEAM FORTRESS 2." **(And the team isn't reffered to as that either... uuurRrGGgHhhH...) **Ratman said to them. "We dont no were they went but a guy dose. Hes a new studan name Gale Thunderpants." **(You still could've looked up his last name you blithering idiot.) **J an K nodded, then take pens with glowies on them to FLASH so Gabe an Ratman didant rember what happened. **(Well at least that's sort of canon... )**

K roundhose kicked a door down so the went in there. **(K's pretty old, I don't see him doing roundhouse kicks...) **Mr. Pursell was teechin the class bout The Histiry **(The History? Which history?) **but stoped wen he saw J an K. "OMFG I tole Principal Bisness Man there cannot new studans!11!z" **(I wouldn't worry about them being new students, i'd worry about them KICKING YOUR BLOODY DOOR DOWN.) **He was relay mad an crazy like a tigar or wale. **(...crazy tiger or whale... well, I don'T sEe AnY proBLemS HeRE ehEheEHEehHEH.) **"Ots okay sir we just need to speek to Gale Thunderpunts." J put is the are for peece sine. **(He could've just knocked on the door and asked for him...) **"Im sorry but he bissy. Im trying to teech the histry **(The very unspecific History of King Whatshisface.) **so leeve now!" Mr. Purcell had jus been diagnosed with kancer an alheemzrs **(Just throw in those serious themes like they can be used as jokes... no ProBlEMs HeeeEEeRRe) **an lots of gall an kidney stallones so he was relay madangry **(MoRE reAL wOrDS eeEeHeeHeEhEE.) **at sosiety. K sat his head down lick sad then look up.

"Im sorry Mr. Pursell but I have no choose." K did a awsum pose lick an a amine or sumthin. **(K could just erase his memory... just throwing that out there...) **Cool musik started to play **(Where from? And why?!) **an….. HE MATRIXED MER. PURSELLL!~! "He wuill be ok in a few ares." K flashed the studans **(Ew.) **wile J serched them for Gale. **(Who may have also been Gale. Also none of the students try to run or do anything...that's FiNe.) **

"HE ISE IN THE BATH ROOM HES BEEN THERE A LONG TIME U THINK HES HAS A CONTSIPATE!1!~~!" **(Well that's normal. I'd do that all the time to get out of class.) **J nod an snaped the guys neck. **(YeeEEEssS he HaD tO dIE... I think there's something wrong with me.) **Onse K was done flashin they went to nathroom. "Get reddy this cold be a trap." **(That would imply Gale knew they were coming. And I don't think he does.) **K nocked on da door but nothin happened so openeded it.

"ARERRRRRGIGUGUGUGUGUGUGHHH!" It was…. a SOOPER MUTANT FROM FALLOWT!2 **(More crossover shit... eeEExXcELleeEEeNt!) **It wasall mussely with lots plimples that were skwirtin pos all over the plase **(I think i'm finally snapping...) **an makin it gross to be in there.

"OH HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL NO!" **(Not racist at all.) **J grumped he tire of fitin these. **(He's only fought one...) **The Sooper Mutant angered **(More made up verbs!) **at J an pickd up a toylet to throw at him. **(Just ripped the thing off of its pipes... yeSS oK.) **But K shot toylet out of his arms with a gun. **(Why? K wouldn't deliberately hinder his partner.) **Mumtant was soooo mad that he shot pos at Ks **(Ugh... god, the Supermutants did more than shoot fucking pus at people.) **an the puss got all in his is to blind him but glasses hit first so he ok. **(Well I guess that works out fine...) **

J jamped into the are an threw shorrikens **(No guns? Seriously, why would J not have a gun on him and have to use shurikens? They're not ninjas.) **inot the mutans face to rupture hes brane an guts. **(Face = Guts. YeP noTHiNg WroNG hERE!) **K got behind an reeched up the soopers spesal place **(...hand up the ass of a super mutant ...classy.) **an pulled its intetines out **(You'd have to reach in AWFUL FAR to pull of such a stupid move like that.) **then strungled him with them. Thems the monster died from no are breathin. "Good fitin K!" J hi fived to K. **(Good thinking to go and do that instead of just using a gun! GoOd fOR yOu!) **

Now tat the beest was died a guy came from the toylet. **(From the toilet? What was he hiding in the U-bend all this time?) **"Thanks for killin him Im Gale Thunderpants." **(I still hate that surname.) **He said wavin. He looked round to maek shore none was listenin. "Spect my reel name is Ron Weesley **(Because that still makes sense.) **Im from British **(BRITAIN. BRITAIN.) **serchin for my frend Harry. Hes got amneesha an got plastik surgery so he looks diffrant **(Plastic surgery? I think getting turned into a fucking robot ball and losing about 95% of your body is more than plastic surgery.) **an is named WHeatly haf u seen him?"

"No Sorray we are only lookin for Teanm Fortress 2 **(Yeah, guess it was kinda stupid to just ask someone I don't know.) **an a mussely guy sad u new were they was at collage." **(Let's talk about how YOU can help ME.) **K went. Gale thot for a min (he was gettin kinna un comfterable at there sexay bodis **(What? Why would you even ADD a note like?!) **becos he had to stay troo to his REEL LIFE LOVE Hermoany).

"They are at Half Life Collage (LOL GET IT BECOS ITS PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL SO COLLAGE IS HALF LILFE LOL)." **(HAHAHAHAH oh auThOr, yOUr HUmOUr kEePS tHIS fiC InTeREsTIiiiing... oh god, someone help me.) **Gale say at laste. "Thanks dood!" J. **(J what? At least your made up verbs ended a sentance, you can't just leave it hanging!) **So they leaved but had to stole a car sins the time mashine didant bring one with them. **(I don't think you really need to explain that.) **"HEY MY KAR!2" It was….. Ringmaister! **(Oh boy, now we get to troll bashing...) **He an the flamer trollz had gotted a ressurekshun **(Well there's been ressurections before, so I wouldn't put it past this crap.) **becos there kill had been for dark majik so wen Wulf defractled the boom happened to magic streems and they made the alive agane. **(I can't even begin to define that sentance so i'm just going to do a cat impression. Meow.) **"ILL GET U FOR THIS AGJUNTS J AN K!1 ! !33" But they was already drivin off. **(Makes it seem kinda pointless then, huh?) **

"K were is Halflife Collage School?" J aksed wile reedin a funny book. **(What even is this funny book? I imagine this author's sense of humour probably means its "Fifty shades of grey" ) **"I donut **(NO!) **no we will half (lol) **(EeEHeHeehEhHeee... MaRISsa iS fUNnyyYyYY.) **to drive fast to fin out." They flowed the street sines with care **(Street signs? Well, that's somewhat compotent.) **an smartly wile stoppin for school busses so they woodant crash or end up lick Katty Smithereens. **(I'm gonna guess that's someone we should know.) **

The Half Life came up fast an low with a hair girl **(A girl made of hair? How odd.) **wavin for help. Sheee was playin a game slav. **(Game slav?) **"Help my boifrend Demopan **(...ok, that CANNOT be a typo.) **is danger!" Demonan? He was a TREEN FORTRESS 2 this a big cloo **(No shit sherlock.) **so J an K pulled ovary. "A badman name Alexander **(What a ferocious name.) **taked offer the collage an is killin ebery 1. Teen Fortress 2 **(I thought they weren't called Teen Fortress 2 anymore...) **is fitin fast an hard but Alecander used a orbs to make monsters cume an help him." **(Orbs? Just orbs? Weird...) **J an K braved an ran into collage to kill Aleander.

Insid the collage the walls was all covered in meet **(Meat? Just... meat? Are we in the meat circus suddenly?) **an the way wass blocked. "NO! MEET IS OPPOSED TO BE INSIDE NOT WALLS!~! !2" **(Inside not walls... tHIs fIC mAKeS sO mUcH sENSe.) **K was RELAY MAD becos he was biolojy mager. **(...weLL oF cOUrSe hE iS...) **"Well haf to eet to get throo." J said as a smartly so they ated all the meet **(DeLIghTUL!) **but it wasant cooked so they got intetinal parasites like tapworms. **(MorE chARminG imAGerYyYYyY... o-oh god, this fic is doing something to my mind...) **

It good think they didant have amneesha becos on othar side it wass a dark desent (LOL I BEEN WAITIN THE HOLE STORYA TO USE THAT P1UN)! **(Was it worth it? Waiting an entire fanfic just to make one lame video game reference? Get some perspective author.) **K got owt flaslite to lite up the room an saw the bad. **(Just, the bad? Seriously?) **

A ton of grunts an broots an the water thing u cant see was there. **(Oh, so we're just literally adding in Amnesia characters... and how would you be able to see the water thing, when you can't even see it?!) **"I am gottin to old for this!" Joked K with funny. **(HAHAHAHA STOP BASTARDIZING K.) **J didant have time for silly becos he was itchin for a kill. **(J's not a murderer... seriously.) **"ITS AKSHUN TIME!1" He did doble summer salt **(This author's attempt to make this fic actiony are downright cartoonish and silly.) **front flip to land in teh monsters an started shottin there faces of with his magum pistols **(So he had those the whole time, but he didn't use them on the Super Mutant? BriLLiAnCE.) **(accept the broots, becos they didant haf faces). K taked out a cannon **(Right out of nowhere.) **an fired to kill lots at onse.

They had kill lots gbut more were comin from other places **(Other places i'm too lazy to specify.) **an the wall meet was gettin in there bisness but… a huge fat crushed throo the wall lick the Koolaid Man but wasnt Koolaid Man **(Shame, I was starting to expect him.) **it was…. HEABY! "OH YEAH!1" Heavy funnied an J an K lolled. **(Stop laughing when you've got work to do!) **Witth his gun Sasa they moed down all the grunts an broots an water thins **(You can't kill the water thing, come on!) **all qwick an done. "Weres the rest of Teen Fortress 2?" K deadpanned. **(Stop making up verbs!) **

"There are bein prisnor by Alezander we must safe them!" **(Ah yes, Alexander was killing everyone, but at the last second decided not to kill them, because... I dunno.) **Heavy russianed an ran to the final boss room. **(Final boss room... oh come on, this isn't Scott Pilgrim.) **A guy name Daniel was hidin in a shadow to kill Alexener 2 but he toooo scared so J shot him in hed. **(WhaT a DEliGHtfUL sIDe dETAil!1 it wAS jusT sO NecErsAryyAAAAGGGH! No, come on... you're stronger than this...) **

J K an Heavy fot losta bosses **(Even though it was the final boss room...) **an killed Grunts Broots an wter things **(None of those are bosses.) **an finlay got to Principal Gordon Freemans offace **(I thought he died... or rather, you killed him. Fucking Author.) **but he wasant there becos Alexender taked over and made him leeve. **(Wow. So Alexander is supposedly killing everyone, yet he just captures the Team, and just kicks Gordon Freeman out? Weaksauce.) **Heavy slummed the door down with Sasa an they ranned to see…. ANLEXANDER WAS BLU AN NAKED!1! **(...oh, this is the literal Alexander from Amnesia... completley misreading a villain here. When's Agrippa gonna show up too?) **

"HELPP!12!" Cry the otter Teen Fortress 2 all tyed up ready for a sakrifase an a Grunt was rapin Spy **(Uuurrrrggh... sickening imagery...) **as poetic justace for the time he tried to adultary wif Carolime. **(It's not really poetic justice... then again, Spy's no doubt been bastardized by this fic so lets just move on.) **"KILL MEEE! !" He frenched but noone cared. **(Spy's still a legit part of the team, and pretty good at his job.) **

Heavy ranned to untie tEEN Fortress 2 by shottin there ropes with Sasa **(I think he'd kill them too... then again, no friendly fire in TF2, so eh.) **wile J an K fited with Alexanderp. "ENUFF I WILL KILL U NOW!11~!" But J noiced Alexandas naked **(Even though the narration pointed it out first... maKEs SenSE.) **so he put the magum pistol in his man balls an pulled trigger…

"KAAAAABOOMBOBMO WAMAJAM JAM!" Screemed Alecksander **(YeS... pEOPle AlwAYS scREAM exPLosIonS wHEn tHEY dIE.) **as his balls was got shot but the bullet went up to keep goin an killed his heart. Then he died. **(HEhe...thAT waSN't OveRLy gORey or DiSGusTiIiiIiIno! I'm better than this! Must fight back!) **

"Thanks guys we cudant have one it without u." The Scot said to J an K. "DEMMY!" Gaz **(So, she's Gaz? Why not just tell us that earlier?) **screemed lower than even Alexander **(EVERYONE screams in this fic... uurrgh my head...) **an runned to Demoman an started makin out with him. **(No more... please...) **

K stood up to full mast an brave speeched them. **(No more made up verbs! Stop the torture!) **"Listans ever one. Marrissa Roberts is in dangerous from the most evel flamerzz ever. **(...Eragh! I give up! I can't take this anymore! I can't fight the madness... so I must let it rule me!)**We need sum strong dudes to safe her are you in?" An effery 1 said YAAAAAAY relay lowd. ** (...i'M hAPPy tOo... I fEel mUcH beTTeR nOW... I reALLy dO!) **"THEN LETS GO SAFE MARRISSA!1!" Scowt said an all Teen Fortress 2 got weapons an bonk kola an medikals **(WhICh oF cOURse wERe jUsT lYiNG aRoUNd!) **an went wif K an J ot the time mashine to the future. **(AT laST!11 I aM sO gLAd tHIs wAs FiLLed iN! IT maDE tHIS fiC So mUch BetteR!) **

TO BE CONTINUED!

I THINK THISS IS THE BEST CHAPTA I EFFER DID. **(I aGReEeeE!) **I HOPE YALL LICKED IT GOOD **(Oh I dIIiIiiiD!) **NEXT CHAP WE GO BACK TO MARRISSA AN THINS HEET UP! **(yaAAaAaY!) **

**(HeEeEHeEEHEeeEeeEE... I thINk I'm fInalLy iN tHE rIGhT MinDSeT FoR THis FaNFiCtIon!111 It'S BriLLiaNT!~~ A MaStERpIEce! 1 1ONE JoIN mE foR MoRE RapTURe FrIeNds! HEeHeehEEE!: 1[''1[1'[1[;1)**


	24. Marissa games: rApTUrE

**(EhEHeHehEHE! wELcOme BaCK fElLoW sEEKerS oF rApTuRE!111 : WE rEtURn tO tHe gRAnD ePIc oF MarRiSSa aND hEr AcTIoN laCed rOmpS oF enLIGhTeNmeNt! nO timE tO wASte! bACK To tHe amAzArIFic sTOrY!) **

This cahpt is gon be kinna sort, **(NOoOooOOo!?~##! i nEeD mORe oF MY fiX!:: ~#) **becos its just to moe the story forward to the REEL AKSHUN **(ooOOhHh! ExCelLenT!) **of

THE MARRISSA GAMES

CHAPTER SICKS: **(ThE chAPterING sYsteM iS rIghT oN schedULE.) **PUNCH DRUNK MILLONARE (This one dont make much sins, but I thot it sonded cool) **(EvEN whEn sHE dOesn'T tRy, tHis AuThOr iS a GENiuS.) **

Aftar the kill attempt Effy gagged Tomas **(i cAn onLY imAGiNE sHe gAGGed hIm wiTh thE corPSES.) **so he cudant make cusses at me any more becos thats just not rite **(sWEaRinG iS truLy siNful!) **to do to sum one spessaly a girl. **(giRLs cAn NevER hAve BAd thiNGS doNE tO thEM.) **Teen Fortress 2 bunked in a the backs rows wile me n Prim an Peeta Peeta Sandwich eata was sittin in my trane car **(I'M suRE ToMAs wAs mENtiONed tO hAVe cARRiaGes eARlIEr.) **tryin a think of how Tomas would go evil lick that. **(iTs a ReaL mYSTERy.) **

I used my super detetive power **(sUcH a BeliEVaBLE pOwER!) **an relized that it cud only be done by sience powers **(SciENCe poWERS! eVEn mOre beLiEVablE!) **hackin him! But hoo cud done that? **(WhO knOWs. SO susPEnSEfuL! :! ) **Wheatly was not heer an my hubby **(i foRgoT thAT. ThaNKs fOR thE rEminDeR!####) **an GLaDOS wsa dead fourever an reel now. Maybe it wass….. **(sO suspeNSEful.) **

"OMG WER HEER!1" Girlyed **(whO neEdS A reAL vERb wHeN thE AUThor maKES sO mAnY gOOD neW onES! ';'; ) **Prim an I lost mah trane of thot **(HahaHAahahHaha. BeCAUsE shE'S oN A TRaIN.) **but I didant care becos I looked ot the windo an saw we as at… **(eveRY ELIpseS Is NecerSARY.) **the Captial! It was soo cool owt there, with lots of flyin bildins **(fLyINg buILdingS! aMazINg iDEa!) **an peepel that were green an wearin no thing or funny cloths (sumtimes both) **(i WaS coNFUsEd fOR a MoMeNt.) **all the gurls had brest implants **(TrUly BelIEVabLE.) **an all the guys haded there balls replased with steel lick Rat Man becos hes a trend setter. **(i lOVe meNTIonS of RatTManN iN tHIS ContEXT.) **There was a big thing with lots off angry fases they must be Critaks United! **(tHOse sAtaNiC spAwNS.) **Also I saw tonnes of ffod lick baguls an bannas an bred an duck soop an soda an cokies an spaggety an drinks an biskuts an capn crusnsh (penut butter flaver) **(ThE auTHor knOwS hOw tO prEvENt coNfusION.) **an a river of chocklate like in Willy Wanker **(aHaHAHAhahAHA! #'#' AuTHoR yOU coMIC GenIus !:! #'#) **an the Cocolate Factry an sawsage an milk an goos an pigs an all the food. **(sO mUcH fOod, aLL sO fiTtiNg.) **

"Thees jerks keep alls the food wile we cant eat nothin but grabage **(sEE?1?1/! ThiS aUThoR cAN KeeP tO cANOn!) **but we cannt even do that now becos Katnise contantinated it with her DIARHEAPOO!.1.1!" **(sUCh dElighTFUl iMagERY oF An iN canoN cHArAcTER.) **Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eata sand with angry. The trane stoped so hard an fast that Peeta Peeto Sandwich Eatr felled an landed on Prim an they was all bushy **(tHeY'rE pErFecT fOR eacH oTHer.) ** an Haymath an Bissniss Man came lolling into the room. **(sO coMEdiCalLy pERfeCT.) **

"Enuff funny stuffs. Yur gonna meet the otter tributs soon so ull need to look yur best." **(maKEovER tiIIIiiImeE.) **Haymitch coached. **(AnD eVEn whEn shE uSeS reAl vERbs, thEY'RE sO pERfEct.) **"Bissness Man will haf to make u more hot an pretty than ever befour." **(iMpoSSIbLE! #~ ! MaRRiSSa iS tHe PinnAClE oF BeAuTY aNd SeXiNesS ! 11111) **He taked us to the salloon from befour an got workin wile Haymatch an Effie did stuff. **(UnImPoRtAnT sTuFF.) **

It wase tuff work makin us even MORE hot an pretty. **(TruLy ImPOSSibLe.) **Bissness Man put boob jobs an butt jobs in Prim **(tRuLy aPProPriATe fOr tHe 12 yeAR oLD.) **an gave Peeta Peeta Sadnwich Eata a plastik sergery to give them the strongful mussels an a chin **(PeEtA hAd NO CHiN oF CourSE.) **but. "Im sorry Marrissa but I cant do anythin more to u **(SeE?1/11! I toLD yOu!11/) **but heers sum cloths."

Looked ike I was to hot an pretty for a upgrad **(ExaCTlY.) **so I wood have to wow em with cloths an personality insted. **(NoNsENse!111ONEONEONE JuSt sHoW uP aND yOu'Ll hAVE thEM eaTInG ouT OF yoUR pALMs.) **We went side were Effey an a charot was waitin. "Prim an Peeta Peeta Sandiwch Eata u must hold hands to let the pepole no of yur tru fitin spirts." **(sEe?/!1ONE riGhT frOM thE pLOt.) **She capitaled. **(moRE eXceLleNt vErBS.) **Prim an Peeta PEETA Sandwich Eata got bloodshed **(AWwWWwWwwWwWW.) **but did anyay.

I got on the charot wearin a funny dress that was all blak **(GoTH lOok?/? MarISSa mAkeS anyTHinG lOOk gOOd.) **thinkin maybe Bissness Man had craked form the pressure becos this dress is soo stupid!2 **(PrObaBLy.) **But the charot started movin an…

"Hey evedbody!" A man of tall an thin with funny beerd and fancy yelled lowd. **(YeLLinG, sO uNusUal.) **"I am Sesenal Crane an Im the King of the HUNGERS GAMES!" **(ah YeS, HuNgEr gamES kiNg. I remEmBER tHAt.) **He said with a crown on his head. "Now lets meet are tributs! !" **(LikE mEeT tHe Tf2 tEam! GeNIUs!11ONE.) **The charots came into a big plase with lots of cheerin capitals. Most were flamzer trolls **(DaMN.) **workin fer Critacs Untied an wearin those creepy Guy masks. **(WaY cReEPy.) **I looked into of the otter charots an saw that the otter triboots was… THE RIGINAL FALMTER TROLLZ! !(*)!()*!)! **(SHocKInG!11!/1) **

TO BE CONTINUED

OH NO FLAMERS TROLLS ARE BAK AN TO FITE MARRISSER? **(oH No!1ONE~#) **AN WATS WITH THAT UGULY CLOTHS BISSNESS MAN MADE ME WERE? **(I wONdER.) **FIND OUT SOON! **(YeS 1 1! nOt sOOn eNourrraaaAAAGAGGHHHAAGAGGGHHHGHHH! MY HEAD! I'M... ReGaAINing... control... must fight back!) **


	25. Marissa games: Medication

**(Ladies and Gentleman. Allow me to apologize for the last chapter. This fic it... it just got to me. I went briefly insane... i've been on medication since that chapter was released. I still feel a little woozy... I apologise if I seem tired in this chapter.) **

GUT SOME IMPORT NOTES FOR ALLS OF U. **(Oh good...) **

1: I WAS RELAY BISSY SO I DIDANT HAVE LOTS OF UPDATTIME **(Time like that couldn't have gone on long enough.)** BUT ILL TRY SOME MORE WRITIN BECOS MY IDEES FOR THE NEXT CHAPPS ARE SOOOOOOOO COOL **(I'll bet... she'll probably pull in stuff from Counter Strike next...) **

2: I NOICED THAT MY SEPLIINGS WAS NOT AS GOOD **(No. Really?) **BECOS IW AS SO COT UP IN GETTIN THE COOL PLOT ON PAPPER **(Digital paper... which you could have gone back to spellcheck... fuck it, i'm beating a dead horse.) **SO ILL MAKE SOME BETTER SPELLINS THIS TIME **(Ahuh... I'll be quick to call you on that one...) **

ANYWAYS

THE MARRISSA GAMES

CHAPTER (SURRY **(And your first spelling mistake.) **I FORGOAT **(The O is on the other side of the keyboard, no excuses... damnit, forgot the dead horse thing.) **WHICH ONE): **(So, she forgot her own chapter numbering... astounding.) **CAPITOL PUNISEMENT (LOL ITS A DOBLE PUN!) **(Hahah... not funny.) **

That dum Bissness Man **(I was actually contacted by the person Bissniss man was based on. He didn't seem dumb to me.) **was gonna make me lose the GAMES an I didant even do anythin yet. **(You're practically God... I don't think a guy in a suit can stop you.) **All the Crits United flemar trollz was cheerin Prim an Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eata ft thenor thier sexay bodis **(Peeta, yes, Prim, no.) **an brave looks but nonone locked at me in my dumdress. **(Maybe they were freaked out by your unnaturally massive tits?) **But I felted kina funny lick I was bein on fire **(... *sigh* Please tell me you're not...) **an looked an….

I WAS A GIRL ON FIRE!11!1!^6 **(Yeah, just steal scenes from Katniss to put onto Marissa... I miss Katniss... not this fic's bastardized version.) **"Yo go girl!" Bisstness Man yelled lowd an all the crowd saw my kool flamerdress an cheered and hoohayed an did wulf wistles! **(That's more like it... intense narcissim is so nauseating...) **

"OK DOODS **(When did the Hunger Games turn into the teen choice awards?) **Thats this yeers tributts. They gonna to trane now so we can GET. SOME. HUNGER GAMES!" Senenca Crane **(...w-wow... she got the name right... must be a full moon...) **prided from his thrown **(He has a bloody throne too?) **he was on becos he was Hunger Gamzee King. I blowed lots a kisses to the peeps **(Shallow whore...) **an Prim an Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eata locked there Is an almost did a makout **(Ugh... i'm too tired to even be disgusted by the pedophilia on display here...) **but Haymash pulled ius of. "Theres not time for romanse yet, its tim for u guys to get ur ratins." **(I think they have a day of orientation first...) **

Heymitch taked us inot were all the others tributes was praktising. **(No, guess we're just ignoring canon, nothing new there...) **"Sins yur Distract 12 u go last so study theese guys for agood impression. **(Well that's canon.) **Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eata wented strate for the strongmans to show of his powa **(Nothing about clever use of camoflague... poor Peeta.) **an Prim jomped to the seeling **(...yeah ok... girl Prim's age just jumps right to the ceiling. Too tired to care...) **were there was ropes an a other tribute.

I desided to scope thins owt an size up the compys. **(Wow. An actual intelligent move on Marissa's part... such a rarity.) **The first tributt I met was Cato, a huge cat that cold walk on 2 legs **(...what. Why. Just, why.) **an ware cloths from Distract 1. "Be carefull Marrisser, hes dangerous." Wispered Haymitch. "Meow meow moew" Said Cato likin his. **(I... I just don't... I can't make this out clearly.) **I waked up to a arsery **(...fuck this fanfic.) **stashun with 2 of other gurls name Glimmer an Fuxfeces. **(Been a while since the author's shit fetish reared its ugly head... here I thought we were safe.) **

"Hi Im Marrissa Roberts u eksited for the game?" I happied **(Oh boy, fighting to the death will be so much fun. I know i'm going to win, so why bother worrying?) **tryin to get them on my good side an maybe do an allyinse. "Go way u b***** c*******f**** j*****!" **(You could at least get the number of stars right, author... also I have no idea what curseword begins with J.) **Prepped Gilmer an Fauxfeces lolled. **(Good to know she gets no character at all.) **"Weer career tributs we only ally wif Cato an Rigmaster an Skep an those." FF pontsed to a circul of familiar fases. **(That apparently had nothing to do but stand there and wait to be pointed out.) **IT WAS…. THE FALMER TROLZZZZ11 !

I rannded up to thems ready for a fite **(And of course there were no guards present to stop her.) **becos they ahd doned so much rong to all the people. **(By daring to mock the almighty Marissa.) **"Dont even try nothin yet weer all frends heer" Skep trolled wif sockasm. **(What a fiend, using socks...) **"Ya well get u good in da ringu dum m******** **(...can't you even get the number of stars right for your censored swear words?) **but not yetted." Ringmaestro went. "We gonna get ratied now." They leaved an I was fooming with angry. **(How dare they point out the obvious...) **They wast proally angry thats I was the flamer dress stead of them wen that was there theem. **(Yes, everyone only hates you because they're jealous of you... fucking narcissist.) **Bissness Man dided that on porpoise **(That poor porpoise... it did nothing wrong.) **to make them mad becos he was still hangry at Skep for divortioning him **(Hah... yeah i'll bet.) **an makin him pay child supple for the baby they had in foster's care "Skepness Man". **(Motivation plot point swept aside, good job...) **

Next up I went to Sweary Guy, **(I'm sure he'll be a well develped character indeed...) **a old guy (AN: Hes evan more olderer than Haymatch) **(You could've had Marissa describe that herself...) **with grey hare a bissness soot an tye an rinkles. "What the buggerin f**** p**** g******* b***** c*** are u bullockin done heer f****888?" Sweared him in British. **(Only buggering is really a british insult... no idea what those P and G swear words are.) **U dont call a lady that! **(You do is she's a narcissistic bitch like you.) **Spessaly not me, **(Fuck off.) **so I leaved.

Becos Im a spesla three tribute I wnted last for the intview. **(Out of place considering the upcoming paragraph.) **Pimp swungled down form the roaps to her turn an the gurl was takin wif goed to me. "Im Roo **(...no ...not Rue ...please author, have mercy... please...) **u most be Marrissa Roberts!" A girl bout Plims age worded. **(Used in the wrong context...) **

"OMG how did u no?" **(You're the protagonist, its imperative everyone knows you.) **Roo lollt "Yur famos lol!" **(Called it...) **I guess Bissness Mans flamersoot dress realay DID WORK. "So hoo are u?" of Roo.

"My dat as a humon an my mom was a kangaroo **(...nooo ...please no...) **so Im half so thats why Im Roo **(...uhuh...uhuhuhuhuhuhaaaawwww ;-; ) **an I can jump an clime an am good at all the things." **(Why would you do this... why... why would you turn sweet little Rue into a fucking joke character?! T-T ) **She was littel an never fited before but I thot Roo had good protential, **(For no reason at all.) **I wold need to keep my eye on here.

"MARRISSA ROVERTS YUR UP!" A gammaker noised **(No, those still aren't real verbs...) **from the doors so I came. Insid was a room with sum weapons an the gaymakers **(That can't be an accident.) **were eatin lots of food becos they was all at leest 300000000 pounds eech **(Not physically possible... ugh, why do I even care?) **an Scene Queen was on a thrown a gain. "So us yur stuff so we can eet." Boreded **(Stop it...) **one.

To impeis them I used my spesal powers to liftatate the table **(Oh, yeah, that'll work... no using your detective powers to learn all about their lives or using your electrical zapper powers or your green lantern powers, lifting a table should be fine...) **but one wasant impress. "Hey im eatin that!122" So I sayd "Ok Ill give u sekunds!" So I made a hole pig go into his moth an down this throte **(Marissa's violent nature is showing again...) ** buttit got logged there an he cudant breth so I had to use MEGA PAWNCH to gets it owt **(Yeah I can see this ending well...) **but I accidentally punshed ot all his orguns an internal guts so he died. **(...geezus...) **"GET OWT!#y!#u!*(*(!{87" Sentinel Crane screemed wit hatred. I messeded up reel bad this time (SEE MARRISAS NOT A MURY SUE !12). **(So, you've tried to use this situation to show us Marissa isn't perfect. Considering Marissa has caused death and injury before, such** **as ripping a hooker's tits off, all you've done is continue to show us what** **a violent misanthropic felon Marissa is.) **With hed lo I waked bak to Thomas the Tink Enjine were Peeta Peeta Snadwich Eata and Prim were tellin Haymish, Bissness Man an Effie the down lo. **(Weren't they given a room? Why are they still hanging about on the train?) **

"I showed tem my cunnin stunt!" Say Prim of her quizzed. **(The context is not strong with this one...) **"They was relay imprezzed." "Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eata sau that he use strength to pull it in half." **(Wow... physically impossible strength is always good.) **

"Ho did yurs go Marrissa?" Haymish saked. "Nut so god… **(Prepare the flood gates...) **I KILLED HIM NOW ILL LOSE THE GAMES AN NEVER SEE WHEETLY AN CHELL JUNOR EVAH AGANE!13" **(Good. You deserve to lose everything you murderous narcissist...) **I cryed sooo many teers I was almost a goth emo **(Please don't take us back into My Immortal...) **but it was ok this time sins this was serios bissness. Ten the door exploded **(Everything explodes in this fic...) **an I powered up for a fite but only Effie. She jump-kiked the dore down becos she was in a big hurray. **(Because Effie is known for jump kicking doors down...) **

"Hurry guys ther showin the scores!" She went turn on the tellyvishun **(Which just so happened to be on the train too...) **(it was a cool sooped up one that was a big screen plasma an had HF capasities an 3DD) **(No reason that couldn't be shown through description. **Sensual Crane was on an wave from his thrown. "Aight everbyboydy its that tim of yeer agane! **(He could say that about any part of this stupid thing...) **The scores for THE TRIBYOUTS!111" Senkena louded with a plause. The scores were

CATO: MEOW (LOL BECOS HES CAT) **(You're not funny.) **

GLUMMER: 15 **(Uh, no. The maximum score is 12.) **

SWEARY GUY: 7

SKEP: HALF (LOL BECOS OF HER HAF WERLDS BLOOG) **(You're still not funny.) **

RINGMATER: 0

PONY STRONGBAD: 0

ALBACOREMORTOS: -2 **(Just skip over two characters we never met... who cares. They bore the snot out of me.) **

ROO: 10

FRESH: 9 **(You mean Thresh?) **

FAWKESFACE: 11

PEETA PEETA SANDWICH EATA: 12

REMOTELY: 0 (MORE LIEK REMOLAME LOL) **(Hi, you're still not funny...) **

PIMPROSE EVERGREEN: 20 **(No...) **

An…

I o-mouthed **(Too tired to make a funny expression...) **in shock at wat teh last score was!

MARRISSA ROBERTS: 100 **(...I ...uh ...no. I'm all for Marissa becoming a target of every other tribute, but that was a given anyway... stop jerking off your own character...) **

TO BE CONTINUED!

IM BACK GUYZ! **(Great...) **NETS TIME THE GAME BEGIN SO HOLD ONTU YUR POPCORN! **(Or in my case the ibuprofen and painkillers...) **PS WHATS SWEARY GUYS REEL NAME I CANT REMBER **(When has getting your facts straight ever mattered to you?) **

**(Phew... note to self, don't review a chapter while recovering from insanity... i'll be much better next week folks, I promise...) **


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